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Stephanie Howell

reading, organizing, shopping, momming too close to the sun. Home is wherever the Army sends us.

Words.

About a month ago something happened to me that I will never forget. What happened hurt me but it also tilted my earth on its axis and made me reframe and rethink so many things.

Let me give you a little back story.

In May I attended a military ball with Jimmy. This was a community event…basically a military appreciation type thing. Couples from the community sponsored military folks. The event was in a convention center and the way that it was set up is that there were 8 people at each table. Two military couples and two civilian sponsors.

It was a black tie event. I haven’t had to dress up like that in a long time. Not since I had Cora. I went through five dresses that didn’t fit until I tried this one and I loved it. I felt a little self conscious but I felt pretty. And I was so proud to be on Jimmy’s arm. And I was OVERJOYED to get to put on pretty makeup and get out of the house and have a special night.

At the event we were seated next to a nice local couple. The woman was super friendly and we chatted off and on all night. I’ve never met a stranger, and we definitely hit it off. I spoke a bit about my five daughters and the challenges military families face.

All in all it was a beautiful evening. When I got home the woman I sat next to friended me on Facebook and started following me on IG.

Some time passed and I went about my life. During this time I decided that I wanted to start making better eating choices. I hadn’t stepped on a scale in years and this wasn’t tied to a number. I just wanted to FEEL better and be STRONGER.

Literally the night I started eating healthier and exercising again, I got two Facebook voice messages from my new friend from the ball.

This moment will be vividly ingrained in my mind for the rest of my life. I was sitting in the van waiting for Sadie to get out of soccer. I had a new lipstick and sunglasses on and I was feeling so proud of myself for exercising. I clicked on the speaker icon and began to listen to the messages. I heard “I’ve been thinking about you” and I got a big grin on my face…I’ve needed a new friend for a while and it made me feel so special.

But then the moment spiraled into a nightmare. I’m going to copy this part from a Facebook post I wrote because the post was written in the heat of the moment and can convey my emotions much better.

On my first night of healthy eating I got a message from a acquaintance who also happens to be a MLM supplement distributor.

It was the most crushing and mortifying thing that has ever happened to me and I will most likely remember it for the rest of my life.

She said that she noticed that when she was sitting next to me at the ball I recently went to that my dress was really tight and I looked uncomfortable. She also pointed out that I seemed to be covering my stomach with a napkin because I was self conscious. 

At this point she mentioned that she sold weight loss supplements and she would love to help me lose that weight.

You know what? I **was** covering my stomach. I’m terribly self conscious about it. And her saying those words to me was like a literal slap across the face. It was if she exposed my deepest secrets and attacked my worst insecurities.

At that point I closed out the message and did not listen to the rest of it. I don’t care to know what all she had to say. There was a second voice memo that I didn’t even open.

The worst part about all of this? I had it on speaker and my daughters heard. YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THEIR FACES. I have worked so hard to build a culture of body positivity in this family. And it all came crumbling down with that one message. 

She devastated me. A special night (one in which I felt quite beautiful) now feels tainted and ruined. 

Let me tell everyone something. Preying on vulnerabilities and shame doesn’t work. It’s repulsive and disgusting and predatory. Seeking out weakness and profiting off of it is GROSS. 

Two days later and I’m still so mad I could spit nails. I’m shaking as I type this. 

No one gets to comment on anyone else’s weight. What if I had a eating disorder and this triggered me? What if it triggered depression? I am strong and resilient and I have a good support system and I know better than to tie my self worth to this. But what if I didn’t?

If you are in direct sales and you’ve done something like this to someone you need to apologize NOW. No ifs, ands, or buts. 

If you’re thinking about sending a message like this, don’t do it. Don’t. It’s eviscerating. 

I’m BEYOND embarrassed to talk about this but I think it’s important to bring it into the light. Women should not be preying on other women’s insecurities in order to make a paycheck.

