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Stephanie Howell

reading, organizing, shopping, momming too close to the sun. Home is wherever the Army sends us.

sometimes i can’t believe that they are MINE.

 

Pic7

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don’t get me wrong, sometimes i pretend they are NOT mine. like when we are at the store and the babies are screeching and trying to pull things off of the shelves, and sadie and harper are fighting about thestupidestthingever like…oh, i don’t know…WHO LOOKS MORE LIKE A DISNEY PRINCESS????

 

oh yes, at moments like that in the produce section at publix-i stare off into the distance and make a face like who ARE these children and who do they belong to?

 

or when we are home and they have annihilated the entire house? despite the fact that i worked on it for six hours that day? and the babies have gotten into an entire box of yogurt cheerios, dumped it over on the floor, and are shoveling handfuls in their mouths while yelling UH OHHHHHH. and i have ONLY gone to the restroom for 10 seconds and HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE???? AND WHY IS SADIE JUMPING IN THE CHEERIO PILE????

 

at moments like that i can’t believe they are mine. and i verrrrry slowly creep back into the bathroom, close the door with a quiet click, and scream ““who aaaaaaaaaaare these CHILDREN????”!

and while i’m in the bathroom i look in the mirror. i look at my frizzy hair and the circles under my eyes. and i think…what happened to the put together witty girl? the one that could make anyone laugh? the one that wore makeup and could talk about things other than her children? what happened to her? and IS THAT A CHEERIO IN MY HAIR? WHO ARE YOU?

 

 yes, there are plenty of moments like those. plenty of moments where i want to RESIGN from this job. i do NOT want to be the resident cook, booger wiper, diaper changer, tear dryer, fear slayer, toy picker upper, laundry and dish washer for ONE MORE MOMENT. no one ever notices the work i do, everyone only thinks about themselves,i never get taken care of,i am TIRED.

 

see that? that’s how i feel some days. yes, i just typed that out. yes, i just admitted that.

sorry…i ain’t perfect.

 

especially when jimmy has been gone for days and days and days…and when he IS here-he’s not really,you see. up before dawn and home after bedtime for the girls.

 

sometimes i think i can’t (WON’T?) take it for

 

one

more

moment.

 

and usually i have to pray. and sometimes i have to cry. and more than likely these moments involve a glass of wine.

 

and before i know it it’s better. and of course I DO IT. and i don’t QUIT. because that just isn’t an option is it?

 

 

and then there’s THESE moments…looking at these photos makes me feel like my heart is going to explode. looking at these photos fills me with awe that they belong to ME. us. how are we so blessed?

 

i love these girls so much. i love their tiny hands and feet, their crocodile tears. i love who they are becoming, the plans the Lord has for them.

 

i love their defiance (SADIE), their sensitivity (HARPER), their snuggliness (LUCY) and their independence (CATE).

 

i love them even when they have driven me to the brink of insanity. i love them even when they disappoint me. i love them every moment of every day…even in the absolute WORST moments.

even when i am thinking WHO ARE THESE MANIACS? i love them.

i mean, just look at them! thank you carrie for capturing them (and who they are ) so beautifully!

 

and so today begins. wishing YOUR day is full of happiness,hugs,and laughter. and if it’s more of a screaming,fighting,I’MLOSINGMYMINDDAY…think of me when you’re hiding in the bathroom, won’t you? we’ll share a virtual “cheers”.

xoxo

s

 

 

Comments

  1. Dear Steph,
    though I have only one daughter, since we’ve started kindergarten (in Hungary we have totally different system as you do) our life isn’t so easy anymore. And yes, very often I keep asking myself: have I really wanted this? Why is this girl doing this to me ? Have I really deserved this? And then I suddenly realise, that I love her soooo much I cannot tell ! So keep on smiling, and hiding into the bathroom whenever you feel the need to do so ! Hugs from Hungary (I’ve been following your blog for quite a long time now. Like it very much !)

  3. totally in love with that tutu pic!! hang in there kiddo. one day soon you’ll be in my shoes – clutching your phone, waiting for your “baby girl” to text you back b/c you’re missing her being in another country at university. 🙂

  4. OMG Steph! first off – gorgeous pics, second – thank you for putting into words EXACTLY how I feel! lol! I’m glad in the world of Blogland, when others make everything look perfect and it makes me feel like I’m failing, I come to your blog and its REAL! thank you for that!

