today’s post has been rolling around in my heart and my head for a while now. reading ali’s wonderful post yesterday made me want to get these thoughts down. i’m not quite sure how to explain it properly, so please forgive me if today’s post is rambly and random.
scrapbooking has been both a blessing and a curse.
a blessing because it has giving me the gift of creating. of the happiness and release that comes with making something with my own two hands. in a way it has been a therapy for me.
through 7 of the 8 deployments our family has endured,scrapbooking has kept me sane. given me much needed “me time”.
the curse? that i now have memory keeper’s guilt.
it’s that moment when you realize you can not possibly document everything you want to remember.
it’s the way sadie says certain words incorrectly. the way that cate’s lock of hair falls in her face. the inside jokes i have with jimmy right now. our favorite meals. the way harper poses for photos. the way the babies dance,the way their little voices sound,the way they feel in my arms.
i want to remember the complexities of my relationships with my girls. the frustration combined with the moments that take my breath away (because i love them so much it hurts).
the way that my babies always smell like baby shampoo with a slight undercurrent of graham crackers (even though they don’t eat graham crackers).
i want to remember the way jimmy’s hand feels in mine, the way he looks at me,the way he smells and how safe he makes me feel.
how frustrated i get with him about the same silly things. and how i regret it instantly and put my head on his shoulder (because it’s hard for me to say i’m sorry).
i want to remember always moments like this:
each today is unique. my children will never be this exact age again. they will never sound and look the same. and it’s constantly changing. each day is a whirling dervish of lasts and firsts and everyday beautiful moments and silly frustrations and not so silly frustrations.
i simply can’t remember it all.
that’s human nature. i get that. but it doesn’t mean i don’t feel sad about it.
each day,each month,each year there will be things i want desperately to remember.
scrapbooking made me see in a way i’d never seen before. it made me hear in a new way. taste life in a new way.
but it also makes me sad and slightly panicky for all of the things i won’t remember.
you live,you savor,you experience every moment.if you get caught up in documenting too much of it…you miss living it.
so i am continuing to search for the right balance. i am starting to accept that i won’t remember it all,as much as i wish i could.
i am grateful for this blog,for social media.for my outlets that can capture the little things that will be forgotten quickly.
the little things will slip my mind.
but they all add up to make one big thing. i will always remember the thread of love,respect,and hilarity that ran through our lives.
that much i know.
life is a great big jumble of everyday moments. ordinary miracles. i sure wish i could grasp every single one and hold them close to my heart forever. does that make sense?
i can’t promise you that i’ll ever let go of my memory keeper’s guilt. it’s in my nature to think that way.
but remember i said it’s a blessing and a curse? the blessing part trumps the curse part. big time. every time.
happy friday y’all.
xoxo
Oh how I can relate to this! I’ve struggled against that same guilt. I think it’s good to come to that realization that the love threaded through will be remembered even if every moment isn’t. Beautiful post!
Catherine Denton
Oh my goodness, you’ve captured in words exactly the way I feel, too.
oh i feel ya!!
i think though being scrappers (lol) that it’s a good thing we notice this, that time is moving fast & there are important things to try and remember. we try. bu then there’s the non-scrappers who don’t really realize what they are missing & that really makes me sad for them & their families.
happy friday friend!
xo
I so appreciate this, Stephanie. I haven’t scrapbooked in MONTHS. MONTHS! I haven’t had the time but I’ve been keeping memories through just LIVING and through Instagram! HA! Or, as my husband says– Insta Grandma. (Insert Rolls Eyes. LOL). Anyways, thanks for this today! God bless you!
I think all us scrappers have been there, but you are doing so much better than so many of us. I’ve been trying to do a better job of scrapping moments, and feelings, and fleeting seconds and not concentrate so much on events – and you’re a big part of helping make that transition. Thanks!
Beautifully written Stephanie. This post brought tears to my eyes. It is so true. I actually have scrapbooking-related “tasks” on my to do list. Is that right? Finding that balance is so difficult. Thank you for expressing it so well.
