Top

Stephanie Howell

reading, organizing, shopping, momming too close to the sun. Home is wherever the Army sends us.

i am weak

B47f1d98895911e1af7612313813f8e8_7

jimmy gave me this coin the day we got married. he couldn't have possibly known what it would mean to me one day. it is scratched and dull. but i cling to it and believe in what it says with all of my heart.

2 Corinthians 12:

9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Okay. Confession time.

I am weak.

I admit it. Right now I am feeling weak. I'm tired, I'm sick, I'm worried, I'm stressed. I'm scared.

I am weak.

But He is strong.

I've had to hand my fear over. Hand my worry over.

I have had to accept that I can't do it all. Sometimes I like to think I can. But I can't.

It's okay that I'm not wanting to make anything. It is okay that I quit Project Life for now (I really don't want to put the past 2 weeks down on paper and I'm giving myself permission not to).

It is okay to say I MISS HIM. That I'm better when he's here.That I don't know what I'd do without him and that I'm terrified that one day I'll find out.

It is okay that I just want to love on my girls. Some days I want to hide from the world. Some days I just have to get out to keep from going nuts. Some days we stay in our pajamas all day.

It's okay.

I am giving myself permission to be sad. I am giving myself permission to cry after the girls are in bed.

I am weak.

But He gives me strength. My faith gives me strength. My children give me strength. The love I have for my husband gives me strength.

The fear will not win. The "what-ifs" will not win. The "could it happens" will not win. The "I wishes"will not win.

Strength and faith and positivity will win.

But for now I revel in my imperfections.It is okay to say that I feel weak.

We are all weak. Flawed. Struggling. Even though not everyone will admit it.

I am weak but He makes me strong.

S

 

 

Comments

  3. You and your family are in my prayers. You are a brave and strong woman and God has you in his hands.

  4. I am with you too, I am not a military wife, but I am suffering from crippling depression right now, and I want you to know that you are not alone.

  6. Sending you TONS of hugs, my sweet friend!! I am here if you need me for ANYTHING!! Pajama days are the BEST!! You are stronger than you think – you simply need to give yourself permission to be sad and overwhelmed!! Love you and the girls so much!! <3 You are not alone! xoxo

  8. Hugs Steph! Prayers sent to get you thru this and for J to come home safely & soon! You absolutely amaze me, you are stronger than you know…

  9. Hugs, prayers, and love sent to you and the girls. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your posts that are just raw emotion. It helps me more than you know.

  10. Lots of hugs and prayers, Steph. What a blessing to have Him in your life. I don’t know what people do without Him. Will hold you in my thoughts and prayers!

  11. Sending you love and hugs, you are so strong admitting your weakness.
    Xooxo,
    Bea

  13. You are so strong, even to put your internal dialogue on paper must help! SERIOUS respect to you for keeping it all together and still being able to find the eloquent words to put your feelings in perspective. The words that keep me sane at the moment are – “this too will pass” and OMG it really helps me keep a handle on the days. Respect!

  14. praying for him to fill everything weak with his powerful strength. every crack and broken vessel that surrounds you, I pray he fills in with his mighty hand. it’s so good to say it outloud to not hide away from where you are at. hugs.

  16. You have both sides inside you: weaknesss and strenghth! We all have both sides in us!
    I send to your weakness a carriage of sweetness!

  17. I am with you, for very different reasons, right now.
    Feeling weak and overwhelmed.
    Sending you hugs, prayers and reassurance that yes! you will win, but it’s ok to be weak and imperfect, too.
    XOXO!!

  18. Dear Stephanie,
    I feel so bad for you I could just cry….I am so sorry for the worry that you are having to go through, but you are right, you will be stronger for it in the end. I admire you so much, you are so brave. And I love that you are teaching your girls honor, bravery, respect. They are going to be AMAZING women some day, they already are amazing girls.
    Sending you love, hugs, strength in prayer.
    I wrote a prayer out especially for you and for Jimmy in my prayer journal today.
    love & hugs.
    tara

  20. you are so very brave to be able to write that all out. please know that a lot of us who read this blog are right there when you need us. sometimes you need to reach out to gain a little strength to get through the tough stuff. i am sending you all my spare strength – and at this moment, it’s not a lot – but it’s yours if you need it. hugs to you and your girls.

