6:30 am and I was half asleep in the kitchen. Holding my warm cup of coffee between my hands like a lifeline…gulping it down and thinking I really should wake the girls up.
Sadie skipped into the kitchen, blonde bob all mussed and the biggest crooked grin on her face. She yelled “I’M IN KINDERGARTEN!”, lunged at me, and clung to me for just a second.
And in that second I closed my eyes and prayed a brief prayer. Please God let me be here for every first.
I helped her get dressed in her new H&M dress she picked out weeks ago. She had painstakingly arranged her outfit on the floor last night, including some pink cowboy boots that Harper recently handed down to her.
She asked for a bowl of Cheerios for breakfast. But she didn’t eat very much because she said her tummy was nervous. She paused between bites and asked me questions.
Was she going to have fun? Would it be scary? What if she missed me?
What if she forgot to brush her teeth and had “stink breath” for the first day of school? Yes. These were her concerns.
So we talked.
She checked and double checked her lunch. She was very concerned that I would forget to put a special note in her lunch. As if.
She had me brush her hair twice and asked that I add a little detangling spray. She said she wanted to look “appropriate”.
She brushed her teeth, put on her backpack, and told me it was time for me to take her first day of school pictures.
I tell you, this child knows exactly what she wants.
Then we headed through the courtyard out onto the street to get in the van to head to school.
She hides it well, but she was a little nervous. I know her like the back of my hand. I know her like I know myself. But I don’t let on.
All the way onto post for school Harper, Cate and Lucy were chattering and singing.
Sadie? Not a word. I caught her eyes in the rearview mirror a couple of times and told her how much fun she was going to have and how much I love her. How proud of her I am. How proud her Daddy is.
But what if I miss you mommy? I like being with you all day. Thea babies are going to miss me. What are they going to do without me? What are you going to tell them?
Man, that kid slays me.
As we walked up she reached over and grabbed Harper’s hand.
They hugged goodbye, and just like that Harper was off playing with her friends waiting for the bell.
Sadie looked a little adrift and I felt her clammy little hand grab mine.
But that moment was gone in a heartbeat. She saw her teacher and her aide (she ADORES them both) and went right to them.
One look back at me:
“Mommy, why are you crying?”
“That’s what mommies do. Do you want me to stay or go?”
“You can leave.”
Two tiny hands in mine, two little topknots bouncing, back to the van. Buckling those tiny topknots in with tears in my eyes…wondering how that happened so quickly.
It stung a tiny bit to be dismissed so easily but just a TINY bit. More than anything I was proud that she was so strong and brave. And it was one of those we must be doing something right moments.
Atta girl, Sadie.
I’m that mom. The one who was ready for them to go to school. SO over the bickering and the tattling and the name calling. But what is it about seeing your children vulnerable? It’s heart breaking. It swoops in and takes your “I’m not going to cry” best intentions and tosses them right out the window.
You know what’s terrifying? The fact that parenting never stops being terrifying. The fact that it’s one big bundle of joy and fear and panic and frustration and beauty.
Love to you all.
xo
Oh you made me cry thinking about first days.
Beautiful! This is all perfect, as it should be. And they are so fortunate to have the parents they have. Most of all, I just love how close S & H are. . .THAT is what is the most beautiful.
So not fair making me cry like that and making me remember so many years ago…..lovely story and thanks for sharing!!
Steph, you are too cute. & those girls of yours have the best Mom! Back to school is SO fun, and yet so hard.
So precious! Both of you were so brave.
Okay I am crying the ugly tears now! LOL! Beautiful story and you have a wonderful way with words! I have followed your blog since Harper was a baby and their were no other little one’s. It has been wonderful watching your family grow up! I look forward to many more years! Thank you so much for sharing your life!
Oh Stephanie! What a precious precious story to share with Sadie for so many years to come. Thank you for sharing your heart with all of us. I can only hope that one day I will be an amazing Momma like you!
LOVE those photos!!! You are amazing at capturing the moment!
My youngest graduated from college this year. Talk about a moment in life! So many memories!
