forgive me if this post is a bit all over the place. i didn’t even know where to begin…and i certainly didn’t know where to stop. i just kind of wrote from my heart. hopefully it’s not to scatterbrained. 🙂
i fell in love with a boy from west point when i was 23 years old. i didn’t know much about him. i just new i loved his squinty brown eyes. and his smile. and the cleft in his chin. and the way he made me feel.
i certainly didn’t know what our love story would entail. i didn’t know that the road ahead of us would include four little girls, six duty stations, four states, eight moves, eight homes, seven (on the brink of eight) deployments.
i didn’t know that we would weather some of the scariest times i could imagine.
i didn’t know that i’d have his baby girl without him there.
i didn’t know that there would be months that i thought i might never see him again.
i just knew he made me happy.
it was 2000.
there was no war. no september 11. no operation enduring freedom,no operation iraqi freedom. no one even really know what the word “deployed” meant. no imminent danger.
just us.
we had a pretty good relationship. a little drama (mostly caused by having a long-distance relationship) but a lot of love.
but i took him for granted. i took our time together for granted. we fought over the silliest things. i held the stupidest grudges.
i remember taking him to the dallas airport and dropping him off…and crying so hard on the way back to the car. crying so hard i couldn’t see straight.
i thought it was the worst thing ever.
i had no idea.
then came september 11. things changed. my safety net ripped. my bubble popped. my safe little world was turned upside down. suddenly this loving a soldier thing? took on a whole new meaning.
i was scared.
but oh my goodness did i love him. he loved me…he made me feel like the center of the universe. he made me feel beautiful.i made him laugh. i gave him stability. we fit together.
i didn’t know what was ahead of us, but i wasn’t letting go.
we got engaged, and spent the first part of our engagement apart. he was in ranger school.
i thought it was the hardest thing ever.
i had no idea.
i planned a beautiful west point wedding. i found the dress,the flowers, the women who would stand by my side.
j made it through ranger school and broke the news that our west point wedding wasn’t going to happen. you see…he wasn’t going to be in the US. he was going to be in afghanistan.
we planned the wedding in a week.
three months later he left for almost a year in afghanistan. no emails, no skype. not many phone calls. just hand written letters. i still have every single one.
how do you love someone who is halfway across the world? you write them letters telling them the mundane. telling them the big things. you write them letters listing all the things you love about them, while fighting back the tears and lying with your pen and saying you are “fine”. truth is i wasn’t fine. i was very naive. i still didn’t know how to have a marriage, let alone how to do it during a deployment.
but we figured it out.
you know what i figured out?
it’s not about me. or even about him. it’s about us.
it’s about something bigger, more complicated, more selfless. it’s about the choice he has made to do what he does.
love is about sacrifice. i have learned that our love is complicated.
our loves spans miles and years and continents and moments. some moments he is there for, some he is not.
but he is never far from me because he is in my heart. he is just as much a part of me as i am. he is imprinted on my soul.
how do you love someone when you live from moment to moment wondering if they are alive? when you survive from email to email? feeling a sense of relief each time you hear from him but also looking ahead to the next time you hear? how do you love someone who is gone more than he is next to you?
you pray.
you pray and hold on tight. and you tell him you love him. you hold tight to him when he is here. you tell him you are proud of him.
when he comes home you hold him so tight he can’t breathe. you breathe him in to try to memorize it for next time he is gone.
we have had six deployments and four children since that first deployment. i have learned so much. i know my husband like i’ve never known anyone. i can read my husband in a look. i love him in a way that is both terrifying and exhilarating.
we have had some beautiful moments. conversly we have had some excruciatingly terrifying moments. some of those moments felt like the worst thing ever.
but truth be told?
i’ve never experienced the worst thing ever.
and every day we are apart i pray that i will never have to know that pain.
loving jimmy is like being in a constant free fall. nothing is guaranteed. we only have the time we have together now.
we love with all of our hearts. argue with all of our hearts. trust with all of our hearts.
we build memories. we make babies. we make promises. these are the things that bind us when he is away.
i don’t take our time together for granted anymore. i relish it. savor it. see it for what it is, even when we are driving each other nuts. it’s a gift.
how do you love a soldier?
with everything you have. you love him knowing that loving him is the only thing you can EVER be certain of in the life you lead.
you love him knowing that sometimes it will be all you have to cling to.
you love him because he is your heart.
source unknown
What a beautiful post.