I have struggled with body image and self-confidence my entire life. I’d be lying if I said this didn’t take the wind out of me. But like I teach my girls… I’m using this to make me stronger. I deserve better than those ugly, damaging words.

So to recap. A woman I barely knew felt that it was appropriate to reach out via social media and tell me I needed to lose weight. And she wanted to sell me products to help me look better.

Oh, and three of these five beautiful faces heard every word.

Man. It’s now a month later and I am still teary just thinking about it.

Listen. I’m almost 42 years old. I know that her words don’t define my worth. But they effing HURT. Her words hurt and made me feel so much shame and embarrassment. I had a major setback on that night. I lost a piece of my happiness and my joy and became a little less me.

And the worst part? Friend after friend after friend has contacted me with their *own* stories of predatory sales tactics. From their FRIENDS. People using death, divorce, deployments, and post pregnancy bodies for financial gain. I’ve been HORRIFIED.

I have basically been turned off of direct sales for life. This isn’t an exaggeration. That’s how powerful her words were. I’ve also doubled down on loving and encouraging other women. Every day I speak loving and affirming words to as many humans as I can.

I don’t think my commitment to kind words can erase the memory of her message in my mind. I literally cringe every time I think about it. BUT. I do hope that my kindness can make others feel valued and loved.

That’s it for today. Sorry for the novel/brain dump…I guess I needed to type this all out, ha!

So what’s the point of all this? What’s my takeaway for you? Well, first of all, I want you to know that your words have power. Every single one of them. Your words have the power to brighten someone’s day or to take up residence in their tender heart and hurt them for the rest of their life. So choose wisely.

Oh, and if you’ve thought about trying to sell something to someone based on their insecurities and their pain..just don’t. Okay? And it’s never too late to apologize if you’ve intentionally or unintentionally done something like this.

Love to all of you- you are special and loved and important.

xoxo

S

Comments

  1. Sorry this had to spoil a special evening’s memory and that anyone felt it was okay to further their business interests by pointing out what they thought were your insecurities. We all need to build each other up to succeed. Not tear someone down. You are amazing and I have followed and been humbled by your grace and strength while living your life.

  2. That was such a sh*tty thing for her to do. Really, just how tacky and rude and unconscionable. I hope she reads this and recognizes herself. You certainly didn’t deserve that kind of message. No one does. I’m sorry!

  3. Hi Stephanie. Oh how I have missed your posts from scrapbooking blogging days I have followed you since your two oldest were probably two and three and I feel like you’re a friend even though I’ll probably never meet you I love the way you turn a phrase I love loved the way you’re real and open and honest I think you’re absolutely beautiful and you look looked stunning in that dress and I am so proud of you for having a fun night even though it was ruined later I am deeply grateful to you your family and to Jimmy for his sacrifice and service to our country I used to enjoy hearing more the day-to-day things and I know that you’re busy and probably just don’t post as much and I have become a realtor so I don’t scrapbook or craft as much either sadly and I wish you all the best and I am so proud of you you just do whatever you need to do and don’t worry about anybody at what anybody else thinks you are absolutely fabulous and beautiful and you are a fantastic mother and don’t let an unthoughtful person steal your joy best wishes to all of you love from Victoria in Ohio

  4. More power to you for being able to turn it around. Using this as an example of “that’s not what right looks like!” is exactly what you did and should have done! Miss you and your sweet family! Be well my friend and continue to be the amazing person you are!!

  5. I’m still shocked too. How dare someone do this? It is very appalling.

    Huge hugs for you and know that your soul, your smile, and you are so beautiful. Your family is too. Your body has carried and grown all those beautiful girls. It’s been through deployments, and separations for training. It is carrying you everyday in such an amazing way.

    You take care of you for strength and endurance for the upcoming challenges, not for impossible society standards.

  6. simply the GROSSEST thing I have ever heard.

    YOU, my dear, are beautiful. Period.

