Stephanie Howell

today’s post has been rolling around in my heart and my head for a while now. reading ali’s wonderful post yesterday made me want to get these thoughts down. i’m not quite sure how to explain it properly, so please forgive me if today’s post is rambly and random.

scrapbooking has been both a blessing and a curse.

a blessing because it has giving me the gift of creating. of the happiness and release that comes with making something with my own two hands. in a way it has been a therapy for me.

through 7 of the 8 deployments our family has endured,scrapbooking has kept me sane. given me much needed “me time”.

the curse? that i now have memory keeper’s guilt.

it’s that moment when you realize you can not possibly document everything you want to remember.

it’s the way sadie says certain words incorrectly. the way that cate’s lock of hair falls in her face. the inside jokes i have with jimmy right now. our favorite meals. the way harper poses for photos. the way the babies dance,the way their little voices sound,the way they feel in my arms.

i want to remember the complexities of my relationships with my girls. the frustration combined with the moments that take my breath away (because i love them so much it hurts).

the way that my babies always smell like baby shampoo with a slight undercurrent of graham crackers (even though they don’t eat graham crackers).

i want to remember the way jimmy’s hand feels in mine, the way he looks at me,the way he smells and how safe he makes me feel.

how frustrated i get with him about the same silly things. and how i regret it instantly and put my head on his shoulder (because it’s hard for me to say i’m sorry).

i want to remember always moments like this:

each today is unique. my children will never be this exact age again. they will never sound and look the same. and it’s constantly changing. each day is a whirling dervish of lasts and firsts and everyday beautiful moments and silly frustrations and not so silly frustrations.

i simply can’t remember it all.

that’s human nature. i get that. but it doesn’t mean i don’t feel sad about it.

each day,each month,each year there will be things i want desperately to remember.

scrapbooking made me see in a way i’d never seen before. it made me hear in a new way. taste life in a new way.

but it also makes me sad and slightly panicky for all of the things i won’t remember.

you live,you savor,you experience every moment.if you get caught up in documenting too much of it…you miss living it.

so i am continuing to search for the right balance. i am starting to accept that i won’t remember it all,as much as i wish i could.

i am grateful for this blog,for social media.for my outlets that can capture the little things that will be forgotten quickly.

the little things will slip my mind.

but they all add up to make one big thing. i will always remember the thread of love,respect,and hilarity that ran through our lives.

that much i know.

life is a great big jumble of everyday moments. ordinary miracles. i sure wish i could grasp every single one and hold them close to my heart forever. does that make sense?

i can’t promise you that i’ll ever let go of my memory keeper’s guilt. it’s in my nature to think that way.

but remember i said it’s a blessing and a curse? the blessing part trumps the curse part. big time. every time.

happy friday y’all.

xoxo

no one cries over spilled milk in our house.

they spill it, make a guilty face, strategically place one lock of hair over their forehead for maximum cuteness,and flip us the bird.

okay, she’s not really flipping the bird, but it’s still funny.

happy wednesday!

p.s. that’s cate. 🙂

p.p.s. make sure you come back tomorrow, i’m hosting an awesome giveaway from stuck on you!