You have me crying!! Oh my word!!! She is such an amazing little lady!!! She will have the best time in school. You have done an outstanding job with your girls, Steph!!!!
Funny, how the tears just happen. You don’t plan to drip, but there they are, running down your face. And the back of your throat as if you could swallow every one. Yes, the Littles will miss the Bigs. But they will be off soon to their own school. Blessings to all of you with this milestone.
maggieb!
You are so right. Parenting never does stop being terrifying, even when they are grown. You still worry like crazy about them. I hope Sadie has an amazing first day.
Oh my, so incredibly perfect! I’m all weepy reading it. I miss these days so much.
The exact same feeling don’t stop when they are 24 and 27 either! Thanks for a good cry this morning!! 🙂
Love this post. And loving those photos of Sadie, especially that last one. She’s going to be an amazing kindergartner!
my oldest baby is a senior in college. he sent me a picture of his first day of classes…and reminded me “mommy…its my last first day of class picture…I took it for you.” Yes, it never ends…still hurts, still proud. thanks for sharing…
you’re pretty awesome 🙂 i can only hope to be as good of a mom as you are some day <3
You made me feel like I was there Steph!
Oh my! Totally crying my eyes out. What a beautiful job you are doing raising your girls. You are just lovely to share these moments with us. Hope her first day was fabulous!
Making me cry! I remember my boys going to kinder like it was yesterday!
Thanks for the glimpse into your life!
You are doing it right!
Shouldn’t have read this in the office. 😉 Just beautiful.
I haven’t cried on the first day of school for a long time(I think it was Amanda’s 1st day at college & I cried because I wasn’t there to give her a big hug) See, it never ends! I think Sadie is so tough on the outside but oh so vulnerable inside.You’re doing a wonderful job! I bet she has a wonderful day & makes oodles of new friends!
Oh this post is going to make me CRY! Beautiful pictures, love them. Beautiful daughters. Beautiful mommy. Beautiful Post.
Ditto on practically making me cry too…gosh these girls. Lorelei was the same way this morning, her first day of second grade at a new school. Beautiful beautiful, Steph. And seriously got a bit weepy when I saw the pic of J taking them into school on the last post. I mean really. 🙂 And Harper’s tan! I can’t get over that this summer! And the light in the last pic. Oh heck, digging the kleenexes out now. X0X0 sweet mama.
Beautifully said! And it is terrifying and wonderful and scary and rewarding. And even though I did a little dance as the kids left for school this morning (literally & figuratively :), I have spent the day wondering if everything is going ok for my 11th, 8th, and 3rd graders (did my son remember enough food for his away game? how is my daughter handling the friend fallout she had over the summer? is my youngest behaving & paying attention?). You never stop wondering or worrying or caring because that is what it is to be a Mom (or a parent, for that matter), and it’s beautiful.
Great post! I am always sad on the first day of school. I still can get tears thinking of my 11th grader’s first day. She is my oldest. I was never ready for my kids to go to school. I didn’t send them to preschool, or kindergarten (it’s optional in PA). So they just turned 6 the month before school (oldest 2 are July babies). It was so hard for me (and them too). But they loved their teachers and missed being home with my and their younger sister/s. Is it half day kindergarten? Enjoy your time with your two younger girls while your older girls are in school!
You said it perfectly (said with tears in my eyes). Love to you and the girls.
It has literally been almost two decades since I took my youngest baby to kindergarten – yet this post brought it all back. Thank you Stephanie – as always, your words are spot on. Hugs to you!
Beautiful post – beautiful girls! Precious moments!
No. Full day!
We had our first day of preschool today. Our last first day at the school AJ has been in since before Sammy was born! I’m with you on the terrifying, but you’ve prepared those girls well. They are awesome, just like their mama!
Oh, my heart. My boy starts year 2 tomorrow.
Oh man, seeing your child vulnerable is so hard. My oldest started 6th grade today and I could tell she was a bit nervous (but would never admit it).
Ok. I teared up (again) at one of your posts.
