how does it feel to love him? yeah…that's a tricky one.
complicated.
you see,it feels like my safe place. you know when a storm is raging outside? thunder and lighting and torrential downpours? and you are inside under a down quilt with your favorite book?
that's how it feels to love him.
but it's also terrifying and uncertain. it's not constant. it's not usual. it's anything but usual.
how does it feel to love him?
it feels natural. like i was born to do it. born to be his wife. to hold his hand, to bear his children and his last name.
it feels prickly. uneasy. like an ill-fitting coat i can't wait to shed. the being apart. the fear. it feels uneasy.
how does it feel to love him?
like i'm the luckiest girl in the world.
some days it feels like i don't know if i can do it. i worry. i fret. i miss him terribly.
when i am getting ready for him to go it is excruciating. it's the worst part. i say terrible things, act grumpy, get mad for NO conceivable reason. it's a defense mechanism, you see. it's what i do. i see it coming and i despise it…but i do it regardless. seven deployments,coming up on eight, and i STILL do it.
how does it feel to love him?
it feels like a gift.
like a precious gift. one that isn't guaranteed to last forever.but what is? all i can do is cherish it. cherish our time and love him with every fibre of my being.
how does it feel to love him?
like a privelege.
an honor.
and for him to love me in return? makes this life worth living. it makes this life beautiful. he has giving me this life i never thought i would lead. but oh how i love it.
that's the way i choose to look at it. the way i chooose to interpret it.
right now i'm in a weird place. teetering on the edge of "can i do this?" and "i am GOING to do this". dealing with a lot of emotions. writing these words is like a salve to my heart and my fears.
i am his and he is mine. and it is a gift.
xoxo
s
