Three years ago:
Two years ago:
One year ago:
Now:
edited to add: hats from heartsmiles
And we know we want more. Well, one more.
A boy? Maybe. Or maybe we are destined to a lifetime of tears, pink, tulle, theatrics, high heels, broken hearts, dancing, tea parties, emotions…and we are more than fine with that.
we love having little girls. part of me longs to be a mama to a boy. part of jimmy yearns to have a boy.
but if that isn’t what we are given, we will be just fine. we LOVE little girls.
so i’ve been thinking. and we’ve been talking. is it time?
sadie just turned two…we want to be young enough when they leave the house to be able to enjoy and explore, and have dates again….
we want them to be close in age.
but sadie has done me in. a tiny bit. i kind of feel like she needs to be ohhhh, 16 or so? before we have another. just kidding. kinda.
it’s a back and forth.
i love being able to give them the attention they so crave. i love feeling good. i’m not looking forward to the barfing. i am just NOW starting to really believe in myself as a mama. believe that i’m actually good at it (most days). able to have fun, laugh, not take everything so seriously. feeling good about myself, how clothes fit. we are sleeping at night (all of us!!). not locking myself in the bathroom with a glass of wine and crying. not saying NEVER, just not much. 😉
i know i…WE…want another baby with all of our hearts. i love being pregnant. i love being a mother. i love babies, children, i even love changing diapers. i love snuggles. and feeding my babies. and nurturing them. and teaching them how to be kind, and love the Lord. my children make me laugh. and cry. and praise the Lord.
will i ever be “ready”?
i certainly wasn’t ready when harper was 12 months old and we found out about sweet sadie bug.
but oh, what a wonderful maddening trip it’s been.
and i ‘m so glad she happened the way she did. b/c i very well may have never felt ready.
i might just have to jump in.
fingers crossed, praying, holding on…letting go
of my fears and worries.
and trusting that my future is already chosen and designed. and handing over my anxieties.
and concentrating on being happy…and believing.
xoxo
a small addendum (if you will). i am super sensitive to all of my beautiful, amazing friends who have fertility struggles. i would never want to seem callous or insensitive to their problems at all. i always measure my words very carefully when i’m speaking about motherhood, pregnancy, etc. on this blog. b/c the last thing i would ever intend would be to hurt feelings. regardless, this is a struggle i’m having right now.
i am soooo aware of the fact that it’s a blessing to have ANY children. let alone to debate whether to have more than we have already been blessed with. i know i’m lucky to have a choice, but i still want to be responsible with that choice. i think a lot of it has to do with what J does, how often he is gone, the fears i have for his safety and how i feel like his mortality is SO fragile sometimes.
and i wanted to share my thoughts. i hope you will take them as they are intended…honest thoughts.
love you all.