God gave me something I never could have imagined or dreamed of for myself. Something I did not think was in the cards and something I didn’t think I needed to have a complete heart and something I frankly would have snorted at ten years ago…my fifth child.
I NEVER in a million years would have told you that we were missing someone. Although Harper routinely said that she felt like our family wasn’t complete (true story) , I thought it was.
And then came Cora Jane.
And y’all. She.Is.GLORIOUS.
There’s a little joke in our family. When Cora is sitting on the kitchen counter eating raw sugar, or finding something on the ground and getting it in her mouth before I can stop her, or when she wanders away from us and joins the kindergarten end of year music presentation…we say hashtagfifthchild.
For real.
Let me count the ways that I’ve changed in the ten years between my first and fifth children.
Harper at 20 months: OMG YOU PUT AN OLD FRENCH FRY IN YOUR MOUTH DO I NEED TO TAKE YOU TO THE DOCTOR???
Cora at 20 months: Well at least she got a snack.
Harper at 20 months: Perfectly curated and monogrammed Nordstrom outfits.
Cora at 20 months: Hand me down Christmas outfits in June.
Harper at 20 months: She can say 293423 words and she knows all of her shapes and letters!
Cora at 20 months: She just ate a worm. Hmmm.
Harper at 20 months: No television screen shall ever touch upon her innocent eyeballs.
Cora at 20 months : (after snapping out of an unblinking zone I was in) OH CRAP. DID SHE JUST WATCH A 27 MINUTE ELMO LOOP ON YOUTUBE? Oh well…she seems okay.
But.
BUT.
It is the best. The BEST. You know why? I’m enjoying and loving every.single.moment.
With age (I turn 40 this summer) comes wisdom.
And here’s my wisdom. NONE OF THAT SH*& matters.
I’ve let go of the fears, the germaphobic behaviors, and the self-doubt. My shoulders are down instead of up around my ears. I’m enjoying her and loving her and letting her be a baby. I’ve let go of the worrying what others think, the obsessive reading of parenting articles and books, and I’ve stopped listening to what other moms dictate (you know, the type that think what THEY do is the ONLY way to do things) and instead just started listening to my heart.
Harper was my first and I was in my twenties. So there was a lot of panicking and AM I DOING THIS RIGHT? I was always worried. Always. And that was pre-Internet sanctimommy days. I can’t even imagine now.
Sadie was born when Harper was only 21 months old. And Jimmy was in Afghanistan from when she was 5 months to 17 months. So that was a blur. To say the least. It was hold on tight/survival mode. By the skin of my teeth.
When Cate and Lucy were born…well…they were twins. And Jimmy was gone all the time. And I had a 3 and 4 year old. I do not remember the first few years of their lives. And I’m not saying that to be funny. I’m saying that with tears in my eyes.
Thank God for blogging and Instagram and photos. That’s my memory.
But Cora? Oh I can enjoy it. I can just love on her and enjoy her and witness her glory. And conversely, when she’s throwing a massive fit I can just nonchalantly step over her and continue on my merry way. BECAUSE I KNOW THAT IT ALWAYS GETS BETTER.
I have the gift of knowing that this is just a fleeting stage. That one day she will be a somewhat prickly tween and all of this will be in my rearview mirror.
Gone will be the scent of baby shampoo in that sweet crease of her neck. Instead she’ll smell like Bath and Body works spray and shampoo that she chose and she’ll do her own hair and have a ton of friends and I’ll still see my baby in her face but she won’t need me like she needs me now. She won’t be yelling NO NO NO MAMA! at me…she’ll be asking for the zillionth time why she can’t have an iPhone and I’ll say I DON’T CARE WHAT ALL YOUR FRIENDS HAVE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD and I’ll be searching her eyes for that toddler.
So I hold her (if she lets me- she’s SO independent and squirmy). I burrow into her neck and hold her chubby hands.
I have lunch with her every day. I delight in every new word and new tooth and new benchmark.
I thank God for this unexpected gift. I thank God that her daddy has seen her for almost EVERY SINGLE WEEK of her nearly two years on this planet. And that he puts her to bed at night and changes her diapers and gets to hear her chirp HIIII DADDY!!! in her little lispy voice in the morning.
She is so treasured. Not only by her parents, but by her sisters. Who still fight every day over who gets to hold her and play with her. They do her hair and change her and laugh at everything she does and they yell MOMMY DID YOU SEE THAT? And we all clap and cheer for everything she does. Like it’s the first time we’ve ever seen it.
And if she gets to kindergarten and wonders why every single person in the room isn’t swooning over every single thing she does? I’m okay with that.
She’ll always have us.
She is our magic.
And don’t you dare try to side-eye me if she’s dressed in two different shoes, a tiara, and a Santa onesie and eating a giant cookie while standing on top of a giant slide all by herself. Yes. I know all of the other moms are right there. I know that I’m cheering from the bench. This ain’t my first rodeo. She’s got this.