Beautiful!
Loved this…
I’m bawling. Such a beautiful post. I love you guys, and your love, and your family!! Gonna squeeze my guy tight when he comes in the cafe for his coffee this morning. xo!
Incredibly well written! Thank you and your husband for what you are doing for all of us—from someone who has been in love for 40+ years now. I wish that for you!
this is incredible. i so enjoyed reading this and listening to your heart.
love this!!! very beautifully written
Also I Wrote a comment before on your little survey and it did not get posted so I thought I will put it here now since it is posting! i love your blog and also found you through SC. your layouts are my fave and your style is very much like mine so as soon as I see you have updated your blog I come to read it!! I love love your layouts and the rainbow bday looked amazing! i am also using Pinterest for my daughters – curious george bday-…. However, I am over in London and curious george is not big over here so I had to get all the stuff shipped over from the US! Anyway I will comment here more as I find your blog very inspiring and as I said your layouts are AMAZING!! I also loved loved having a sneak peek at your craft room. DO you really scrap on the floor? How do you do that? sounds fun! have a good one!
Thank you for making me cry first thing in the morning
Beautiful
What a wonderful post and all so very true. My dad passed away a couple of years ago and we found all of the letters mum had written to him when he was away fighting in WW2, he had kept them in a shoe box in the back of his wardrobe. I could only read one or two as I felt I was intruding, mum can’t believe she had written “so much mush” as she calls it.
Xx
such a strong, sweet, and real post. have me crying and praying early this morning! you are an amazing woman! hope we can get together again soon!
I also forgot to say that I really admire you as well! Having 4 kids with your hubbie away a lot is very admirable! I have 3 kids under 4 and my hubbie was away only for 3 weeks and I almost lost my mind!!! i won’t forget the pics you posted of you going shopping with the twins and all the shopping around them! It was very cute!!
you are all of us, Steph. Best. post. ever.
Starting the morning with a good cry, reading your post… you express yourself so beautifully and give us a little glimpse into the life of a military wife. Brandon and Alicia are on their way home from Kuwait right now for R&R… I’ll love on them and savor every minute together!
tugs at the core of my heart. thanks for sharing, it makes me count my blessings, it reminds me never to take the people i love for granted. thank you stephanie!
I’m crying while reading this beautiful post. This was well written and I can feel every emotion your sharing with us. What a sweet love story this is!! I can’t imagine going thru all you’ve done with 4 kids and on your own for most of it, it has made you strong and to live life to the fullest and PROUD of your family. Thank you for sharing this with us and making me smile and thank that solider man of yours for all he does for our country. Both of you are lucky to have found each other.
HUGS AND LOVE
Dawn
Beautiful post Stephanie…and I can relate to every single word! I still have the letters from each of our deployments. I remember the fear of possibility of him not being there for the birth of our first daughter (he deployed 2 days after we found out). I remember his being gone for a good part of our sons first year and as we gear up for another deployment I am soaking in every minute of time I have with him.
I love your posts about being a military wife because it makes me feel like I have an instant bond with you…I am telling you, we could be besties IRL, just so I could pinch the girls cheeks and hone in on your creative mojo…
Thanks again for such a beautifully written post…I think you have spoken the mind of nearly every military spouse.
beautiful post!
So beautiful… Thanks for sharing.
you are always writing from the heart. Thank you for the heartfelt beautiful post. I need to go hug my husband.
Beautiful post, I think that it’s from the heart and really lets everyone know how you feel. Love the pictures and the story.
Wow, Stephanie. Make sure your soldier reads this. You’ve definitely put your heart right here on the page. (Well, you always do.) I *love* the pictures of the six of you on/by the futon — not sure I’ve seen those.
Absolutely beautiful, Stephanie.
beautiful post, steph.
love the pictures.
love the moments captured.
love that you’re so honest.
what an awesome family you have.
xx.
