Stephanie Howell

How about some stinkeye to start your weekend off right?

HAHAHAHHA!

Thank you so much to all of you for undertstanding my last post and where I was coming from.

I'm certainly not going anwywhere…I'll continue to blog about life and share funny stories. And hopefully MANY more layouts soon.

I will continue having a blast working over at the MME blog, where I can share beautiful layouts,cards,and projects by some of the best designers around. I'm much happier sharing  other's inspiration as opposed to feeling pressure to regularly create it myself. I'm finding great fulfillment through that.

I'm right where I want and need to be.

xoxo

S

i am putting this page up because i remember having fun when i made it. i remember not worrying about what i was doing,what design principles i was following,what trends i was incorporating.

Why don't I scrapbook anymore? Why don't I ever make time to be creative anymore (except for the Studio Calico assignments I owe each month)?

What happened? And what can I do to fix it? Because I don't want to stop.

A lot of things happened.

1.I had too much stuff.

I kept buying. I kept saying yes when people wanted to send me things. I kept ordering and keeping up with the latest and greatest.

And I drowned in it.

I had too much. So I purged. I donated. I did giveaways. I gave two boxes to our babysitter. I stopped buying, I stopped saying yes.

2.I got caught up in the mob mentality.

"Everyone" has a silhouette. Everyone was misting. And splattering ink. And sewing. And stamping and layering and and and…

And while it is a lovely look (one I wish I could pull off)…I cannot pull it off. And it is not "me".

I thought it had to be me. So I tried it. I misted. I layered bits and pieces. I spent hours on layouts.

And it wasn't fun for me. It didn't feel authentic. And the end result wasn't meaningful to me.

I got tired of feeling like I had to constantly link and tweet and show pictures of what I was working on.No one said I had to…but it's easy to get sucked into it. Most days I don't even have time to go in my scrap room. At.All.

I wish I could have a new project to share every day. But that is not going to happen anytime soon. And social media has a way of making you feel inferior. If you let it.

3.I got stressed out

I don't think I really have to explain this one. For some reason I never really got my feet under me this deployment. Creativity was the last thing I had time for. I quit project life,didn't really set foot in my scrap room,I started my new job…which I LOVE by the way. But a lot of things happened that took the place of creativity.

4.I realized that I'm probably not the best fit for design teams

I don't make complicated pages. I don't dabble in techniques or do anything that would sell classes or product. I found a job where I could pour my creative focus without being looked at for layout inspiration.

I realized that making heartfelt,meaningful pages the way I do was NOT the best fit for pushing or selling product. I never figured out a way to do that in an authentic way and I got tired of trying. Simply put…some can make the two mesh in an honest way. I cannot.

I finally learned that I shine through blogging. Through sharing my heart (and sometimes sharing my heart in layouts)…but I am not a competitive designer.I am not great at selling product.

I don't want to have to worry about if I'm good enough. I want to be me and feel 100 percent at home doing what I'm doing. That's why the MME job and moving my focus elsewhere is a great fit for me.

I still intend to share companies and products I love now and then. That's part of the joy of this for me…sharing things and people I truly believe in!

**I need to come back here and clarifying that I am not trying to bite the AMAZING hands that fed me. There used to be a time that perhaps I was better at being a design team member. It has been a joy and privilege to work for companies,teams,and women I believe in. There is no doubt that those days brought me many gifts and amazing opportunities. I just feel that I am not a good fit for design teams anymore. There are many people who ARE and who do it well.**

So what has to change?

I had to let a lot of stuff go. I had to let it go that I wasn't doing what everyone else was doing. I had to accept that there will always be competition and that I don't do well with it. I had to realize that my pages need to be "me" for me to enjoy the process and the end result.

I need to re-discover why I fell in love with scrapbooking in the first place.

When in the world did scrapbooking become about "keeping up" to me. That is the stupidest choice I've ever made. Scrapbooking is whatever you want it to be. But to me? It was about my heart. It was about putting a piece of my heart down on paper.