#fifthbaby
xoxo
S
I’m so happy you are having this time with your sweet fifth baby and that your whole family is surrounding her with their love. Your insta story with her eating Nutella for the first time was so cute — those are pretty much the yum yum noises we’d all make if we were alone with the Nutella. ha, ha I had my one and only when I was 36 and she (now 13) rode her bike to school by herself today. We obviously want her to learn to be self-sufficient and independent, step-by-step, but it’s hard, because I definitely still see the baby in her face and in the dimples over her knuckles in her hands that haven’t disappeared yet. I am calling them “finder dimples”. #notdorkyatall
Absolutely love the hashtag! She is so blessed to be loved by you all.
Such a cute post! I wanted 5 kids but I could only talk my husband into 3. I still feel that 2 are missing. It’s funny how you compare the first to the fifth. My oldest (19 now and will be a college junior!) says that I let the youngest sister do things so much earlier than I let her! She says that the clothes I let my 14 yr. old wear was never allowed when she was that age. And the youngest has so much more freedom she complains! I tell her that her dad and I were both “oldest” kids, so we completely understand! haha! I love your blog!
Love this! I feel the same way about Waylon although he’s only our second lil treasure. I am so much more relaxed and enjoy all the stages. Ryan being home with this one too is such a blessing that I know he too cherishs. Love you and your beautiful family.
THAT made me misty! I can see how much you all treasure her and it is SO special. Love The Howell Fam! xo
Just loved reading this! As a Nana of 3 you make my heart remember my own two children! Enjoy every minute sweetie they grow so fast!!! Glad Cora has so much love in her life!!!❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Oh I love this!! Yes, to following your heart because we know our babies like no one else. I only have two but I was totally more relaxed as a parent the second time around. 🙂
Yes, yes yes!!!
It’s so much easier to enjoy the 5th (and 6th in my case) child. Even my forth was fun, but she didn’t come as a package of twins 😉
Enjoy it and give her sweet cheeks a kiss from me!
You write the most thought-provoking, loving, humorous and heart-warming stories and I love reading them!I’ve followed your blog from the US to Italy and back again, and all of those pictures and musings you’ve posted have been SO fun to see and read! I’m enjoying watching you and your family grow and I love how well you handle being the best mom you can be. Isn’t that really all that matters? I wish all of you nothing but the very best, and I agree – you should treasure every one of these moments because they’ll be gone all too soon! I just LOVE how you share lunch with your youngest ………that’s so precious!!!
Please tell your husband “thanks for serving!” He has to sacrifice and miss a lot when he’s not home.
Like Cora, I was a 5th child, and my mom told similar joyful stories. She also loved this little poem, which perhaps you’ve seen: http://holyjoe.org/poetry/hamilton.htm. My mom has been gone a year now, and my own children are rapidly moving towards young adulthood. It’s all good, at every stage; it’s all good. 🙂
Just love this.
I love this post! I love how you express the immense love you feel for your daughters, for all to see, for posterity and at some point they have this to look back on.
As we travel life’s road and become o-so-wiser, and simply enjoy and express our love to our children and our children’s children. My own mother now four years gone, never able to express this love one has for their children.
Four years ago, my own daughter gave birth to our 9th grandchild, her first. At 20 weeks gestation it was revealed that the baby had the birth defect spina bifida. She would be born with tons of health issues, most would be revealed every day of her life. We were paralyzed with fear, grief and tried our best to get to the due date. Through prayer and worry, she was born and each and every day we love her more and more and enjoy every stinkin word that comes out of her beautiful mouth. Think milestones on speed. Every single thing she does is like a miracle! All my children and grandchildren are so special in their own way and loved and enjoyed more for having been shown what a gift each and every one is. I didn’t mean to comment a book.
Sorry.
I’ve read and enjoyed your blog since Sadie was a baby…and love your family from afar. Wishing you many blessings my dear.
Oh how this post makes my heart ache! Mine are all grown (19 and a month shy of 22!0 Glad you are cherishing every moment, trusting in yourself and not letting the little stuff get you down. Those pictures are priceless!
Just amazing. I’ve only made it to 3 girls and were done 🙁 but all the things you said about enjoying and being a part of it instead of worrying, comparing, and stressing over everything are so true!! ❤️
These words are magic! I feel so much more comfortable in my parenting skin with our fourth. I always tell our oldest girl (now 15) that she is really a big science experiment and by the end of the line we have gotten things figured out. Ha.
I love this, and it’s SUCH a great reminder to take a minute to peek through the doors to my office at the two little boys snuggling with each other on the couch and just breathe in how lucky I am.
I really, really love this.
I loved your piece on Cora. I am a mother of four and just know where you are coming from. I have 11 years between my first and last and I know I was a totally different mother to my youngest. Enjoy every singl moment as in a blink they are suddenly teens off away on scout/cadet camps and all grown up. I have read your blog for many years and have I loved reading about your family. Only thing that makes me sad is I only have photos to remind me of my family but would so have loved a blog to look back on like you.
We made our third a shirt that said #thirdkid so that when she wandered off at Little League other parents would know why we weren’t chasing her down.