Oh, wow! This is the most heartfelt post I have ever read. The best post I have ever read. I am in awe of you and the love you share. It’s just plain beautiful to read about. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you for posting that. I know it’ll bring comfort and peace to so, so many people.
thank you.
Love my military man. Love this post too! 😉 Thanks for sharing….wonder how many tears you shed remembering…
Just beautiful, in every way.
You are a *soul* beautiful friend. xo
So so wonderful. God bless you and your precious family!
Thank you to you and J….What a beautiful post.
I remember the days when there were only hand written letters, I had totally forgotten about that. Cleft chins will do that to a girl 🙂
Beautiful, Thinking of you, your soldier and your beautiful girls! Off to give my hubby a hug! I’ve always said that you should tell them you love them in the morning and last thing at night at the very least and never go to bed without resolving your differences!
So beautifully written – I still have the letters from my Navy man too, written before email was even an idea! You are absolutely right in the “loving him” is the easy part, if you always keep that in your heart you can get through anything!
With tears running down my face, all I can think to say is Beautiful Post, Beautiful Family, Beautiful Pictures! Thank you to you and your family for all you do for us!
Thank you to J and thank you to You. I live in Arlington, VA and work for DoD and the sacrifice that your WHOLE FAMILY makes means so much to me. We are so blessed to have so many like you guys who make those sacrifices and keep us safe. It’s such a hard situation you guys are in, and I see many families who don’t make it. I am so glad to see how strongly tied together you guys are. Thanks for sharing.
Wow, that is a beautiful, beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing!!
You are amazing. Love seeing those precious girls in your pics. Love your love story so well captured in your blog. We appreciate your families sacrifice for patriotic duty and appreciate your soldier more than I can say. God Bless you all.
Amazing! You know you really should write a book.
I think it would make a great story and I know I would read it 🙂
Stephanie. Really? Why must you make me cry before breakfast?? (((HUGS))) This could have come from my mind! I love your story, and I completely understand loving a Soldier. It is the greatest love, the most trusting love, the butterfly kind. Seeing those doors open, and our guys marching in…seeing them love on their babies…it is the best. You are a Rockstar. For real.
smiling because your love with your husband is a beautiful thing.
i still have every letter from 1990. they are in a stack bound with one of those elastic thingies they use to roll the pant legs under to hold them nice and neat. that stack makes me smile.
What beautiful, heart-wrenching words. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. You are a beautiful family and I will keep you in my prayers.
I was in tears the entire time I was reading this. I love when you write about your love for your husband and your family.
beautiful!!!!
One of the most beautiful things I have ever read. I had tears in my eyes the entire time. Thank you so much for sharing your family, your life and your love.
You are a very wise woman. And you write so well I can feel your love for j all the way over here in Arizona. Amazing.
such a beautiful post – I hope he reads this. You are so strong Steph.
I admit I did tear up while reading this because I know all those feelings. Being an army wife, I definately have a new respect for them. Thank you for sharing. I admire your strength.
Beautiful post – thank you for sharing it.
Beautifully written – I am very moved.
I can think of no other words to say other than, thank you for posting this.
WOW!! This is a beautiful love letter to your husband and your family. Thank you both for the sacrifices you make daily for the safety of our country and my family. God bless you.
Your post is amazing. I am at work trying not to cry…it was that beautiful. Thanks for sharing your story
Hope things will be less testing for you as time passes, the rollercoaster of your love is exhilarating and exhausting. On the one hand I would probably love to be on it, but on the other hand the thrill would probably be too much. Thank you for taking me on this ride!
absolutely one of the most beautiful “love” posts ever. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.
NORMALLY, I am just a lurker, I am a scrapbooker as well, mom of 3, wife, and so much more. LOL But, when I read this post, I could not stop CRYING. Really touching and I just had to come out of hiding, and tell you that YOU ARE AN AMAZING WOMAN!
So very perfectly said!
Wow.