    GROSS, despicable, disgusting.
    I’m so sorry someone did this to you or has done it to others.
    I would have simply DIED.

    I struggle with self-image, probably as my no 1. issue. I’ve worked hard to overcome and believe, that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. My boys and husband are immune to this thing, as guys. And they constantly encourage me that I am perfectly perfect who I am and how I am. I work on eating well, exercising and living a healthy life. Gotta pray for people who are so insecure that they would do what some “script” would tell them to do. As if it was okay as long as it makes the sell. Barf. barf. barf.

    I love you guys and thank you for your service. BTW! That dress IS GORGEOUS on you!!! Don’t let someone’s assumptions and LIES dictate how you feel about it. Seriously. I cannot fathom the (there is no word to describe how terrible)…this whole situation. Love you and your girls. A fangirl from way back! <3 Tonya

    • thank you so much for this comment! and yes. beyond gross. vomit inducing. truly. sigh.

  7. Every time I read your Facebook post I am appalled that someone had the nerve to approach you like that. I cannot even imagine especially because that dress looks gorgeous and hi you have given birth to 5 beautiful daughters so what in the actual heckin’ heck? Hate it for you and it is such an important message to remember that your words do matter. So much more than most people realize. Love to you and yours.

  8. I got teary reading this. Sending you so much love and a hug the size of Texas. ❤❤❤

  9. Big hugs and you looked/ still look amazing to me. Sadly I have been there too and last year a woman offered me juice plus supplements to take to lose weight. I am 51 and on a health journey at my own pace. She felt it needed speeding up. I was operating a school crossing job as a lollipop lady at the time. I barely held it together in front of the children and came home and cried. As women it is important to lift each other up I believe. Oh and that lady sends me follow up messages through messenger every three months in case I change my mind. Hopefully yours does not do that too. Xx

  10. Oh my, some people have no heart. I am a PA and have worked at a GI/weight loss clinic and have seen first hand how words can trigger eating disorders and psychological trauma. I applaud the way you handled the situation!!! You looked stunning in that dress, and shame on her for preying on you!!!

  11. You are a beautiful young lady. That is a mean an evil lady. Don’t let her mean words get you down. You are blessed everyday with a wonderful caring family. That lady sounds jealous and happy. You are loved. ❤️‍♀️✌

  12. This just makes me so livid. I am so sorry you had to experience this. It sucks, especially because your girls heard it too. I know how this can hurt. For some reason…..it’s these negative comments that stick with us vs the compliments and positive ones….

    What tries to bring us down, can only make us stronger!!!

    You are beautiful!!! For so long now, you have been such a positive, inspiring and honest role model for me. Thank you for being you!

    Big hugs,
    clippergirl
    Aka: Elizabeth

  13. You rock it and I’m sorry someone took advantage of a wonderful evening and hurt you. That is low. In the words of Michelle Obama “when they go low, we go high!” I’ve followed you since before the twins were born. You are amazing and perfect in all the ways. And you make me laugh always. Those things are your superpower. None of my words make it feel better, though if her words change you. Don’t give her that power. She’s not work it. #directsalesatsomeoneelsesexpense #thatisgross

  14. I’m so sorry Stephanie that this person felt is was ok to over step boundaries But I will say this…. when you originally posted that photo of your night out with Jimmy my very first thought was that you looked so happy and STUNNING! And I thought how lucky your girls were to have such an amazing role model. Don’t let this woman take up space in your head! You truly are stunning inside and out!

  15. I’m so sorry that happened to you. It still brought tears to my eyes reading it this time. It amazes me people don’t think their words have such profound effects on people. I love that you are making a point of speaking life to as many people as you can. It’s is something I am working on in my every day life even with my kids.

    I have followed you for years and years. I admire you and think you are such an incredible person full of grace.