  5. I love reading your blog, you are so real, true, and honest. Everytime I come and read your posts I feel like it was written to me…you so beautifully share the joys and the hardships of motherhood, you don’t try to hide or sugar coat it…I am so grateful for that…too often I see all these other moms who just seem to have it all together with their perfect little children, and it just makes me feel like a failure as a mother, then I read your posts, and I realize I am not alone, I am not a failure, my rambuncious(sp), messy, crazy, beautiful, sweet, little ladies and normal in the fact that the aren’t perfect, they are full of love and life, and everything they do they do it at 110%, even if its let see how quick we can make mama lose her mind today! lol. Thank you for you honestly and your obvious good heart, for opening up and sharing both the good times and the bad days with all of us.

  6. Stephanie! I only have one child, a son, but basically 2 boys. Ha! I know exactly how you feel and would share a virtual ‘cheers’ with you anytime. 🙂

  7. Great post! My husband has been traveling a lot for work lately and I just said to myself last night-if I clean this high chair tray one more time I am going to scream. Well- a new day has started and breakfast is over. What did I just do? Of course -I cleaned the tray and managed to get through it without shattering any windows 😉 Thanks for keeping it real.

  8. You’ve written what every mom feels but won’t necessarily admit. God bless you and your gorgeous family, and I’m with you on that glass of wine. Have you tried Apothic winemakers’ blend red yet? Soooo good. BTW–I can’t believe what a big girl Sadie looks like in that picture. Wow. Where does the time go?

  9. I loe the pictures. They are so so beautiful and Sadie looks so “grown up”. I only have one daughter (19month old) but I have to admit that there are moments were I also hiding in the bathroom and thinking “Who is this maniac” but I love her more then words could ever describe. So a virtual “cheers” from Germany.
    Kind regads
    Tascha

  10. wow, i am not a mom but it is so refreshing to see a blogger right about whats real and how motherhood isn’t all butterflies and smiles. thank you for being so honest …its a nice change from all the perfect pictures you see of their lives.
    love the studio pictures, you have the cutest girlies!

  12. the gut-wrenching truth…love it. Your post made my day. Hope yours is AMAZING with no hiding in the bathroom.

  13. I needed this post today! I’ve been married for a little over four months and the past couple weeks have been really hard. It’s good to know I’m not the only one who goes back to the bathroom and screams. Thank you for your honesty, and for the reminder that there is some sunshine on the other side of the clouds.

  15. oh my. i remember when sadie was BORN. how can she be so grown up and beautiful!? Have i really been following your blog for this long? stephanie, you are by far, the most perfect mother in the whole world–blank grocery store stares and all.

  16. I know exactly how you feel but I only have a 3 year old and a 2 year old. I am pg with my 3rd now and I have been in the store and asked my 3yo who she was and why is she calling me mommie (in which I just get a blank stare) or the times when she says sissy said she doesn’t love me. (Sissy is delayed in her speech so she says no to almost everything except food) but with all of that being said I would not trade it for the world.
    Jennifer
    scrapbooking.mommieof2@gmail.com

  18. Your girls are gorgeous and so precious. I also want to thank you for summing up parenthood for me. I always think I’m the only crazy one that just can’t go on for one more moment some days. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone. Thank you for being so candid!!
    Praying for all of us mommies!

  19. Thanks for the honest blog and for saying things all mothers feel at one time or another ,but are afraid to admit outloud! I remember those kinds of days well and,believe it or not, sometimes I wish I had them back.

  20. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your blog, Stephanie, because you are SO REAL! And hilarious. And I can always picture exactly the way you describe things. I am not a mother, but your posts keep me in stitches, because I can just imagine how full your hands are, but what a blessing it is as well. Bottom line is…you’re only human! Hoping your day is full of smiles and laughter, and pretty little princesses, lol.

  21. lovely pictures of girls!
    The girls will always your babies!!
    Take a deep breathe.. be okay!

  24. I was having that exact same thought pattern the other day. it’s good to know, even though i really didn’t think i was alone in my feelings, that you are out there thinking the exact same thing. cheers to you…..