You make me cry every time you write one of these posts. beautiful
Amazing…you put into words something I’ve been wondering how I’m going to be able to do in the near future. Absolutely beautiful. Thank you 🙂
this made me smile & almost cry this morning =) What a beautiful & timeless love story.
xo
Beautiful words, thoughts and pictures. Thanks for sharing!
K-not a soliders wife but a wife none the less and what you said really touched my heart. It made me cry actually. Such a lovely blog love letter to your husband and your family! 🙂
Your posts from the heart are always the best. I have been married 32 years (on 2/16) and my hubby has always been around. I can’t imagine how it would be if he was gone like J is, so often. My hubby is having surgery this am, and we talked about the what if’s. I could not imagine how hard it would be, like with you and J. I am inspired by your strength!
omg, Stephanie, I am in the middle of an ugly cry right now, that was so beautiful! I hope you never, ever have to experience the worst thing ever. You two are lucky to have each other, lucky to have your girls and the life you have, we only get one life and it’s a scary roller coaster ride isn’t it? I guess we all have to just take it one day at at time, thanks for sharing this, makes me appreciate my hubby even more 🙂
Beautifully said.
Unless you are a military spouse, you will never understand our lives. I love how you can put everything I feel down in a blog. When someone says “Are you in the Navy?” I always say “yes” because we might as well be serving. We have no say of where we are going or when but we do it because we love our sailor/soldier. Bless you Stephanie and your precious family.
I should know better than to read posts like this in the midst of pregnancy hormones. You are beautiful, this is beautiful, and your family is beautiful. Love you!
What a beautiful post. Not everyone can pour out their heart out let alone in “public” like this. Thank you for reminding us that life is short and we should hold the ones we love close. <3
Dagnabit, now I’m teary-eyed at work and can’t explain why… this post came out beautifully! You have more wisdom than most by living in the now… loving in the now. Don’t dwell on the mistakes of the past, think of them as lessons instead. You are a uniquely beautiful, loving and loved person. I enjoy everything you post, crafts, love, motherhood and life. Don’t change one little bit.
So beautiful! I can relate in so many ways. I grew up a military brat & married an airmen when I was 21. I remember telling my dad that I was dating a man in the Air Force & him saying “you know what this life entails….are you sure you want that?” and I remember telling him “I want a life with him! Whatever that entails!” 14 years later we have weathered a lot as well (deployments, moves w/30 days notice, 2 girls diagnosed on the autism spectrum, and the death of his father) but I would do it all over again. I love this man with every fiber of my being!
Thank you for sharing a glimpse into not only your world, but our’s as well!
Many blessings on your family!
absolutely beautiful… choked up on this side of the screen…
you
and he
the two of you
and your family….
define amazing.
love you all.
xoxox.
I’m crying in my cubicle!
Amazing post, Stephanie. I love reading about y’alls’ story.
reading your posts like this one pulls at my heartstrings.. This post says so much so well. I wish I had the gift that you do to open my heart and let my emotions flow out. God bless you, your girls and your soldier.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Thanks for sharing this post.
What lovely words. I want so badly to write something with this degree of emotion about my husband and about my dad (he passed away in 1987 and I have YET to be able to do a scrapbook page about him).
I feel the feelings, I know the love you’re talking about, even though it is not tinged with the fear you live with on an almost daily basis.
But I can’t find the words.
I’ll read your post to my husband tonight. Maybe he’ll figure it out for himself.
Or maybe we’ll find our words together.
Now if we all just applied this to our marriages (I truly try to), life would be even more beautiful!
I LOVED this stephanie, you are an amazing woman, he is so blessed to have you for his wife. NOt everyone is meant to be A soldier’s wife, but you are….
tara
Beautiful…you are amazing writer…so touching. Thank you for sharing 🙂
Your post is so beautiful! Thank you for sharing your heart.
This is BEAUTIFUL!!! Simply and totally. BEAUTIFUL!
Thank you for sharing your heart, Stephanie!
Beautifully said, Stephanie! J is a lucky man…but I think he knows that! Blessings to both of you and your wonderful family.
this is so wonderfully written stephanie! literally gives me goosebumps.
this may be one of my favorite things you’ve written. beautiful, heartfelt, bittersweet, poignant, amazing. what a precious gift to jimmy, and a precious gift for your girls one day, to be able to read of the amazing love their parents share. thank you steph.