The way you described these little moments is so touching and spot-on to the way I felt when my kids went off to school for their first days. Now they’re in middle and high school! (And it breaks my heart a little bit that they don’t need me as much anymore. but i guess that’s what parenting is about.)
Seriously, where does the time go?!
I have a feeling that your next post will be about a wonderful a “first day” Sadie had.
Thanks so much for sharing your heartfelt thoughts with us.
oh..you had me crying!!!! Such a touching, touching account of the morning….I loved it! I never had a children, but if I did….I would want them to be exactly like yours!!! TFS
Two stylin’ gals in their boots! And I LOVE the banged up knees in the pictures. That was so me when I was that age.
beautifully written! Made me tear up….love the line “what is about our children being so vulnerable”….so sweet and true
Parenting is everything you said, even as I celebrate my baby girl’s 30th birthday tomorrow.
*sigh*
Not sure what it is with your posts lately, but they make me cry. I guess because I remember when your bigs were babies. And now they’re big, and *I* have babies. And soon my babies will be bigs and off to school. 🙁
I wasn’t expecting to cry, while reading this. Really, I wasn’t. But then Sadie said, “appropriate.” And I lost it. *sigh*
Not sure if I’m crying because I feel you… your bigs (that used to be littles) are both going off to school, or if I’m crying because that will be me soon… seeing Hattie off to school and watching Meyer be sad that his big sister is away from him all day. 🙁
Hugs, Mama! 🙂
Thanks for this beautiful post. I’m crying now. Good luck to Sadie. She’ll do great because she has such great parents.
That kid is so awesome! Looking at those pictures made me ready- I miss them so much!!
Mine went back to school today, it is such a sad time. Hope she had a lovely day.
Stephanie, that was beautiful. You should write a book because you truly seem able to put the feelings every Mother has in moments such as the one you experienced with Sadie today. Thank you for allowing my heart to open up, and remember about 28 years ago when my beautiful little girl went through those great big kindergarten doors and left her mess of a Mom balling her eyes out all the way home. So touching, so honest. God Bless You Sweet Girl.
Just cried the ‘ugly cry.’ I know time will go so fast & soon Lizzy will be at her first day of Kindergarten!
Oh my. Beautifully written. She sounds like she will do just fine!
My “baby” started senior school today (UK, the school she’ll be in from 11-16) looking oh-so-grown-up. I didn’t cry but I did say a silent prayer (“let it go well, let her have friends” that kind of thing). She was pretty upbeat until the journey then she got quieter & quieter & paler & paler… I was so glad when she saw a friend as she hopped out of the car & was off & running. (I didn’t even have time to think about the fact that my oldest was about to start the 1st day of his LAST year there…oh my, it all goes sooooo fast.)
As I tucked her into bed tonight (yes, I’m still allowed to do that, lucky me!) she told me that she **could** be worrying about tomorrow as it’ll be a full day of lessons (there were only 2 today) “…but, like you said Mummy, I only have to do the first things once so this time tomorrow it’ll be done & after all, today went well just like you said it would…” Thank goodness that it did go as well as I promised her it would, thank goodness that she is so level headed.
May all their firsts (& seconds & thirds!) go well xxx
Sniff sniff… my last one left for college and the emotions are very similar. But the first one leaving was by far the hardest. I seem to be doing ok this time. BTW,they are truly your girls in every way. Congratulations on a job well done.
oh my goodness, you had me crying….this totally reminds me of when my two boys were at that stage, and now they’re in Grade 7 and Grade 9!!!! I was able to take them to school, thankfully my job doesn’t start until tomorrow…but man oh man, it’s like someone punches you and you can’t catch your breath because of all the rollercoaster feelings you get when you have to say good-bye to them and watch them go on their own….
Way to go Sadie…you are so grown up now…hope you had a fantastic first day of Kindergarten!
Awww. I don’t know if it’s hormones or what but you made me cry…
YOU, Missy Lou, slay ME! I am over here bawling my eyes out. Yo should seriously become a published writer. Your words capture the emotion so perfectly. Hugs to you!