Wow you are inside my head today….I continually go through this and then just thanks my daughter will love my books whether I get one thing or everything and your girls will too. You are awesome at what you do and I love being able to get pieces here and there of your life.
I wish you would still do Project LIfe in its simplest form. Put a picture and journal..DONE! I have been doing PL for 4 years and taking a picture everyday. I love it and my family does too. I go to Walmart once a week and print my pictures and I use collage print when I have more than one picture of the day. I also use colored pens for each day just to add color. You have the cutest kids ever and your pictures are fantastic. Come back to PL!!!
You hit the nail on the head. I couldn’t of said it better. And I am right there with you. I have thought the same thing. I am so in tune to all the little things that I can’t possibly document. I miss the smell of my babies (baby shampoo with the lotion, made them smell oh so good that I wish I could have bottled it). It makes me sad that my kids are growing so fast. We having a lot of last firsts here with my sweet boy heading off to school. Yes, I too, have the same guilt you speak of.
letty-
SO interesting you say this. this has REALLY been on my heart lately.I really do want to start again. And this time I wont get sucked into all of the hoopla and be made to feel that each pl page has to look like a mini scrap page. that was ridiculous, silly, and UNATTAINABLE for me. thanks for your encouragement!
S
I know how you feel..we do the best and at least we document and preserve memories..there are many people who don’t!
It’s like you are in my head today!! OMG!! My twin babies started Kindergarten today and I am a big slobbery mess. I cannot stop crying!! I too cling to the everyday moments of the sounds of their laughter, or holding their sweet little hands and smelling their hair while they sleep. I am happy for them and proud of them for growing up and accomplishing all that life throws at them, but yet it frightens me so much that I am loosing them! I know that is what life is all about. My children lost their grandmother this summer unexpectedly and it was rough seeing them so sad and not understanding why we can’t see her anymore and that now she is in heaven. She was a young grandma and spent so much time with my children, it was so precious!! But it really opened my eyes to life and to appreciate every single day, the good AND the bad!! Steph, your words today were perfectly clear to me!!! ((hugs))
Kami-
I am SO sorry for your loss,darling girl. Sending you love, hugs,and comfort. xoxo
You so don’t have to do it that way. Make it your own to satisfy your own needs :).
Every time you write a post here or share photos you are memory keeping. No guilt sister :).
I know I don’t. I put those silly pressures on MYSELF. And now I regret it. So I’m starting all over again. xoxo
such a great post stephanie. i know i often feel the same way. i started a journal a long time ago with the wonderful things they say…and i try to write them down on scraps of paper to compile later if i’m not near the journal. i love that my scrapbooking changed from event-chronicling to moment-chronicling. (uh, is chronicling a word? it looks SO weird.) it’s definitely helped to preserve the little things i don’t want to forget…and i think you were one of the scrapbookers whose “type” of scrapping helped me to transition.
my favorite thing is re-reading my blog. i started it when my middle one was just a few months old, which means a lot of things i would have otherwise forgotten are recorded there. and that is SO precious. i think it’s good to remember that not all our memories have to be scrapped…i think that one day, printing my blog in book-form and adding that to the shelf of albums will present an even more rounded look at our moments. it gives me some freedom to not feel like i have to scrap everything. and YOUR blog has captured so many amazing, precious, heart-aching, and hilarious moments.
but you’re right. i often wish my eyes & ears were a permanent recording device.
I totally get the guilt, I feel it everyday! But I just said to my husband like just the other day that I’m so grateful I wrote down (and scrapped) little memories, quotes and characteristics of the kids, because I know I would have forgotten those little things. And it may not be their every single moment or characteristic or quote, but it’s enough. And I’m SO LUCKY TO HAVE THEM.
thank you,darling girl.
AMEN.
beautiful. the end.
I totally get that!
I feel the same way!
when you want to remember the way they sound, pull out your phone and video tape them!
I get so emotional, but in a good way when I watch old family videos and I wished I had taped MORE
of the little things….
I have an app called photo 365 on my phone and I post a random photo to it daily and add words to it,
I keep thinking I will be able to one day print it all out or print out lots of IG photos into a book,
because those iphone photos truly capture every little bit…
your blog can really help capture a lot of it and I love that.
