Stephanie Howell

** i’m adding a tear alert right now, some of you have jokingly asked for them, so here you go! i’m going to scare you all away, i swear. teehee. **

not many words needed here.

today i received a few more  photos and thought i’d share.

I’m pretty down today.

three years ago on  mother’s day, i was just learning what it meant to be a mama.

i had fallen in love with a little girl with jet black tufts of hair and big brown eyes, 

just like her daddy’s.

i had forgotten already what it was like to sleep,

and what life was like before she came along.

i was also going a little bit nuts.

i felt overwhelmed and scared,

and so responsible for that precious little girl.

my husband worked all the time,

but he was home,

and we had some wonderful time together.

i learned that sometimes it’s OKAY to hand the baby over to daddy,

and go walk around target for 5 minutes to clear your head,

even if you are feeling guilty that entire five minutes and wondering

if daddy has dropped the baby yet.

but oh, was my heart full.

i learned that there is no possible way that you can do EVERYTHING “they” tell you to do.

that just because you don’t breast feed until they are one,

just because you don’t cook everything from scratch, all organic.

just because you let them watch barney every once in a while,

you do NOT need to feel guilty.

they.will.be.just. fine.

and i learned how to take time for myself.

a bath and a glass of wine,

a trip to the scrapbooking store,

time to create…

and i learned to fall in love with jimmy all over again

as i watched him be a daddy to harper.

i thought i had this mommy thing down.

i was chief boo boo kisser and rocker,

queen of the nursery rhyme,

the snuggle,

the tear-wiper extraordinaire,

and the best mommy i knew how to be.

but i wasn’t taking care of myself. 

i was dressing sloppily,

i had gained so much weight,

i didn’t feel good about myself.

so i’d had enough.

i marched to gold’s gym and got a personal trainer.

i stopped at HEB on the way home and bought all healthy food.

i was determined.

i was going to take care of MYSELF too.

almost as an afterthought, i picked up a pregnancy test,

i’d been feeling odd lately.

SURPRISE!!

i remember sitting on the toilet with my head between my knees, crying.

thinking so selfishly.

but i was going to lose weight.

but i am scared.

but i don’t know how to do this.

but i know jimmy is leaving in 2008.

i don’t think i can do  this.

i don’t know if i want to do this.

but she grew.

even though i didn’t know she was a she.

and she made me fall in love with her.

and i started to realize that maybe i could do this.

but i felt bad.

i felt like it wasn’t fair to harper.

unsure.

guilty.

that song that plays on repeat for all mommies, no?

i loved on that baby girl so much.

i held her and sang special songs to her.

i had her lay by me as i was sick as a dog with morning sickness.

jimmy was gone the last trimester of my pregnancy

and we had breakfast together every week at IHOP.

we held hands and acted out plays

and took baths together.

it was a a special time for sure.

a gift from God.

i went into labor with S when jimmy was gone.

he didn’t make it home in time.

but in that hospital room, i fell in love with my baby.

it was a girl and she was something else, all right.

full head of hair, wobbling bottom lip and tears from the get go.

a tiny, heart-breaking cry that broke my heart

(she still cries that way, by the way…as if it’s personal, as if you have really hurt her feelings).

and when i held her i fell in love, head over heels, for the third time in my life.

and i felt ashamed for not being sure that i could love her the way i loved harper.

but oh, how i did.

the first five months of sadie’s life,

i learned how to cope.

how it was okay to sit in the chair with her for five hours at night while she cluster-fed,

and let daddy do some of the work.

i forgot how tired you get,

how you lose your hair,

your mind,

your confidence,

but it was a much easier transition this time.

and then he left.

sadie was 5 months old,

harper was 2,

i was scared.

but i would look at their sweet faces every morning, 

and i knew i HAD to do this,

that i would.

with the help of God and my family and my faith,

i’d do it.

and so we played, and had picnics, and baths, and walks,

and shopping,

and driving (sometimes with nowhere in mind, but it always quieted them down and gave me time to pray).

and somewhere along the way,

i stopped holding my breath

and started breathing.

and enjoying this crazy thing called motherhood.

and sadie the maniac brought a whole new level to being a mama.

she climbed, grabbed, caused calls to poison control,

snatched, fell, broke,

and won us over.

and i love my life.

and my girls. and even if i feel overwhelmed,

and stressed, and scared, and burdened, and even sometimes resentful (yes, it’s true. sometimes i do. for about a split second, and then i get over it).

i am BLESSED beyond measure.

by the love of two little girls that have changed me to my core.

being a mother is who i want to be. i want to shape their lives.

to teach them to respect themselves. to be kind.

to have faith.

to be gentle.

and above all, that happiness is your responsibility.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

happy happy mother’s day,

my friends.

celebrate surviving another year,

but mostly for being a mommy.

it’s a gift.

xo

her birthday was the happiest.