As much as I LOVE everything you wrote, I am more distracted that kindergarten teachers get an aide there! Haha! I have 23 kinders as well as the rest of my team except one who has 25, and we will never get aides! I am so jealous! Haha. Her teacher is going to adore her!
Oh gosh, that SO made me cry. You managed to capture all of her emotions in your photos and story. So you’ll never forget it. And that’s what scrapbooking is all about.
cried a little reading this because my oldest just went to kindergarten this year and i really didn’t know how emotional i would get.
you are a good mom 🙂 such an example to all of us.
Gorgeous post! You are such a wonderful mother and these types of posts really make me look forward to motherhood one day : )
Oh so sweet. God bless you and yours!
Oh for Pete’s sake, now I’m bawling. Honestly, those sweet pictures of her adorable face! You reminded me of my second going off to school, (yeah, he’s 30 now), he was harder for me than my first. He was my quiet one, deep thinker, didn’t approach others to make friends. It was SO hard, for me. I used to sneak to the parking lot to watch him on the playground without him knowing. That saying about your heart walking around outside your body. Yeah. But like I said, he’s 30 now! And still one of my favorite people in the world.
such beautiful girls through and through, all of you. much love, doris
Reading your post makes me tear. First day of schools are always hard and I am glad that Sadie went off without much tears. You are doing it right, I think you’re an awesome mother and your kids adore you. 🙂
I am sure she will make tonnes of friends before the day is over.
I love this story along with all your others…you speak from your heart and you surely touch mine!
Love following your blog…
Ugly crying now and trying to type through the tears. My oldest is in 5th grade this year and youngest is in 2nd, and I still have not made it through one first day of school without crying. You are right…there’s just something about seeing our babies so vulnerable. That look of nervousness that you feel too because you remember what it felt like to be nervous like that on your first day of school. You’ve protected them from so many things by having them at home with you, only to expose them to a whole new world all at once. It’s sure not easy. Rest assured, they will thrive in this new environment because you have raised them right and given them a solid foundation. I’d love to tell you that it gets easier as they get older…but it does not. So bittersweet, isn’t it?
Tears are streaming down my face. I hate/love those first days. Our kids lay their clothes out on the floor every night for school the next day….my husband calls them “flat-clothes-kids” and makes up stories about them coming to life at night and running around the house making mischief 🙂 The alter-egos of the sleeping kids. I hope Sadie LOVES her first experiences of school!!
It’s amazing, as Moms, all of the feelings we can have all at once isn’t it??!! The first day of school gets me every time! My youngest, who just started middle school yesterday, asked me not to cry and I promised I would at least try to wait until he got out of the car. Sure enough… the tears started running down my cheeks as I drove away. Thanks for sharing this special first!
Beautiful. Thank you for sharing, even if I’m crying now, too. Go, Sadie! Go, Mom!
Ack! I apparently missed the *Kleenex Alert* for this post! Should have known 😉 What a beautiful story of Sadie’s first day. Reaching out for Harper’s hand? Sob. These photos are stunning, by the way. Love the two that are side by side – telling secrets and laughing away. Sadie looked beautiful, despite her nervousness. Can’t wait to hear all about her new adventures as a school girl!
p.s. Doing *something* right? Ha. You, my dear, are doing much more than just something. xo
You tell a beautiful, honest story! One of many reasons I love your blog. My girls started 4 weeks ago and I was so sad to drop my baby off for kindergarten. I held it together until I got home and broke down. I was okay for about a week and one morning after dropping her off I looked back to tell her something and the seat was empty…I cried all the way home. I hope Sadie’s first day was perfect!
Oh Stephanie, what a great post. You can always make me laugh and cry at the same time. Love all the pictures. I think you are doing it right, love your precious family. Hugs to you all!
I cried today. I was a mess. I waited until after I dropped off my son and drove to High Street. Sending my son off to his 9th school. Ninth school! Did I just type that? He’s 15, 6-foot-2 and yet somehow I was more nervous than he was today. His first day in a British private school. Uniform and all. Yikes. Great post Steph! Did you read The Kissing Hand last night?