I print out my blog posts that are the heartfelt posts of things I want to remember, then I date it and stick it in a folder.
I wanted to do a blog book through blurb, not sure I ever will a LOT of work!
live each day the way you are and you will savor it close to your heart and that is enough.
I love your family steph, they are so beautiful!
tara
I get you 100%! this is so true….but from a regular visitor of your blog, you are capturing these precious and fleeting moments beautifully. You inspire to be more honest in my journaling…(i don’t have a blog)……….and capture pictures that have a story behind them….you are doing it and love you for it!
I totally get it! This is exactly why I decided to jump on the Project Life wagon this year. I still don’t get every single thing down that I want to remember, but I’ve captured so much more by keeping some journaling cards with me and jotting down “the little things”. Your photos are GORGEOUS, by the way. I can’t believe how grown-up your girls look!
I think that every mother on this planet can relate to what you are saying…it is impossible to make a layout of every single thing the kids do and say, if we did that we would need a whole seperate house to keep the scrapbooks in!! I just take lots of photos every day, and try to implant those special moments in my brain, like when my 12 year old daughter decided this morning she wanted to wear just a little mascara and blush to school, when she walked out of her bedroom, she looked so grown up and pretty, took my breath away…or when my little man and his bluest of blue eyes wraps his little arms around my neck and says “I love you sooooo much mama” there’s nothing better, nothing. Once again your post made me cry…your girls are so beautiful, you’re a lucky mama 🙂
Beautiful! Well said… I can totally relate.
This makes me so happy to hear! I love that you are pondering coming back to PL. For what it’s worth, I am still trudging along – currently in the middle of Week 10… 10. That’s how far I’ve gotten and the year is more than half over (and just saying that takes my breath away). I want to just remember this year – of ups downs and in betweens. I’m not even sure PL is capturing all that I want to, but it’s a start. One foot in front of the other, right?
your words and photos speak volume! thank you for sharing so much of yourself. i truly admire you:)
happy weekend!
And, you don’t have to do something every day (unless you want to). You don’t have to do two spreads per week. You can use whatever products you like! 🙂 [I did a pseudo-PL this year — one 8.5 x 11 piece of cardstock, primarily printed off my printer, primarily pictures and journaling, with a few embellishments. I’m currently “behind” but I know I’ll “catch up.”]
~ Laura
I love this post Stephanie. What I will say here (since you’ve gotten so many great comments already) is that you are fortunate that your life is so full that there will be things that you may forget. As we get older, we do forget some of the details, but we’ll always remember the feelings that we’ve experienced. God Bless~
Gorgeous pictures and heartfelt writing today.
Sign me up for the guilty scrapbooking Mom support group! I wasn’t scrapbooking when my daughter was born (although I did some blogging, journaling, and picture-taking), so I feel like there was a lot I could have noticed/recorded/scrapped that wasn’t. When you look at her baby book, there isn’t much written in it. I was given a pregnancy journal, but out of some weird sense of superstition, I didn’t write much in it. I keep thinking I’ll somehow go back through emails or pictures or paperwork and fill things in, but it may never happen. BUT, I scrap now and have captured a lot, scrapped a lot, and will do more. We’ve done good, we’ve done enough, it all counts — Amen. Happy Friday.
Yes yes yes!!!! absolutely 100% YES! I feel the same way – but at the end of the day I am happy that I do document some of it b/c at the end of the day I’d still like to remember some of the everyday vs. none (which I without exaggerating feel would be the case if I didn’t get anything down on paper/on my blog!)
Sweetness!
And because you think – and write – like this I hope you teach a BPC class!
You know what? I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by how much you DO remember. Of course there are things we forget, the little things, the name of the detergent our moms used, or the name of that store that used to be on the corner… But, that said, those of us, you included, who are now paying special attention to the little things? I really believe we’re going to remember a lot more than we expect to, BECAUSE WE’RE NOTICING THEM. We’re SEEING the little things. We didn’t KNOW to remember them we were younger. Of course all your pages and photos and blog posts will help, but even those things you don’t RECORD, I really think you’ll remember, WE’LL remember, because we’re PAYING ATTENTION!
i love this. thank you.