  25. oh, I can SO relate (says the one who just finished vacuuming up the breakfast bar that was crumbled up and ground into the carpet in the living room by an almost two year old boy.) thanks-I needed this! 🙂

  26. No, we can’t quit…no options…but right about this point in time I did become very depressed…knowing that no one was even thinking about me..no one. Of course, I look back on that time, now that I’m not depressed, and realize there are professionals that would have helped..just for awhile…just to keep me sane. And ya, I did regret some things I did due to the depression, but it never occurred to me to find some help. Silly me. I mean I was keeping my faith, and going to church. But I was tired all.the.time. And really not thinking straight. I should have had someone outside the family help me think straight. Surviving was really all I was doing…I just didn’t realize it at the time.

  28. Oh my goodness your daughters are each so lovely and beautiful! You’re in for it 🙂 It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who goes a wee bit crazy almost every day – from most of the mommy’s blogs I read you wouldn’t know, you know? And then I think about the baby that’s coming in July and I start to freak out – what I am getting myself into, I can barely manage one!! So thanks for being so honest and putting this out there, it’s comforting!!

  29. oh boy did I need this post!! I have been feeling super mommy burnout lately, wife burnout too!! I feel like I do SO MUCH for everyone in this family and no one does anything for me, no thank you’s, nothing…they just continue to make mess after mess, fight, expect to be driven everywhere…teens…my new name should be adolecent transportation engineer…lol…but then there are the moments when my 4 year old will ask me for a long hug and grab my face and kiss me right on the mouth and say “love you mommy to the moon and back” and there’s my thank you, that’s all I need to realize I have the most important job and I can’t give up yet…thanks Steph for putting that out there, as Oprah once said, “being a mother is the single most hardest job on earth” she’s right, but it’s my job and I do love it.

  30. I think this is one of your best posts, EVER!!! And you are the greatest mum, even when you’re hiding out in the bathroom. 😉

  32. In truth, you love them because of these Cheerios on the floor, piercing screams, and crocodile tear filled moments. You love them because they are so full of life, that their moments of pushing limits is when you realize the full extent of your love for them. Even more amazing is your love is so strong at all times that they will never doubt how much you love them.
    They are a combination of the heart and soul of two incredible people who decided to love one another and have a family, a beautiful, crazy, fill each moment to the brim, make the world a better place just by being in it family.
    And, btw, I heard somewhere that yogurt covered Cheerios are the perfect compliment to glass of Cupcake wine. ;P

  33. i will for sure think of this… most likely this week as my husband leaves oregon for georgia yet again this month.. leaving me with 4 kids.. 7th grade advanced math all the way down to a 14mo old who has learned to run away with ‘no no things’ … i will just head to the bathroom and either cry or laugh at the thought of this post… thank you stephanie..

  34. Beautiful pictures and post. I don’t have kids but I always admire the way you handle yourself!! It’s so important to be real and honest. Your adorable girls will appreciate looking back at all of your writing someday and understanding how you felt in your best and worst moments… that you are human and it’s okay!!! 🙂

  35. Oh, this post is so REAL and HONEST, and I LOVE IT. It is very timely too because just a few days ago, I did the same “rant” you did in this post, but not on a blog, to my husband. EEEK! Yep, I broke down. But what you said in this post was exactly, almost verbatim, to what I said. I am so much better now, I got it ALL out and all is good. Well, the house is still messy, but, SO WHAT? For the past few days after that venting, the house is only semi-clean, I did not make any home-cooked meals, my daughter was a little late for school, but SO WHAT? I know in a few days, I will be back to what I was doing before but at least for a few days I can be the NOT-SUPERWOMAN mom/wife. And it is okay. Hang in there, I know I am.

  37. steph, these photos are GORGEOUS!
    your girls are AMAZING. I had that kind of day yesterday actually, where I just didn’t want to do ONE MORE thing for anyone, no dishes, no cooking, NOTHING. I just wanted to be left alone….ugh.
    we all have those days, I usually just go up to my bed and read for 15 minutes, but my girls are OLDER, so I totally can understand the bathroom w/ a glass of wine. I would totally do that….LOVE that you are so REAL!
    tara

  38. I am raising a glass of wine to you and this post! Those pictures are amazing, such beautiful girls. X

  39. Listen….I just took 3 kids to the doc because child #1 has chicken pox. Child #3 was gleefully riding the doctor’s rolling stool around the room and fell off the gyn table…twice. The baby took her shoes and socks off, pressed the intercom button (twice) and nearly pulled the curtain down.
    I’m in the bathroom drinking RIGHT NOW.
    and hey, if you feel bad…go read these hilarious stories about motherhood…i felt great after reading some of these whoppers!
    http://mylifeandkids.com/
    here’s wishing you a good day and lots of hilarious memories!!

