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Stephanie Howell

reading, organizing, shopping, momming too close to the sun. Home is wherever the Army sends us.


there is so much i could say and so much i don’t know how to say.

what happened to those precious babies in connecticut makes me sob.

it makes me want to scream until i have no voice left.

it makes me want to whisper this is bullshit.over and over and over and over and over. WHY?

it makes me wonder if there is any good left in this world (even though i know there is).

it makes me get down on my knees and pray until there is no prayer left in me.

i was the first one in harper’s carpool line yesterday. i held sadie in my lap all the way through the line as tears dripped down my face. i wanted my girls with me and i wanted them home.

part of me feels that i will never let them leave this home again (even though i know that’s not reasonable).

schools

movie theaters

malls.

it’s everywhere. hatred. voilence. fear.

those parents. those students. those teachers and administrators. the citizens of that sweet little town. right before christmas? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD?

i can’t take it. it is agonizing. and wrong. and evil.

but i believe that there is light. that there is good. this prayer from max lucado says it better than i ever could.

i wanted to share it with all of you.

sending you love,comfort,light,hugs,and hope.

s

 

Dear Jesus, 

It’s a good thing you were born at night. This world sure seems dark. I
have a good eye for silver linings. But they seem dimmer lately.

These killings, Lord. These children, Lord. Innocence violated. Raw evil demonstrated.

 


The whole world seems on edge. Trigger-happy. Ticked off. We hear
threats of chemical weapons and nuclear bombs. Are we one button-push
away from annihilation?

Your world seems a bit darker this
Christmas. But you were born in the dark, right? You came at night. The
shepherds were nightshift workers. The Wise Men followed a star. Your
first cries were heard in the shadows. To see your face, Mary and Joseph
needed a candle flame. It was dark. Dark with Herod’s jealousy. Dark
with Roman oppression. Dark with poverty. Dark with violence.


Herod went on a rampage, killing babies. Joseph took you and your mom
into Egypt. You were an immigrant before you were a Nazarene.


Oh, Lord Jesus, you entered the dark world of your day. Won’t you enter
ours? We are weary of bloodshed. We, like the wise men, are looking for a
star. We, like the shepherds, are kneeling at a manger.

This Christmas, we ask you, heal us, help us, be born anew in us.

Hopefully,

Your Children

 

Comments

  3. I just can’t imagine what is wrong with people to do acts like this on strangers and in this particular case KIDS!! It breaks my heart and I can’t wrap my head around it. I cried yesterday at my desk at work. It’s not okay that these things happen and nothing happens as a result. We need to protect our feature, they are everything.

  5. I am heart broken to see so many innocent lives taken. I am always looking for the good and this just shows me our world is not all happy and sunshine. My prayers go to all those grieving and in pain.

  6. Stef, you summed up how I feel. Heartbroken, sad, angry and confused. There is good in this world, the love and support being expressed for everyone affected is overwhelming. Praying with every breath I take for these families.

  8. Your words are my words Stephanie. I think we all held our babies just a little tighter last night. My oldest actually told me I was squeezing too hard. Cherish life, cherish love, cherish all! xxx

  9. My tears just won’t stop! I have 2 Kindergartners and all I can think about is them in that same situation and it makes me sick to my stomach. Sometimes I wonder why I even brought children into this world. This world is not a good place. I prayed a lot today over this and I still cannot find understanding, forgiveness, or peace with it all. And not even about the Connecticut shooting, but our life and world in general. It is getting so bad, so scary, so violent, so FEARFUL!! I don’t want my kids to live in fear. I feel like I am holding my breath………… I hope time and patience will bring me the answers that I need.

  12. Amen.
    I know my heart is hurting and it is so tough to be calm and reassuring for my daughter. We had a 16 year old boy commit suicide night before last here in the high school parking lot and my girl goes to school with his little sister. So upsetting and it seems all too frequent. Just hug your own, that’s the most you can do right now.

  13. Stephanie, that really sums it all up. Like sooo many others..I too was broken yesterday. I watched the news until my sobs and swollen eyes couldn’t take one.more.second. I turned on Christmas music, prayed, and counted down the minutes until I could got get my babies at their schools…at least until my mind drifted back to the events ( which wasn’t long)..then it was back to the news.
    What hurt me the most, speaking as a Mommy that has lost a young child, was that the parents obviously wanted to go to their babies..scoop them up..hold them..protect them..tell them they love them..and never let them go..even though it was too late…but they couldn’t. The thought of them being seperated from them as they lay in their classroom…kills.me. It has resurfaced painful memories of everything that follows after a loss like this.. A huge piece of me feels like it has died again, knowing that sooo many families have to endure a pain that I would never.wish.on.anyone.
    I will keep praying. I will continue to have faith in ‘good’. I will continue hold onto family just a bit tighter.
    Thank you for sharing this prayer..for so perfectly summing up this tragedy (I far fewer words thb me)

  14. Well said. The feelings you and others have expressed are the feelings of not only a Mother but also of a human being. This does not make sense! I’m not a mom, sadly never will, and I cried when I saw parents anguish faces, the childrens fear,and our president not able to get thought his speech. As an ICU nurse at a Trauma Center I see how evil humans can be towards each other week after week. SENSELESS. So hugs your beautiful girls a little more today and let them know that there IS good in this world. They don’t have to look far. All they have to do is look in the mirror and the faces of thier parents. God Bless.

  15. I just don’t have words. It’s unthinkable, unspeakable. I, too, held my little ones super tight last night. All of my complaints and issues are just so so small and insignificant. xoxo

  19. That prayer was just beautiful and I would love to share it if that is ok?
    My heart goes out to all those affected by the shootings.
    Holding my children tighter at the moment.