Great photos, and I know how you feel! I always feel torn deciding which photos to scrap. 🙂
I totally know what you are talking about. I have some remorse in that when my children were babies it was all about those “front page worthy” photography & I didn’t even think of video. I have a couple of videos & to watch it brings you right back to that place- to hear their little voices, see them in action helps you recapture those memories 1000% more than those flat quiet videos. I know that you are great with filming your kids- I wish I would have known that then….
oh gosh this SO speaks to me today: “if you get caught up in documenting too much of it…you miss LIVING it.” such true words. and a good reminder to help keep that guilt at bay. LOVE this post, Steph!
Love YOU.
Sent from my iPhone
Beautifully written. And that last pic of Sadie and one of her sisters!!…so sweet!
yup, this, all of it.
It’s one of the reasons I am so thankful for Facebook. At least somewhere I have those memories saved 🙂
Amen. I am going through memory keeper’s remorse. Our oldest daughter is a senior and I am looking at the things I’ve neglected to put into her books, albums I should have done… But she is a darling girl, and we have a great relationship, not your typical teen. Living those moments has been fun and, like you said, I’m still sad about what didn’t get done but so, so glad at what did. 🙂 Hugs!!
Great post, Stephanie! Luckily you have a digital camera/camera phone to quickly capture a lot of the day-to-day activities of your beautiful girls. Sadly, when my kids (ages 17 and 14) were little, there was no such thing as digital cameras so most of my photos/captured memories evolve around holidays, birthdays and vacations. And now, they hide when the camera comes out! You are definitely right about the blessing part and the words on this blog will help you capture the rest!
Oh my, you found a way to put into words what has been on my heart. I’ve been working on finding that balance too. I don’t want to be so caught up in capturing the moment that I never live it in the present. Lovely pics too.
I love this, I feel this exact way but I could have never, ever written it so well!
tara…that app sounds cool…wonder if droid has it? and could i get over myself and start it in the middle of september, not Jan1st! haha! i’m going to check it out. sounds cool. thanks.
Maybe for droid? I hope so! If not, I bet there is something similar! I started mine in September of last year!!!
Sent from my iPhone
touched me today…as i wait for my middle to come home from driving herself to school for the first time. just remember-anything that you do is better than nothing…and your girls will love remembering with you! I have kept our land-line at home because it has a 14 year old anwering machine message with my 3 babies saying “hello, this is the Cannon family…” on it…thanks for sharing!
Yes, yes, yes.
You nailed it.
I completely identify.
My favourite line from this: “scrapbooking made me see in a way i’d never seen before. it made me hear in a new way. taste life in a new way.”
totally
Very touching post and so true.
I feel the exact same way – Thanks so much for sharing this!
I am with you!! Great post!
I know how you feel. You have a beautiful way with words, Stephanie. Have a happy and blessed weekend with your family soaking up all of the smells, sights, laughter and joy. 🙂
These words really struck me in the heart!! I lost my Dad this summer and I am constantly trying to remember his laugh, his voice, our last conversation, our last “I love you’s” I so get what you mean. I really want to remember it all too!! Thanks for the beautiful words!
Oh my goodness, Stephanie, I have been thinking these same things about my 4-year-old twin granddaughters. The way they say things that might not be correct. The way Sadie sang Yellow while learning her colors along with the little character on the DVD. The way they look, smile, act, etc. The way their little voices sound. We just enjoy them while they are happening I guess. Hugs to you and enjoy those beautiful daughters and your relationship with Jimmy.
Thanks so much for sharing your life with us. I enjoy being there 🙂
your blog always brings tears to my eyes – in such a good way. a way only another mother could really “get.” thank you.
I totally have gone through the same struggles to find a balance between living life and documenting it (participating vs observing.) I have found that I leave the camera at home rather than making every experience about documenting. I wish that in that case I’d come home and journal about the day – that would be a good compromise, I think. But obviously I’ve gotta get that figured out! I also struggle because I have so little of my childhood documented and I have a horrible memory so I am overcompensating with my own kids’ lives – talk about guilt! Feel sorry for them!
