a year ago:
yesterday i was sitting in bed and thinking about one year ago.
one year ago i was sitting in the same bed and i was reallllly pregnant.
10 months (and some change) ago jimmy and i headed to my OB appointment wondering if i was in labor.
and i don’t know how it has been a year. i don’t know where the time went.
so many times in my life i’ve said “it seems like only yesterday…” but in reality it really didn’t. it seemed vague, distant…a memory.
but i don’t understand where the past year has gone.
it slipped through my fingers.
wasn’t i just wondering like what it was going to be like to have four children?
wasn’t i just wondering if i could do it?
wasn’t i just pregnant with my beautiful girls?
it seems like only yesterday.
i really mean it this time. i’m not just saying it.
it terrifies me. i don’t want this beautiful, precious time in my life to be a blur. i want to savor and taste
every
single
beautiful and horrible and exhausting and precious and wonderful and confusing
moment of it.
but it’s like no matter how hard i concentrate, no matter how much i hold onto it, no matter how present i am…
it’s slipping through my fingers.
they don’t have the same smell. they aren’t pronouncing words the same way. they need me less.
they are so beautiful. and funny. and i am so in love with all of them.
and ohhhhh are they frustrating. they fight like cats and dogs. even the babies!! they whine. they scream. and the tears…
oh the tears.
but oh how i love them.
and i know that what the future holds will be fun and special. in a different way. but wonderful. i know i will love seeing them grow.
but this precious, unique time in my life…
it’s slipping through my fingers.
it’s like i get so caught up in the everyday diaper changing and snot wiping and homework helping and carpooling and meal making and dish washing and clothes folding and vacuuming and lunch making…
and
i miss it. it slips through my fingers.
dear Lord. help me to hold them more and scold them less. help me to take time to be present. to play. to worry less, try to do less, try to BE in these moments.
help me remember.
help me let them grow. let them shine.
help me remember.