SHe is so big and looks so much like Harper in these photos! What a beautiful , lovely, growing up girl:)
oh my goodness… those pics of sadie and harper together…they both look so much older!
picture number 4, sooooo perfect!
sadie bug is so darn CUTE, I just adore her personality!
she may look like Jimmy, but she is 100% YOU in personality,
at least from what I can tell!?!
Love this post and oh so true, even with my 12 and 13 year old big girls, parenting never stops hurting. It’s so so hard seeing them struggle, get hurt. so much more I will have to experience, but the best part is, it’s all worth it right?!
hugs and LOVE to your mama heart!
thank God you still have the twins to play with LOL!
tara
So beautifully put! I have shed tears every year (oldest is a senior in college). I keep hoping I won’t cry on the first day of school and yet it still happens with my three babies.
You are an amazing mother to those beautiful little sprites.
OMG! Stephanie this was hands down the most moving blog post I have ever read. It absolutely resonated with me…to my core. Thank you for sharing…thank you for putting yourself out there time and time again. I am so inspired by your post to continue to document my family’s journey with such honesty and genuine authenticity. I hope Sadie had a great first day of Kindetgarten!
Hello, while I do not know you, I have tears. Tears for you, as this year our littles just seemed SO grown in the blink of an eye. Tears for your heart, you wear it on your sleeve as I do mine. This year, at our youngest’s [who has Autism] new school…they had a YAHOO And BOOHOO breakfast/coffee for the parents the first day of school. And there I was in a puddle with other Moms who bless their hearts, feel it all over their body! Bless you, Stephanie!
Hello, just posted…right before about Yahoo and BooHoos, it’s me, Erin Yamabe, but I was signed in for Ruby Rock-it. I work for them, and don’t know how to undo that and type as me. My apologies…
Thanks for sharing Stephanie.
Prob so many comments you wont get to this one but oh my, you got it so right! Such a great post. My little girl (who has been so so much fun and so so hard – tears from me many days of the week) starts school in Australia next year and it is breaking my heart already, in between all the – it is time moments. Best wishes for life’s journey x
this post pretty much summed up Zachary’s first day of kindergarten. He had the same fears and I cried walking away from the school without him. Sunglasses are a good thing… 🙂
Tears! Adore your blog, thanks for sharing. Enjoy your time with just the babes 🙂
Sweet.. thank for sharing… Girl know too well to have pictures take before school.
Love that snapshot of girls talk in ear. sweet
I hope Sadies first day was just wonderful. She is a tough little cookie, but we always have our doubts and fears.
She has two wonderful parents, she will be able to handle all the firsts just fine. Probably better than mom!
And I am sure the twins missed her too!
Thank you for sharing your journey with us, your openness with your struggles makes it easier on the rest of us, knowing we are not alone. My youngest just started driving, no matter how well he is prepared, how well he handles things, letting go as a parent is still so hard. But we have to, for them to grow strong!
Well said…and I am typing this with tears running down my face!!
Waaa..bawling my eyes out. They grow so fast don’t they? Ugh. I remember, vividly, when I first came across your posts on Two Peas. Harper was T.I.N.Y..now look..you have FOUR baby girls. Wow.
Beautiful post Stephanie!!!!!!! Thanks for sharing:)
My little one will be 2 in Dec, so I’m not here yet. I still wanted to comment- beautiful post!! 🙂
I needed this! My daughter starts on Tuesday!
I still get teary on the first day of school too. My 4 year old started preschool recently and I cried like a baby the first day, several times. I have a first grader too and it just tears me up that she walks away from me so easily. Being a mama is hard!
I’m crying right there with you and you are so right, it never stops. I have 2 grown girls off in college and 2 almost grown boys and I still get that emotional at all their firsts. Great post, thanks for sharing!
Beautiful pictures, Stephanie. Your love for your girls shines through these posts and you’ve made me fall in love with them, too. Totally sitting here with tears in my eyes reading about Sadie’s first day.