first, this was “us”. two. fun. late nights, trips, dancing, eating out a lot, wrapped up in eachother and only eachother. kind of self- centered. messy. sleeping late, spending instead of saving, not a care in the world.
then, we became three. oh, was life different. we were TIRED! and confused. what in the world were we doing? why is the baby crying? what are we doing wrong? happy. hearts more full of love than we ever imagined. did i mention tired? content. doubting our parenting choices, but learning no one knows what to do and that you do what is best for your family.
we did well as three. thought we were good being three for quite a while. but the Lord had other plans.
plans with wild hair, a cleft in her chin, and a killer cry. plans that we never could have imagined. we became four. talk about having NO idea what we’d gotten into.
delirium. the worlds longest marathon nursing sessions (5-10 every night. me crying in the armchair with the boppy and a jug of water, sadie cluster feeding her little heart out). realizing we COULD love two. equally. but in different ways. so much that it hurt.
so much that it made us feel even MORE vulnerable. scared. but oh so very happy.
we knew we weren’t complete as a family yet. but WHEN would we be ready? ever? are you ever ready to have another? i already had guilt and worries that i wasn’t ENOUGH for them.
but the Lord, again, had plans.
we prayed. we asked for guidance. and we trusted. soon, we found out we would be five.
but we couldn’t have known (actually at the moment of this photo, we had no idea) that we were actually going to be six.
i call these moments the “gentle reminders”. the ones where God nudges you on the shoulder and says “you are not in charge”. “i have bigger plans for you”.
and oh, was this ever one of those moments.
i think about it lots lately.
when i am shampooing two pretty heads in the tub. when i am getting two grumpy girls ready for school. when i am trying to appease two maniacs on a road trip.
when jimmy comes home from a long trip, and two whirling dervishes fling themselves at him and he throws them both high in the air and loves on them.
i think…
four?
four girls? four wild heads of hair? four “MAMA LOOK”s??? eight hands needing to be held? four mouths needing to be wiped? eight feet needing shoes to put on them?
four hearts needing to be filled with the love, rapt attention, guidance they deserve?
four souls needing to hear “I SEE, SWEETIE! and that is AMAZING! GOOD JOB!!!” every time they ask me to look?
how?
how?
can i do this? can we do this? will we still have time for eachother? how tired will we be??
and then i hear this.
” you are not in charge. i have plans for you. bigger plans than you can imagine”.
and i’m still.
and i trust. and i smile.
He whispers peace to my heart.
and it is well, it is well with my soul.
we are meant to be six.
And people may say “oh, your hands are FULL!”
but i’ll say (just like a friend told me to say)
“oh, you should see my heart“.