OMGoodness you have me blubbing again! What a beautiful post, you two make such a beautiful couple 🙂
wordless
🙂
Oh my word, this is a beautiful post!
Oh you nailed it! I wish every girl who is marrying a soldier could read your words.
Beautiful!
You touched a place deep in my heart and said in beautiful words so much of what I have felt. I too have loved a soldier, thank you for sharing your heart and reminding me that the severity of the pain of loss is equally measured by the joy of the love that we shared. God bless you and your family, and thank you, each of you, for your service to this country.
Love this. Awesome post. Awesome photos. You’ve inspired me to love my husband “better ”
wow, what an absolutely beautiful post. I’m in tears at my computer! Take care xx
i have no idea because we are farmers and live and work together all the time. your writing made me cry because your love is so strong and you are so strong and i love my bruce in just the same way you love…i just don’t have the fear and my heart aches for the fear you must live with.
Very touching and loving post, Stephanie. Your soldier is so blessed to have you.
Beautiful post Stephanie…excuse while I go mop the tears off my face.. 😉 Thanks for sharing such a wonderful part of you with us 🙂
I just love it when you share your soul…
THis is such a beautiful post! I am also married to a Military man. I was only 18 when we got married and now 3 kids and 16 years later I can relate to so much of your post. Thank you so much for sharing!!:)
Excellent post Stephanie. I don’t know how you do it. Stay strong!
Beautiful post. Teared up at the picture of Jimmy coming home. Your love for your soldier always shines.
Beautiful, Stephanie! I’m sharing this with a good friend of mine who will see her husband’s first deployment in just a couple short seasons. Thank you for affirming both your marriage and the other military couples who suffer so much for the good of our country. God bless you!
Absolutely beautiful!
That was beautiful!
Wow. You are one incredible woman. The candid honesty is just captivating. What a beautiful story. My heart wrenched for you and your family but I can tell in reading it that you will persevere, come what may, you seem to find a way. I love what you wrote. It made me take a step back and think of my situation….sometimes I think it’s really difficult. I wish it were better in a lot of ways. easier. But I take things for granted. Although I feel I express how much I love my husband daily…I know I can do better.I have no doubt that I will fall short because life gets in the way, but I should try to enjoy every moment with him. Because we both deserve that and the rest is just, the rest.
your love is beautiful:)
that was really beautiful. thanks for sharing your heart with us! 🙂
Thank you. For sharing, for the sacrifices you, your soldier and your 4 little chicks (and all the other soldiers and their families) make for us, and for making me realize how much I take for granted.
my heart aches with happiness and peace.
I have no words, only tears. Thanks for writing that today.
LOVE.
A beautiful tribute to your soul mate…and thank you for allowing us to see you at your most vulnerable. It is why you are surrounded by so many of us who care about you and your story. Lots of love and hugs from the Great White North 😉
oh Steph this is just beautiful and I am crying!! love you for sharing with us. hugs and lots of love for you and your chickies and J xo
wow. how beautiful! your girls will so appreciate this post some day. knowing exactly what is in their mama’s heart and just how much she loves their daddy. I think he already knows 😉
Happy weekend!
Beautiful. Simply beautiful.
This is incredibly moving and simply beautiful Stephanie. As always, the way you share your heart is an inspiration.
Blessings…
Beautiful…and perfect!
This is so touching. So beautiful. And I’m glad you “didn’t know where to stop”, because I didn’t want it to end. The photo of you on the phone moments after giving birth? Tugged at my heart so hard. Thanks for sharing this with us and thank you all for your service and your sacrifices. xoxo
Such a beautiful & moving post.
You are a very strong & wise young woman & your writing reflects that.
May you all go from strength to strength & continue to be safe.
With much admiration, Bessie.
You just summed up my life as an Army wife! 🙂
such a beautiful post…
so well said. and you are so right about how marriage is a choice- i have felt that way since I was engaged and i really feel that it is such a good constant reminder when you are frustrated/annoyed/mad etc – you have chosen this person and this relationship and everyday you make choices to support that.
