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Stephanie Howell

reading, organizing, shopping, momming too close to the sun. Home is wherever the Army sends us.

it’s complicated.

Scan 113160002harper's very first school picture. i notice two things when i look at this photo. how grown up she looks and how HAPPY she looks.

 

it's complicated, this mother/daughter dance. 

i expect so much out of her,yet i don't want to project my expectations onto her or crush her with the weight of them.

she frustrates me so much because she is exactly like me.

all of the things i don't have patience for in myself, i don't have patience for in her.

the fact that she is high strung.

the fact that she worries too much about what other's think.

the fact that she wants to please others so very much.

she's very self aware…

the fact that she never ever stops talking and that all of her life is one

long

run-on

sentence.

the way she always wants to help SO much but sometimes just gets in the way…

she is me.

i have so many hopes and dreams for her. she will soar,this one. she's smart and observant, kind and generous. she's beautiful with a beautiful heart.

i feel so much pressure to teach her to respect herself,and to respect others and their feelings/wishes… but never to be a doormat. 

these days are a bit rough. she's prone to dramatic fits of wailing, inconsolable crying.

because she's still so LITTLE but yet she seems so capable.

it's complicated.

i love her so much it physically makes my heart hurt. but she drives me nuts at the same time.

i have to be sure to always praise her, but not over praise her.

i make mistakes. i lose my patience with her. i snap. i coddle her. i have no patience, i have too much patience. i ignore her when there's really something wrong and indulge her when nothing is wrong.

it's complicated.

this girl made me a mother. we are learning together, feeling this thing out together.

 

but there's this.

at her kindergarten parent/teacher conference her teacher told me she is so smart and well behaved (except for a bit of talking out-again she gets that from me)…but above all she is KIND. she plays with everyone, befriends everyone, encourages everyone.

and also, there is this.

when she got out of the car today, she walked/pranced up the school sidewalk with a bounce in her step. i held up the carpool line for a minute…just watching her and rejoicing in the gift of her.

suddenly she turned, ran back to the car and motioned for me to roll the window down.

she yelled "I love you mama and i'm so proud of you!!!"

and my heart was calm in the knowledge that the two of us are doing just fine.

IMG_8261
we are navigating this complicated, blind route just fine. and all the good times, good parts…well,they more than make up for the hard parts.

 

xxo

Comments

  1. Awwwww … Stephanie, that’s the sweetest story. I am EXACTLY the same way with my oldest. Congrats on being a great momma 😉
    xo

  3. Oh, Stephanie, I relate so much to this post. My oldest daughter is just like me & it drives me nuts in the exact same way. I’m keeping this & writing my own journaling for a scrapbook page. Love it.

  4. I can totally relate to the mother/daughter dance as that is what my K-girl and I are doing now. She is so young [only 7], yet she is so grown up. And, she is just like me.
    Hugs to you and H — both of you are beautiful souls!

  6. Harper sounds exactly like my girls were at 5! I wish other children were more kids were like that. Kindness is so important to me, more so than intelligence even. It makes me so happy to hear comments like that from their teachers. Many of my friends tell me that with their girls it is like pulling teeth to get them to tell you about their day at school. I hope mine continue to tell me about their day! Great post!

  9. Your post described the relationship I had with my son at Harper’s age. He was so much like me and that was the problem. He is now 20 in his second year at college and has grown into an incredible young man. Don’t worry Stephanie, Harper will be just fine and grow into an incredible young woman. You’re a wonderful mother, you’re just human after all.

  10. It’s true how the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Being a mother is the best/blessed & most challenging thing. Always remember the small things, they help you get through the big things.

  11. I love this…with tears in my eyes and joy in my heart. You are doing a great job and remember, none of us know what we’re doing right or wrong…we just go on instinct, love and God’s gentle guidance. He trusted you with her and you’ll do amazing things as will your 4 little blessings!

  14. You hit the nail on the head about raising a daughter! It’s hard for me to tell my daughter to “just be kind & walk away” if kids are being rude etc.. when i REALLY want to tell her to…. 😉 But part of life is dealing with bullies and being a bigger person.
    xo