  16. I truly can’t believe people actually say half the things I hear people say. Smh. Your story reminds me of an experience I had, even though it wasn’t someone selling something…before & after I had my daughter I obviously had a lot of hormone issues because my chest, back, arms & face were covered in acne. I was not one of these beautifully pregnant women. A woman, who was more than an acquaintance but not really a friend, stopped by my house one night and held something out to me saying she had something for me. I thought how nice it was for her to come by and bring something for the baby or me. She then proceeded to tell me that she noticed how much trouble I was having with my skin and so she bought me the whole proactive skin care system! I could have died. I was so embarrassed but kind of covered over it and thanked her for her concern. Thankfully, I’m not a person too upset by what other people say but still, that happened 20 years ago & I still think of it and cringe.

  18. from the other side of the world I want to say this. We can not be responsible for the words of others, however dreadful they are. we can only take responsibility for how we deal with them and I see that you have done that. Five years ago we lost a grand daughter to anorexia at 17years of age, it was very hard to deal with. This past month her Step mum took their 4year old for a doctors check and was told that this child needed to watch her weight as she was on the 97% percentile and should not be eating sugar. fried food etc. They do not get much sugar, do sweet drinks etc just a little birthday treat of lemonade and maybe a sweet or two, but very rarely. This has had a devastating affect on our Daughter and her husband who have made sure that their other children have good food, lots of exercise, swimming, ballet and tree climbing. Like you infer some people need to keep their mouths closed!! take care of yourself and do what makes you happy with your beautiful family. Blessings Pauline

  19. I’m always so surprised, saddened, stunned when women are so catty and mean to other women!!! Why is that??? We ALL have lack of confidence in some area! I’m 70 years old and still remember cruel words that can’t be erased from my memory. I think sometimes people’s filters just turn off and things are said that are hurtful. Here is what I have to say about you: you are gorgeous, such an inspiration in so many areas, and such a fabulous example of a true lady!!! I love your dress BTW. Surround yourself with positive people and keep that beautiful smile shining!

  20. You rock and don’t you forget it! It has been said in the other comments as well: your body and mind have been a safe haven for those you love & those who love you unconditionally. You have made things possible for Jimmy & the girlz. Forget about this petty woman and others like her as soon as possible. They are not worth your time.

  21. This is exactly why I grew up with most of my friends being boys. It was easier and without drama or shaming.. The girlfriends I have now are amazing individuals and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. I have worked hard to cut out the toxic and keep the fulfilling.

    There are still too many stories like yours. Why is it that women tear each other down so much when they should be lifting each other up? Why do so many feel that personal gain needs to come from questionable actions? I read your original post and my heart ached for you then. Reading it again still makes my blood boil . It is bad enough that something like this happened, but it is even worse that it happened to someone who adds light and love to this world on a daily basis and leads by a strong example. I know it is easier said than done, but this woman is not worth your time. I am saddened by the fact that her heartless approach has taken up space in your memories. I hope you can focus on the big wave of positivity from others who would gladly stand up for you and remind you that you are an amazing individual who has a heart full of love to share. You are beautiful inside and out. None of us are perfect, but we can all try to be the best version of ourselves in this life we have been given!

    Much love to you from a longtime fan, followed and online friend. XOXO

  22. I’ve been following you since the twins were babies. We’ve never met, but I’ve always thought you are one of the most beautiful women I know. You are smart, witty, strong and courageous. I love your heart, your passion and your willingness to share your deepest feelings and your hearts deepest wishes. It takes a brave woman to be so open and vulnerable.

    So as weird as this is, I feel as though a close friend has been attacked and it makes me mad and furious. We have an obligation as women and fellow human beings to build each other up, it is NEVER okay to tear someone down and prey on them.

    I think you looked sexy as hell and that smile on your husband’s face says he did too.

    I’m sorry this happened to you. Hopefully this post helps mean girls understand the error of their ways and causes them to change.