  40. OMG – the Cheerios scenario had me in tears! We all have those days don’t we? I have to LOCK my bathroom door because the second I get in there, I hear, “Mom? Mom? MOOOOOOM? Where are yooooooou?” Oh yes, I feel you!

  41. I can totally relate…thank you for being real. That’s why we love you! I am going to think of you the next time i run to the bathroom.

  42. Amen! You have so eloquently described the feelings I (and I think most mamas) have when the kiddos are at this stage – mine are 4.5 and 2. Such a roller coaster isn’t it? Your girls are gorgeous!

  43. I’ve read your blog for quite awhile and always enjoyed it; however, in the past 5 months since I’ve become a mother, I now UNDERSTAND it, lol. Since I’ve had my son, all I’ve heard from other moms is how amazing and perfect everything is – and while it is amazing and I love him more than life, I definitely have my “hide in the bathroom” days – thanks for sharing how you’re really feeling, even when it’s crummy. You make the rest of us feel like we’ll be ok, too 🙂

  45. I’m at work in my cubicle and just laughed out loud at your “sometimes I pretend they’re not mine.” You haven’t lost a bit of that wit, even though you’re not kidding!!

  46. I wish there had been blogs when my kids were little. I’m pretty sure that I would have posted something like what you posted. Now my babies are 27 and 25 and I wonder how the time passed sooooooo quickly. I would say I wish they were still driving me crazy, BUT I’m learning to cherish every season in my life. Even this quiet time before grandbabies. Trying not to hurry life along. Enjoy…every crazy day.

  47. After having one of “those ” days, I soooooooo needed this post. Thanks for sharing and being so honest. You’re the best. And now I feel better!

  48. so remember that with the cheerios except in our house that day it was Coco Pops! I had one of those days yesterday waiting to pick up my eldest from her new school and my youngest is picking up stones and throwing them, jumping in the drain, trying to push me in the garden and splashing in the puddles! She was talking loudly and no she’s not a toddler – she’s 9!Sometimes she’s just like a 2 year old though with all her sensory issues and her ASD. Sometimes I just want to get off the ride too but at the end of the day she brings so much joy and love to our lives.
    Those photos of your girls are just gorgeous – WOW!!!
    “Cheers!”

  49. Do you know who are, Stephanie? You are a wonderfully honest, loving, creative, funny, beautiful and capable young woman. And probably much more. You will always live to fight another day for & with your gorgeous family.
    PS your photos are adorable.X

  51. TFS these lovely photos of your girls!
    Thanks for explaining to me why my own mother used to hide in the bathroom from her four children (in less than five years, but no twins)! You are focusing on all the right things with your girls. They will remember and they will appreciate everything when they are older. You will just have to wait two or three decades, that’s all! 😉

  52. I know how you feel. Like, everyday. When people give me weird looks b/c of how messy my kids are I just look back at them like, I know, where is the mother?!
    very cute photos.
    Side note, I think I have the same headband as Harper.

  53. I love your honesty. Seriously, your blog post was so what I needed. This week has been CRAZY so far and I have had some thoughts that I felt bad about. Well, not so much now because I know I am not the only one. Thank you.

  54. yes! cheers right back to you, lady!! 🙂
    confession, i have mopped myself into a corner on the other side of the house on purpose, just to catch a break from my kiddos. haha
    they make my brain mush, but also my heart <3
    remember: you are awesome! mean it!!

  55. Every mommma has those days…and if she doesn’t ….well, she’s lying….:0
    The photos are lovely! (So glad their were accessories!)

  56. These photos are lovely! Love your heart felt post. You are not alone in these feelings you blog about…you are just blessed to be able to eloquently write them out! I feel the same in so many ways.