  21. So sorry, Steph!! And you bet it is ok to feel the way you are right now! You cry as much as you need to!!! You are strong whether it seems like it right now or not to you, but from my point of view……… you are a rock for those girls!! Amazing!!! xoxoxo

  22. Oh Stephanie, I’m so sorry. 🙁 I’m glad you’re giving yourself permission to feel however you want to and deal with it all however you need to. I’m praying for you and sending hugs your way…

  24. Sending you BIG hugs and prayers, sweet friend.
    Praying for God to continue to give you strength, peace and to take that fear from your heart.

  25. And ‘I can do all things through Christ which strenghtens me’ (Phillipians 4:13) What a beautiful example to your daughters – to rely on God and your faith when you are frightened and overwhelmed! Sending prayers…

  26. You and your sweet family have been on my heart lately. Know that you are being lifted up in prayer by many. Press On.

  28. You are a strength and inspiration to so many people and just one of the many things that make you so “real” is your honesty. Thank you for sharing this with your readers. In my eyes, admitting weakness and asking for help means you are strong. Strong in faith, love, hope. Stay in your jammies, read, love on your girls, drink some wine. Get through it. The relationship that you have with your husband and your girls seems incredible and it seems so natural that you would fear losing any of it. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You do more each day for your family than many people do. MANY!!! Prayers are with you everyday. Military families are amazing.

  29. Oh honey, you are one of the strongest people I know. Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal. Do whatever you need to do nto cope. The world is such a scary place right now.I wish I could just reach out & hold your hand. Love & prayers

  30. Hugs Steph and you have no idea how much I needed to read this today. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

  32. Even though we’ve never met (and who knows if we will on this earth), I just wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers. Isn’t it wonderful to have such an awesome God who we can cling to?

  33. The God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
    I Peter 5:10
    Hugs to you and the girls. It is okay to be weak – just know you have the strength of many around you and especially our heavenly Father.

  34. Sweet girl, I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how scary it is, the what if’s, the wondering, the heartache… It’s okay to crawl up on the bed with those sweet babies, and just feel the love. Just cocoon it all around you. I am keeping you in my prayers, every single night. ((HUGS))

  35. hang in there! life is difficult most of the time…but God has blessed you with those sweet children to help you through missing your hubby i pray for his safety and that of our troops…hugs…

  36. Just listening, praying and never judging. Know that fear is faced every day and every day there is the miracle of hope, of the strength of the Lord. Also know so many people, myself included, think of you and your family wishing and praying for the best. Hugs.

  37. You are strong. One of the strongest women I know. This week you have given your strength to Shelby. She needs it more than you. But just like love expanding to include 4 beautiful girls, strength expands. Praying for you and all of our supporting families.
    maggieb!

  38. You are in my prayers…and just remember that it is ok to be weak as long as your faith never waivers! Be strong and know that you are surrounded by love and support! Prayers and hugs to you and your family.

  39. Praying for you today. God always gives us what we need to get through now, the moment, and I’m praying for peace and relief from doubts in this moment.

  42. Hugs to you but most of all…prayer. I am praying for all of you.! May the Lord give you the strengh to get through this time. Love on those beautiful girls of yours!

  46. Ever since you shared the story of Tanner, I have been praying so much for his wife and also for you and your girls. I know we’ve never met but I feel connected to your family through your blog. Thank you for sharing honestly how you feel and know that I am praying for you and Jimmy.
    Matthew 11:28-30
    “Come to me all ye who labor and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and you shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
    I’m sure this is an incredibly difficult time. Praying for you.