  16. Stephanie,
    This sounds just like me and my oldest. WE are SO MUCH alike, she is “almost” a carbon copy of me and everything I nitpick her on, it’s the things I don’t like about ME>
    it’s so hard being a mom, the hardest job in the world.
    You are doing a FANTASTIC job with your girls. It’s not easy, but you are doing right by them! that’s so cute she said she was proud of you! I love that, what a sweet girl.
    It’s a hard thing to teach them to stand up for themselves, yet teach them to be kind.
    We had an incident where our neighbor wanted my girls(and herself) to swear into a tape recorder then play it back. When it was Savannah’s turn, she just couldn’t so she said instead, “I am stupid” and her friend told her that swear wasn’t bad enough! Then she tried to get my 2nd one Ava to do it, Ava said, “no way, and I am going home to tell my mom about this, come on Savannah, let’s go”….(probably what Sadie would do, right?!) it’s amazing how different they are, yet I was proud of Savannah because with her soft heart not wanting to say no to her friend, she found a way to “try” to do it but NOT do it, kwim? but yet, I had to tell her that she should have just said, “NO” from the very beginning! Needless to say, they weren’t allowed to go over there again unsupervised and this was my best friend’s house 2 doors down!
    okay, sorry for writing a book!
    just want to say, keep up the great work!
    pray a lot and YOU GOT THIS~!
    tara

  18. this mother daughter thing is a beautiful and hard thing sometimes…my daughter is the same as me in most ways, so I can relate, but in other ways she’s not like me, I am very neat, she’s super messy, I love to be on time, even ahead of time, she’s always late and procrastinates terrible!! I sometimes feel like I want to change her ways but then realize she is who she is and I have to accept that, and I know one thing, I could never live without her! She is sweet, kind, a good girl who loves her family and friends and is always happy, that is really all that matters in the end 🙂

  20. What a lovely post! What a lovely gift you’ve received, in being able to see your little girls every day and watch them become their own little persons, yet see how much of an influence you’re being on them.
    My (step)daughter and I met when she was 10 and very much her mother’s daughter. But every once is a while, 22 years later, I see her do something, say something, think something that is SO VERY ME; I can only imagine how wonderful it is to live that every day! Luckily she and I have a wonderful relationship and I’m so very proud of her. I can promise you that you get prouder every day!!!

  22. This totally made me cry and so hit home with my five year old daughter. My husband has said “of course you’re frustrated, it’s you, talking to you!”. I wonder what the teen years will bring…

  23. Girl….this brought a few tears to my eye, because I can completely and totally relate. When I first “found” you in blogger’s land, I was always astonished by how similar our girls are, and in some ways, from what I’ve read over the years, how similar we are also. So when I read these words that you have written today, I see me and my beautiful girl, and the journey that we are on together. It is hard, and I have to pull myself up alot and scold myself for being too hard. But I love those moments when Ayleigh looks at me and says she loves me, because it’s then I know that even though I might be too tough sometimes, I’m doing something right. Bless you Stephanie! And thanks for putting my thoughts into words!

  24. This post made me think of my oldest. He’s four years old. And he is a male mini me. I could have written this same post, nearly the exact same way, about my son and myself. It’s almost scary.

  25. I think it’s funny how many of the comments are that our oldests are so much like us. Mine is the same. I had the same experience with my son in kindergarten as Harper. He won the award for being the friendliest and kindest student in his class. It made me so proud and thankful. It has also been the cause of some heartache b/c kids don’t always appreciate it. I know that the reason Harper is the beautiful girl she is both inside and out is because you are doing such a good job as her momma. My husband always tells me, “If you weren’t doing such a good job, you wouldn’t worry about it so much.” There is a lot of truth to that (even if it did come from a man) 😉

  30. So well said. For all of us who have firstborn daughters….this really resonates. Thanks!

  31. You ARE doing just fine and all will be just fine. She will be your lovely, grown-up daughter friend someday. Not to take away from all the wonderful things that will happen between now and then. It is hard when we see our daughters doing the same things that we see in ourselves and don’t like. But, we have to remember that they will figure things out like we have figured things out. And, as far as helping them to be strong, the love and wonderful family security that you and your husband provide will do that more than anything. God bless — you are a great mom!

  33. Stephanie, Oh how your post spoke to me. It’s been a while since I commented, but I always LOVE reading your blog. I’ve mentioned before, but I’m momma to four boys 🙂 I have so many similar thoughts to you. I was thinking that I was going through a complicated phase with my oldest who is 14. And then, like your parent/teacher conference, I received the nicest text from one of his friend’s moms saying how my son had sent her son a text saying how great he did on his show choir solo try out. The other mom told her how it brought her and her hubby to tears. Made me teary too just hearing that on days when I think he’s not getting what we’re trying to teach him that he really is. Parenting is tough. It is our biggest joy and our hardest job at the same time. A lifetime commitment that I would not trade for ANYTHING! Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful family with us!