  57. I appreciate your honesty and candor…all moms have been there, at one time or another ( even if they won’t admit it.) It is always a struggle to find balance-you do need me time, but with a military husband I know that is difficult to come by. Maybe you could get in a babysitting co-op and swap with someone once in a while (someone that doesn’t have a lot of young children, but loves to help with babies would be ideal, girl 6-9 or so, and usually older and FABULOUS help with babies and toddlers for a few hours.) It might even be easier for you just having other kids over, yes you have to cook more, but you are already cooking for 4 kids, so what is a few more. Good luck and hang in there. I have friends with many, many children and they always say it is easier with more kids (and I’m talking like over 10…kind of crazy, but lots of fun, and they swear that it is waaaay easier with that many. lol.

  58. I thought I had it rough with one 8yr old(two-if you count the dog & I do count her), one 14yr old(just wait for the teen yrs), and one husband(they spill cheerois & play in them too)…I will now think of what you might be going through, yikes! I feel bad for complaining about my life.

  59. Thank you for this post. I cannot tell you how much I needed to be reminded today that I am not alone:)

  60. I am a SAHM to 4 boys. They are 6 years apart. Although they are now all in school, I can still relate to everything you are feeling!! Some days/moments are just tougher or frustrating or just plain exhausting!!!!!! All I can say is to continue to find the little things that make you smile and also help you realize how awesome things are!! You do a good job of that! 🙂 I cannot believe how fast the time goes… I was once feeling exactly how you described and now I am holding on with both hands trying to slow time down!!! 🙂 They grow up so fast! Enjoy your girls and keep taking pictures, you will cherish your scrapbooks and memories forever!!!!!!! Thanks for your honesty.

  61. I was having one of those mornings today! I dropped my kids off to school and just wanted to come home and have a little cry. Thanks for reminding me I’m not alone. (But you are right–they are SO totally worth it!)

  62. Love the photos! I love to watch them sleep….reminds me everyday the joy God has given me with my 2 girls….
    I have the same feelings and appreciate that someone is willing to say them outloud….we all do! Thank you for sharing!

  63. I know I don’t really ‘know’ you but I think I have grown to know you so much in the last year or so (or is it longer??) of following your blog. I loved this post and tho I rarely comment (I am a loyal reader but rare poster) today I just wanted to say a huge big thank you for always being honest and true! xxx

  65. Thank you for this post! I am also a mother of 4 girls (6,4,2,4mo) and I echo everything you expressed! It’s a sacred and tiring work we have as mothers but it’s all so worth it. So, thank you again for expressing in such appropriate and touching words a glimpse into being a mom is like. 🙂

  67. Loved this post! So funny and so true. You put it perfectly the way so many moms feel sometimes including myself. Loved the pics, too!

  68. OMG, I am dying thinking about your shopping trips. They sound like mine (minus the babies). We’ve all just got to hang in there, sister.

  69. I have four girls too (I just took 8 years to space mine out. . .). I have totally felt like you’ve described here. I love the way you write. Makes me feel like I’m there. I totally remember the toddler years. They last forever. And they’re gone in a flash.
    Too true.

  70. THANK YOU!! I needed that. Mine are 10 (just got suspended from school), 7 (defiant beyond words), and 3 months (my cuddler). I just lost my Mom and they are all dealing with it in their own way, but yes there are moments when I think WHO ARE THESE KIDS? I love reading your blog and seeing your girls grow. It makes me feel better that I’m not the only booger wiper, dinner maker, laundry mat out there. I love my life, but boy does it stress me out sometimes. Hope you are the family are well and Cheers!

  71. Love it!!!! I only have one sweet pea, work outside the home 4 days a week & still have I want to hide in the closet moments!!!!

  72. i thought I was the only one who took refuge in the bathroom 🙂
    unfortunately there is no lock on the door because somehow they kept locking it from the inside and closing it!!!!

  73. You said it exactly(going back in time–and I realize that I totally have been neglectful, sorry) anyways, I guess there are others out there that feel like I do at times..is this what I want? etc etc..But then there are the moments more often than not, that make your heart melt, and I’m so thankful that God gave me these children to raise and I get to STAY HOME with them!

  74. chuckling….I so remember those moments. I am watching my own daughter have those moments with her 3 under 5 year-old darlings. Sometimes, I wish I could press that magic remote button and go back to those days…..
    ..and then my sanity returns 🙂
    The photos are breathtaking though. She has captured each girl’s essence. No wonder your heart explodes…how it could it hold all that pride and joy!!