    Sending a great big hug your way,
    Tina

  23. I am so sorry you had that shitty experience. Thank you for sharing as it is so important to remember our words and how they may come across- wheTher we intended it or not (i am not making an excuse for that womaNs behaviour)

  24. I’ve said it before and will say it again. People are so stupid and inconsiderate. It is truly shocking. I don’t know why I continue to be surprised because we see it again and again, but I am. I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m sorry this happens to anyone.

    I’m glad you shared your story. We all need to know that we’re not alone. These things don’t just happen to us. They even happen to the beautiful and kind Steph Howell.

    I’m sorry you didn’t gain a new friend out of that lovely evening. I so wish you would move to the Chicago area. I would love to have you, physically, in my life. We would have a blast!!!! Otherwise, I will continue to follow your blog and IG, ooh and aah at your family and adventures, and continue to add to my TBR list with all of your recommendations! XOXOX

  25. I was thinking just how radiant you look and how proud on your hubby’s arm.
    I applaud you for your stand on this and for the uplifting and encouragement to women that you do/are.
    Please know that there are more people on your side, that think you are awesome and a fantastic role model.
    You keep doing what you’re doing!
    You are amazing.

  26. Thank you for sharing your story. My heart hurts for you. I have been wallowing in self-pity for a month for some indescribable reason. But your story reminded me that I am happiest when I am a source of encouragement, positivity, and light to the young women who look up to me at work and at home. It’s time to get myself back together!

  27. I just wanted to say that I remember seeing those photos on Instagram and thinking how beautiful you looked and that I majorly coveted your dress (and an event to wear it to.

  28. I am so glad that you shared your story. It is so sickening to me that these companies actually encourage their sales people to approach people in this way. As in “Ask your friend who just had a baby if she wants to get rid of her baby weight.” It’s gross and horrifying.

    For what it is worth, the photo of you and Jimmy is straight up FIRE (hot couple alert!) and when I see that photo of you and your girls, I see fierceness, beauty, strength and heart.

  29. Ughhh I am so angry for you. How dare someone do that to you! First of all, the only thing I noticed about that picture of you is how gorgeous you looked, the giant smile on your face and your beautiful dress. Second of all I hate these predatory MLMs! You should share this story on the Facebook group, “Sounds like MLM, but ok” – https://www.facebook.com/groups/SoundslikeMLMbutok/ There are not only stories like yours, but also some ridiculously funny ones about “huns” being put in their place.

    Third, I also have a daughter named Sadie. Great name! And your family is beautiful. Just like you.

  30. You are beautiful, inside and out. I am seething that that happened to you. Direct sales should be outlawed. They are horrible…and the people that are in those businesses don’t seem to realize that they are, in essence, using their friends and families for their own gain and causing rifts in relationships. You’re right, they should be ashamed.

  31. I am so sorry that happened to you. Reading this, I had to go back and look at your photos because I was surprised you felt that way and that someone would prey on that. You are such a beautiful person inside and out. I also feel terrible that you were so excited for a new friendship that turned out to be a sham. Please know that you are valued and appreciated and loved by many.
    Please know I’m not defending her in anyway, but I feel I must share something that happened to me on the other end. My husband and I take vitamins from a company that honestly changed our lives. I won’t go into the details, but the health benefits, for us, were life-altering. We do not “sell” them–we do however, share (sometimes) if we think we have a friend that will benefit.
    I’ll never forget the time we gave a month’s supply to a good friend of ours because we thought it would benefit her. She was hurt and felt very used. Probably because of the same feelings you had. We were not trying to hook her or sell her anything, We honestly thought it would help her physically. I ended up feeling just as hurt as she did, I think.
    I am truly sorry that I hurt her.
    I am more sorry that you went through this.
    Don’t stop believing in yourself!

  32. I remember seeing this photo on your Instagram feed and my immediate reaction was “Wow, she looks fantastic!” You looked gorgeous…and are gorgeous.