  34. Steph you have such an amazing way of wording/writing thank you for being you and sharing that with us!!!

  35. It sounds like there are so many of us in the same boat as you. Just this morning my older daughter (7 yrs old) knew exactly how to push my buttons before school…it was very dramatic…there were tears from both us. It melts my heart when I loose my patients with her, which seems to be happening a lot lately. thank you for sharing this post. Your not alone.

  36. Love her telling you she loves you and is proud of you. How cool is that. I can relate to so much of this — I have a 7-year-old girl — she is the “angel of my heart” as I tell her probably way too often, but she is not perfect and the run-on sentence talking — oh, yeah. But oddly enough, her teacher told us at her conference that she doesn’t speak up a lot in class. We were pretty surprised by that! 🙂

  38. by golly, you just made me cry….and I don’t cry pretty…LOL…this is so sweet, so touching. What a proud mama and daughter you both are!

  41. I read your blog all the time, but rarely comment on the funny, hilarious, even the tear jerker stories, but today I have to tell ya’ this post melts my heart! Isn’t being a mom a crazy roller coaster of wacky ‘my cup runneth over’ emotions? Wouldn’t trade it for the world!

  42. Thanks for sharing! I think raising children is complicated!! WOW!! 🙂 We had parent/teacher conferences this week and both my girls teachers had wonderful things to say…what a great reinforcement of what we are already doing! YEAH!!

  43. So beautifully complicated, it is! I will treasure this post for many years to come – you have put so many of my thoughts & feelings into the perfect words! Thank you! And you’ve inspired me to journal my own experience with my own Mother/Daughter relationship. Just keep loving her without conditions, pray a lot & God’s grace will take care of the rest. I truly appreciate you, Steph & the generous way you share the truth with us. XXXOOO

  46. Stephanie,
    Thank you for an exceptional post.
    I have had so many of those same feelings over the years with my only child, my 37 years old 6′ 6″ son.
    I have had so many of those same feelings all his life.
    It is Complicated but worth every second of both the ups and the downs.
    Thank you for putting your feelings down to share with us all. You brought tears to my eyes and memories of my precious little son through all the years, tears and good stuff.
    Jill

  47. OH my Steph you made me cry with this post.
    It is like sometimes you get inside my head & say things in such a way I can’t. I just related to everyhing…..some days my heart hurts for my big girl. You just seem to be able to just SAY it. THanks so much for sharing your heart. This motherhood business is definately a scary one & only for the brave!!! All girls too.
    Have a great week & Harper just looks so beautiful & so grown up all of a sudden.
    Mel xx

  48. Oh my how this post reminds me of just the feelings I have about my son! How he irritates me so at times and how proud I am at the same time! How hard it is to find balance in praise and constructive criticism and I always wonder how I’m doing as a mother. This parenting thing is crazy! great post…we moms can relate!

  49. A lot of times I roll down page after page and think there is no reason to comment–you’ll never get them all read. But just in case–thank you. A beautiful blog but mostly thank you for the “prone to dramatic fits of wailing, inconsolable crying.” I’m observing that and worrying a lot lately. Maybe it is just the age.

  51. oh, parenting! I think the lesson is patience – with the child, with yourself, patience…..something I’m starting to learn too.

  54. This post was so beautiful…it literally brought me to tears! How sweet is it to hear that from your child!? 😀 I love the way you write about your children and your life, I always LOL or am brought to tears when I come to your blog! I don’t comment often enough, but I always stop by to see how you and your girls are doing. I’ve loved watching your girls grow up, its so cool! I know we have never met, but whenever I come to your blog and see pix of how big your kids are and I think back to when I first started reading and Sadie was a baby…its like, WOW! She is so big now! Lol! Then to watch your twins growing! Its just awesome! 🙂

  59. I’m reading this with goosebumps and a few tears…this is so painfully sweet! My oldest will be 18 this April and while I am proud of the woman she is becoming, my heart is breaking…just a little.

  60. The way you are able to put your feelings into words never ceases to amaze me. It brings me to tears sometimes, especially when you write about Harper and the love you have for your husband. I search your blog sometimes just to understand my own feelings sometimes! This is because my daughter also makes my heart sink & I find myself stopping in the middle of a psycho cleaning spree because I’ve asked her to just go play several times when she only wants to help ME. Because she IS me. In every single way. I’ve “recreated” so many of your pages about Harper for my Maddie bc the feelings are EXACTLY the same. And knowing there’s a mom out there who struggles with feelings of such intense love for her daughter, frustration, anxiety about her future and whether she”ll be true to herself (bc she deserves it so much!)… Well, it let’s me know I’m not alone. So, thank you, for your blog & for taking the time to write about being a mom and a wife.