That was a beautiful uplifting post. I wish all married couples could read that to know what real sacrafice is and not to complain about the little things. Thanks for sharing your feelings!
This is beautiful, Stephanie.
WOW…that just made me cry….beautiful. You are very good at getting your true thoughts down on paper!
a very beautiful, heartfelt post. I’ve been married to my Marine for almost 18 years now, and can totally relate to how each time I think we’ve faced the worst, I had no idea. And how right you are that we still haven’t faced the absolute worst. I wish the years and deployments and tours were getting easier, they aren’t. I wish the roller coaster ride was getting smoother, it isn’t. But I wouldn’t have it any other way! Blessings to you and your precious family. Hang in there.
Such a beautiful post!!!! I’m sitting her teary eyed…
This is such a beautiful post! I have tears in my eyes! Thank you both for doing what you do and for being such a great example of what love is all about!
I’m seeing the monitor through welled-up eyes because you’ve touched my heart…yet again. What a “love”ly post. Thank you!!!
be still my heart.
thank you for reminding me there ARE marriages out there that have LOVE in them.
thanks for everything you put out into the world.
What a beautiful post. I have tears while reading it, thank you for sharing
this is beautiful.
Beautiful!
I saw the title of this post on Twitter the other day, and I KNEW I wasn’t ready to read it. I needed to wait because I knew that I was going to bawl my eyes out.
I was right.
I have to share something with you. Right after I had little Michael, my husband took an assignment in ICELAND. He would go for weeks on end, and I was home with a teenager, a toddler and a newborn. It felt impossible; truly. BUT, I would often think about you (and other amazing military wives). What you do and how you love your family gives me so much strength…and hope.
xoxo
You have an amazing way with words. I think you made a serious chunk of the women of American cry. I’m proud to say, I’m part of that group.
all i can say is you made me cry, what an awesome post 🙂
oh, steph. this is just lovely. and truthful. and raw. and amazing. i was so hoping you wouldn’t have to get back on another of these journeys so soon. sending up all sorts of prayers that jimmy continues to be surrounded by angels and blessings and the love of his girls until the day he gets home.
This has to be the most beautiful heartfelt story you have ever posted. I was crying by the 2nd sentence. Jimmy is very lucky to have you. He is a wonderful brave man but without you he could not live the life he does. The two of you make a whole & watching the 2 of you with your girls is an inspiration. Thank him for everything he does for everyone in this wonderful country of ours & thank you,Stephanie,for letting him.
Thank you to your husband and your family for the sacrifices you make for all of us.
This is the most BEAUTIFUL post I’ve ever read! You are blessed…in EVERY way! You are a BLESSING to other’s…in how you share, and write, and live life transparently. Thank you for sharing…and I LOVE being your friend! Your photographs are GORGEOUS…your family is PRECIOUS…and YOU are BEAUTIFUL and so real!
xoxo
Loves,
K
I really can’t imagine what it’s like, to love a soldier, but reading what you wrote, made so much sense it made me cry!
This is a trully beautiful post.
What a wonderful loveletter! Thanks!
You, my dear, are incredible.
i found your blog via elise and the guest post she did. i am a newlywed army wife and reading this gives me the type of pit in my stomach i don’t want to experience. but, i know it’s part of my life now. and that it is about us… and we have to be strong together. knowing that our love is so unbreakable makes being strong seem a tad bit easier. thanks for this post!
That was a truely beautiful post…Just like so many of your others… I really really do love every single post.
This is beautiful and so touching. I hope one day my son finds someone the way you love your husband. I’ve followed your blogging since you were in Savannah. You had just moved there. My son, while currently almost 14, is entering high school and dreams of being an Army Ranger. He’s a smart kid. He wants to get into West Point in just a few short years. Time flies and I’m in awe of the young man my little boy (who used to be fascinated with bugs) is becoming. He wants to serve his country. In your J, I see what his future could be like. Thank you for loving your soldier well, so he can do his job to the best of his ability for our country.