harper's very first school picture. i notice two things when i look at this photo. how grown up she looks and how HAPPY she looks.
it's complicated, this mother/daughter dance.
i expect so much out of her,yet i don't want to project my expectations onto her or crush her with the weight of them.
she frustrates me so much because she is exactly like me.
all of the things i don't have patience for in myself, i don't have patience for in her.
the fact that she is high strung.
the fact that she worries too much about what other's think.
the fact that she wants to please others so very much.
she's very self aware…
the fact that she never ever stops talking and that all of her life is one
long
run-on
sentence.
the way she always wants to help SO much but sometimes just gets in the way…
she is me.
i have so many hopes and dreams for her. she will soar,this one. she's smart and observant, kind and generous. she's beautiful with a beautiful heart.
i feel so much pressure to teach her to respect herself,and to respect others and their feelings/wishes… but never to be a doormat.
these days are a bit rough. she's prone to dramatic fits of wailing, inconsolable crying.
because she's still so LITTLE but yet she seems so capable.
it's complicated.
i love her so much it physically makes my heart hurt. but she drives me nuts at the same time.
i have to be sure to always praise her, but not over praise her.
i make mistakes. i lose my patience with her. i snap. i coddle her. i have no patience, i have too much patience. i ignore her when there's really something wrong and indulge her when nothing is wrong.
it's complicated.
this girl made me a mother. we are learning together, feeling this thing out together.
but there's this.
at her kindergarten parent/teacher conference her teacher told me she is so smart and well behaved (except for a bit of talking out-again she gets that from me)…but above all she is KIND. she plays with everyone, befriends everyone, encourages everyone.
and also, there is this.
when she got out of the car today, she walked/pranced up the school sidewalk with a bounce in her step. i held up the carpool line for a minute…just watching her and rejoicing in the gift of her.
suddenly she turned, ran back to the car and motioned for me to roll the window down.
she yelled "I love you mama and i'm so proud of you!!!"
and my heart was calm in the knowledge that the two of us are doing just fine.
we are navigating this complicated, blind route just fine. and all the good times, good parts…well,they more than make up for the hard parts.
xxo