This is a very important and difficult question. I’m glad you brought it up and I wish you success in finding a balance that works for you and your family.
My sentiments exactly…i think you probably hit a chord with most mothers…well said friend…keep laughing, hugging, dancing, playing, loving, crying, kissing…and just being in every moment…blessings!
I was going to suggest the same thing Stephanie, PL really can work and be easy. Every Sunday I sit with my photos for that week from Walgreens and just slide them in and write a little. When there is too many photos I do collages and if not enough pictures then some pockets are left blank or I fill it in with writing things I remember from that week. Don’t even attempt to make this into scrapping, too much stress and not enough time with all your cute babies, heck I don’t even take a picture everyday this is my 4th year and I’ve learned to just pick some favorite from the week. MAKE IT YOUR WAY!!! When you have a whole complete album at the end and go thru it with your family, your heart will be filled with soooo much joy and love and happiness. Every year feels like the first one all over again to me.
GO FOR IT!!!
p.s. did you read Becky’s blog this week ummm I think Thursday’s post, a mom did I think 5mths of photos in 4 hours. Read it and be inspired.
HUGS!
Loved this post and feel the same way so many times. I use to scrap daily and keep track of every little detail as it happened. Well that got harder as the got bigger and busier and the guilt set in and then PL came our way and now I have a place for all those little moments. No worries about scrapping and making pretty pages, for me it’s the stories/photos that I want the most. I wrote about my PL idea in the beginning of your comments where everyone else did.
I keep a notebook on the kitchen table and jot notes in it during the day/before bedtime/early mornings whenever I can. Just little things written like you did in this post, things I want to remember and loved or hated and funny things I will forget. This is something you could prob. have time for and even Jay could add his thoughts in it since he’s HOME THIS YEAR!!! No stress or worries about pretty pages, just your daily thoughts. Give it a try and see if it works for you.
Thanks for the tears/laugh/joy/ love in reading this post, love the way you express yourself. Those photos are the best esp. the rocking chair one, precious. HUGS!!
I am so sure this thoughtfully & beautifully written piece will ring true to many, many mums of young families. We can only hold just so much in our heads or we would be overwhelmed with information but that which we hold in our hearts will last a life-time.
Free yourself from guilt & do what works for you; balance is always good.
From what I can tell of you from your wonderful blogs, you will instinctfully know what is the right thing for you, your family & your ability to create moving & gorgeous memories.
Oh Steph thanks so much for this post. Wow I feel the same, so much guilt & that I am missing so much & have missed so much. Some days I don’t even feel like Im in the moment either, so not enjoying that or recording it??!! Life gets so busy with things….not necessarily important things either. Thanks for helping me to take stock on what is really important….& hopefully I won’t feel sick about the thought of scrapping….I so miss it (haven’t done it for 6 months) & then other times it literally makes me feel nauseous to even think about it. Your family is so beautiful & you are so precious. Thanks for sharing.
M xx
i love you so so so very much.
and these words.
sigh.
love how you GET it.
xoxo.
girl, im right there with you. it FLIES,doesnt it?
big hugs and love.
xoxo
This. All of this. Exactly what you said is why I can’t scrapbook right now. I’m all teary eyed thinking of it. I have a newborn and I’m trying to capture as much as I can of her right now but it makes me feel badly that I’ve forgotten so much of my older kids lives. All the things I thought I would never forget. But you are SO RIGHT when you say it all adds up to “right now”. So I’m not scrapping but I’m living life with them, creating memories and I’ll put what I can on a page. Thank you for sharing.
You are a great chronist! Everyday I come to your blog to read your stories. In a realistic language, funny, tender and full of love! Congrats from Madrid , Spain!
Aww that is soo cute!! I loved your description of the night, sounds like she is going to be fun as a teenager going out on dates 😉 Hope all is well x
**standing and applauding** (and, ok, maybe wiping a little mist out of my eyes, too.) You said so eloquently what is in all of our hearts!