  47. We each live within our own reality. Am I weak because I worry about my husband when he flies to Arizona to help his mother? And I feel stress when he is gone and I have to be large and in charge for our 12 year old at her softball tourney? And I whine because I have to be the one to run our son home from the University and back? You, with 4 littles and a military husband, might say I am weak. I say you are the brave one. Our realities and “usual” everyday lives are so very different. We hope to inspire and lift each other up. Venting, praying, whining, crying are all okay. We worry about planes crashing and clean clothes and good meals in similar but different ways. It’s just the stuff of our unique lives. You are strong. I am constantly amazed by you and you strength – and cheered by your sweet girls! Hang in there, kiddo, 6 months from now you will be past this and onto a new adventure….

  48. ‘For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of POWER and of LOVE and of a SOUND MIND.’ 2 Timothy 1:7
    Sending my prayers to you!

  50. Such hard, hard days. Praying especially today, and each day you face this separation, that the peace of God which surpasses all comprehension shall guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus. (Phil. 4:7). One day at a time.

  51. Sending up lots of prayers for you and the girls as well as for Jimmys safety! Thanks for your sacrafice as well as Jimmys for defending the country for the rest of us;)
    Stephanie B

  54. Oh my goodness! I think you are amazing! And every single one of your feelings and actions are OKAY. The bravest, most passionate and compassionate women are military wives and mothers and daughters. Been there and know what you feel (to a small extent) as my son was in Iraq. Just remember whatever you are feeling at the moment – it’s ok. {{{hugs}}}

  55. “If God brings you to it
    He will bring you through it”
    Keep praying & stay strong.
    Listen to this great song from Hillsong-


  56. Stephanie, you most certainly have the right, and it’s OK. Keep your chin up and love those little girls. You have so many people pulling for you and that are there for you. I don’t know how you do it! Hugs and prayers coming your way. Stay strong!

  58. Thanks for your honesty. Many of us have all sorts of reasons to “hand it over to God” and it is tough work. Please know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

  60. ah sweet girl you are so BRAVE and I love that you tear down the layers and allow yourself to feel what you are feeling!
    Praying for you, your soldier and your 4 little chicks!

  63. Love you. 🙂 And I follow Philippians 4:6-7 – it’s the only way I cannot worry/stress about everything. It’s taped to my monitor at work and written in my calendar inside my purse. Cuddle with your girls, breathe and pray.

  64. Thanks for posting. I’m sure that was hard to put into words but we all appreciate you for it. I know I don’t know you personally but I’ve certainly been thinking about you and your family! Take care of yourself, and I’m glad to hear that you’re giving yourself permission to just BE right now.
    Hang in there – will keep praying for you, J and the girls!

  65. Lots of very big {{{hugs}}} I think you are amazingly strong because as hard as it is you do it anyway and love with all your heart. Wishing that time goes really quickly till Jimmy is back home with you all again.

  66. Sending prayers your way, you are right, we are all weak sometimes and go through tough times whether we let it show or not. Hope this feeling passes and you begin to feel peace in your heart.

  67. it’s ok, don’t feel like you have to. sometimes it should suffice to just be, just take time to look at the small things. one step at a time.

  68. I am a friend you don’t even know you have, and I just want you to know today that I’m thinking of you. I’m keeping you, your girls, and Jimmy in my prayers.

  70. May you experience peace that doesnt make sense in this very troubled time, peace that only God can give. May you continue to see with the spiritual eyes of heaven, may your heart be comforted.

  71. stephanie-
    my heart goes out to you. continue to be strong for your girls….they are taking cues from you. I will keep you in my prayers, my nephew is beginning ranger school and my son has just been accepted to AROTC for college next year. not the same at all, but I read you blog and can only begin to understand the commitment your husband has to his country. God bless you all!
    i too am a mom to 4 kids…ending with a set of twins!

  72. I wish there was something I could say to take the worries and the realities away. You are not alone. I also wish I could stop by and have a glass of wine or 3! Hang in there, one moment at a time if you have to.