  20. Amen…
    Same here.. I was at school, teaching sign classes for last 3 days.
    Couldn’t believe how much kids change from last few months and with good numbers of years with them.
    then found out the news. heart broke.

  22. There is the answer Stephanie. In the last line of the prayer. “Be born anew in us.”
    May the Truth and Light and Love of Christ fill hearts and lives in this world.
    Praying He would comfort and strengthen those families and their community, that He would heal and give peace to those whose hearts are breaking.

  23. thank you for sharing this stephanie. i have been so upset about this yesterday and today. I am angry, sad, and terrified. Praying so much for those families experiencing a level of grief I can not comprehend. Our world needs Jesus so desperately. xoxo

  25. Well said. Can’t barely look at Payton without tearing up today. She still sleeps with a blankie and believes in Santa and Evie the Elf and the power of magic. As horrific details are told, my only comfort is in thinking that this horrible person was so focused on an execution that I don’t think these babies suffered. Knowing their mamas couldn’t go in and hold them last night, which hurts me tremendously to contemplate, there is a small comfort in feeling that their babies did not suffer and walked into heaven together.

  27. As I sit listening to Christian music, I sob so deeply. I just don’t understand why there is so much hate and evil in this world. We can’t live in fear, but that is becoming a harder task each day. I just can not imagine the pain, the ache, the insane feeling of “things will never be the same” for this world. I pray for peace for the families. Let God be their comforter.

  28. My heart is broken b.c of the senselessness in it all. My God is an awesome God and he will reign. I am looking for something good to come out of all of this. I may never know what but God will not let it go un-noticed. These parents have suffered so and will for a while. All we can do now is ask God to comfort them and be with them.

  30. Thank you Stephanie. We are at a loss for words, but God isn’t, and He talks to us through men like Max. Thanks for sharing.

  31. I cry, I just now thoses mothers of the little babies are curled up in a ball, crying and screaming, and I can’t help them, the sorrow they are feeling is something I can’t even imagine, I would never recover, I’m sure some of them never will, I think the whole world knows they are in pain and knows that we can’t fix or help them, I’m devastated

  33. I am a mom. I teach first grade, 6 and 7 year olds. I am horribly sad, like the rest of America. This is excruciating. I keep seeing my students’ little faces in my mind, all weekend. They were so excited and happy when we left school Friday — Christmasitme! I cannot even begin to fathom what that community in Connecticut is enduring. The parents, the teachers, all the other students who have survived??? How will they get through this??
    So tired of the darkness…Max is right, we need God’s light more than ever now.

  34. Thank you for sharing Max Lucado’s prayer. I had seen it yesterday on various sites. This world needs Jesus-right now we need His comfort. As a mom of 3 (one the same age as many of the victims) and I am also a teacher, this has hit me harder than I thought possible. Monday morning will be so different in so many ways for so many people. What is so awesome about prayer is that though we don’t really know each other or the ones personally affected, we are united as one in prayer. Blessings to you and your family.

  36. that’s a beautiful prayer and couldn’t be more perfect.
    this world has so much bad in it steph, but oh how it has good in it too.
    I am seeing that firsthand with what I have going on in my life right now,
    perfect strangers are showing me kindness and a Jesus heart…
    it’s awful and tragic, but those children (and the adults) who lost their life that day,
    it won’t be in vain, good will come, people are essentially good.
    we have to believe that or we will all just quit living.
    You are raising 4 GOOD people who can make a BIG difference in this world, rest assured in that.
    I love your heart stephanie howell!
    love,
    tara

  37. Just devastating. Such true words, cannot believe there is such evil in the world. Thinking of you all and your beautiful children. Victoria x

  39. I totally feel you, I can’t function for days, I teach and when I go to school, I hug the kids, even they are not mine, everyone of them, what on earth is wrong with the people.

  40. I still sit here asking myself why. It is almost time to get my boys up to get ready for school and part of me really just wants to keep them here with me. I know I can’t but it would make me feel better to know they are safe. And part of me also wants to keep them home to shield them from hearing about it at school because I don’t want them to worry about it and I know at least my oldest one’s teacher will probably say something about it in school.

  42. there are no words to describe this, horrible, tragic, sick-none of those seem evil enough…I did the same thing on Friday…picked up my little man from preschool with tears streaming down my face and the teacher just looked at me and nodded, she knew what was wrong…at my daughter’s school, all the mom’s were out of the cars, everyone was crying…I think the entire world is shedding tears and in total shock. December will forever be a dark month for those families…I can only hope that the memories of good times with those 20 children and 6 adults will help the families cope.

  43. Thank you so much for sharing that prayer with us. I am horrified at the depths of human depravity and sinfulness, and I am praying and praying for those families and that community….hard to know what to pray sometimes, so I just cry instead. I can only imagine the pain and grief.

  45. That prayer, just so beautiful. I’m scared to see the faces of all those children who lost their lives that day. I feel like it could be too much, too much to process, too much anguish to fathom. There is evil in this world for sure, but knowing that light overcame darkness long ago is the comfort we now have because Christ died for us. Be blessed.

  46. My heart has been aching since those events…every little thing my girls do is fresh in my mind…I can’t fathom not having them to hug and kiss every day…I ache for the darkness that seems to be at the forefront of what is happening in the world…it’s time to start healing all this evil and sickness so that we don’t have to live in fear…I want my girls to be able to feel free and happy and not worry about what’s hiding around the corner…I have been praying for the community in Newtown and am sending cards, hearts, snowflakes…all the things that are popping up on the internet and Facebook to show our support for what happened…I pray that the families find some comfort in the love being poured out to them…nothing can replace the hole from losing their children/loved ones, but knowing that people care and are there to hold them up while they are shedding tears of grief can provide a glimmer of hope…sending out hugs to everyone out there. We need lots of love during this Christmas season.