And I lost that.

It's time to get that back. 2012/2013 will be the year I reclaim that. A year of not worrying about J leaving, a year of no fear, a year of togetherness…this seems like the perfect year for finding the joy again.

I regret that I let all the junk suck me dry creatively.

And it's high time I change that.

Wish me luck!!! 🙂

xoxo

S

To my sweet daughters…I love being your mother. I love every beautiful,sweet,infuriating,and exhausting moment. I love it even when I hate it.

I love the chaos,the volume,the agonizing repetitiveness. I love your four beautiful faces,your eight heart-stopping eyes,your eight soft hands,your forty sticky fingers and your forty sweet toes.

Harper I am so proud of you. You have gotten so good at reading and writing. You sing and talk all day long. You tattle too much,you worry too much,you narrate our lives.

You are beautiful. You have dark skin and dark eyes and your heart is full of light. You are very particular. You like things just so.

Your imagination is boundless. You are so very creative and imaginative. You have the best memory and the most discerning eye for detail of any child I’ve ever known.

You are changing right before my eyes. Gone are the chubby cheeks and the belly. Instead there are coltish legs and soon-to-be-lost teeth.

You are kind. And a wonderful big sister. I don’t know what I would do without your help.

You are dramatic. Everything is a HUGE deal. You live full force,full strength,full fledged.

Sadie I am so proud of you. You are such a joy to me. Mischevious,sly,constantly perturbed,always observing.

You don’t let much get to you. You just don’t care about the things that don’t matter. When you cry, I know something must really be wrong because you just don’t cry.

You think you are big enough to not need a nap but you are wrong. When you are tired you get prickly and a little bit mean. I can read your emotions on your face so easily when you are tired…when you are worn out you don’t hold your cards quite so close to your chest.

You love your sisters so much,but you also love doing things to get them worked up. You know all the right buttons to push.

You remind me of your daddy in so many ways. No fear,not very emotional, but the biggest cuddler in the world. The first to tell me you love me.

You are so beatiful. Dirty blonde hair,cleft in your chin,fair skinned.

Lucy girl you fill this house with squeals, with laughter,and with kisses. You find so much pleasure in everything. You run everywhere,laughter trailing behind you.

You moan when you eat because you love food so much. You jump, clap,talk jibber jabber constantly. You look like a doll.

Everyone falls in love with your gummy/toothy smile,your chubby thighs,and your ponytail.

You are constantly finding and hiding away crayons. Then when no one is looking you unearth the crayons and decorate every possible surface. You find this to be the funniest thing in the world.

You LOVE your binkie,bananas,strawberries,and waffles. You are four pounds heavier than your sister. You are the love of our lives.

Cate you are the love of our lives too. You are more prickly than your sister. You are timid where Lucy is wild. You take time to warm up but when you do you shower so much love, so many kisses.

You are small but mighty. When you make up your mind to do something there is no standing in your way.

You love bananas,cheese,waffles,juice. But sometimes you hate them too. You are mercurial,loving what you hated moments before and vice versa.

If I don’t understand your baby gibberish you SCREAM at me and arch your back. You are already a consummate hissy-fit-thrower at 19 months old.

You are either insanely happy or dissaproving…it depends on the moment.

To my daughters…thank you for making me a better person. Thank you for teaching me how to love more than i thought I could,how to feel more frustrated than I thought possible,how to navigate the complicated waters of motherhood.

Thank you for getting me through some of the toughest,scariest times of my life.

Thank you for forgiving me when I am abrupt and impatient with you. I am learning too and sometimes I make mistakes as well.

Thank you for making me less selfish,more fragile,less and more worried all at once.

I can’t wait to watch you grow. To watch you soar. To be there when your heart is broken,when you fall in love,when you make mistakes.

I look forward to every moment of it. Even the not so great moments.All of the moments are a gift. I love you, my daughters.

Love,Mama.