  74. I believe you are way stronger than you think. My prayers are with you and your family.

  75. O Stephanie – you poor girl! My heart breaks for you and all you have gone and are going thru. Remember to pray unceasing. Pray “God please help me thru this time. This moment.” Also remember to pray “Thy will be done.” and may we all accept Thy will. Not my will but Thy will. So many prayers and love going your way.
    And you should absolutely be ok with not creating, not doing. Grief will do that to us. I lost my mother in law last Aug to a very short, very intense ALS. From time she got sick about Jan to when she was finally diagnosed in June then passed away 7 weeks later in Aug I helped take care of her. I loved her more than my own mother and I STILL am having a hard time doing or creating much. It feels like it goes in such spurts. We all can only get through it all by His grace and with prayer. I am struggling with my PL and wish I could give myself permission to forget all the weeks I haven’t put in there yet and start fresh. But so far I’m struggling with that;) I do have pics and notes to do it someday at least;) So I say GOOD FOR YOU that you are able to give yourself permission:) Hope your days get brighter.

  78. every time i clicked on you blog and saw the “i am here” title, my heart sank. i could just picture you sitting there at your computer staring at YOUR screen and feeling alone … and i would just say a prayer for you. HE IS HERE. i think that by admitting our weak areas, that we are ADMITTING our need to/for HIM. You don’t need to be strong — that’s HIS job. prayers for you and your family.

  81. sending you hugs and praying for you today.
    You are so loved & we are so thankful that men like J fight to protect us everyday!! Wishing I could drop in & make you smile. You are such an amazing example to many around & an amazing mother to your girls. Showing that when you are weak, He is strong!!!
    M xxx

  82. is it weird to say that I “feel” what you are saying? The indifferance of the everyday life that is focused on the NOW the”I’m alone without you even though I have our children all about me” feeling. There hasn’t been a word invented to convey that type of “feeling”. You touch my heart. I only know you through your words, through your photos, but I am real. I feel for you, I was once “you” a few years ago with 4 chicks of my own. Be strong and know that HE is alway with you. Now that my chicks have grown and I am REALLY alone, I cling to HIS words. But sometimes it is nice to connect with another who knows the “what if’s” and the “what will I do?s”. You have a sister. She is real. She has survived, barely. Thank you for sharing. thank you for YOUR strength.

  83. I wish i lived close by to you, ’cause i’d be coming over to give you a great big hug! Your posts are always o honest and inspiring, good and bad, you own up to it, you are my idol. Sending you big hugs and prayers.

  84. This post made me cry. I can’t imagine the worry you experience each day. It breaks my heart to know that so many women go through these same struggles daily. I hope you at least have an early retirement to look forward to 🙂 I don’t know much about the military but I think this is one of its perks??

  87. You’re much stronger than you know. Keep plugging away, a day at a time..there truly will be sunshine one day and you will be even stronger. Bless you all, sending prayers.

  88. Steph- sending warm thoughts your way for you and your kidlets. May your hubby return home safe and sound real soon. Thanks for sharing, even on those days that just suck!

  89. Stephanie, I wish there was something I could do for you, but you have really hit the nail on the head. Let go and let God… Only He can help you and you can submit to his will. I know that is easier said than done especially when you don’t know what His will is. Just know that you have a lot of people praying for you and your girls and your Jimmy. Big hugs! I hope you feel better soon.

  93. Stephanie, you are not only strong, you are also brave, you go through so much everytime J’s away (and I know it’s so much harder with the evens of the last couple of weeks). I really feel for you and I wish I could give you a big hug.

  94. Stephanie, How long is J deployed for this time? Continue to pray for you and the girls each morning. In our weakness, HE IS STRONG…

  98. You don’t know some of us at all, but we are all praying for you and your husband and your girls. And we all admire the strength you have to even give your fears to God and keep going.

  99. You are so right, every one is struggling, maybe not in the same way but we all have our hardships. Wishing you mountains of sunshine, smiles and hugs, but try to allow the sadness sometimes too (just like you do).

  100. Stephanie, I am not religious and I sincerely believe being true to yourself keeps you strong. Your own truth, honesty, faith and bravery shines out of your posts. I can only imagine the anxiety you are going through, but it is OK to feel that way – it certainly doesn’t make you weak, in my opinion. Keep positive and trust that your hubby (and his regiment) will stay safe xx

  103. I disagree. With your admission of weakness comes strength. You are strong for knowing you do not have to embody strength at all times. You are strong for reaching out to people to tell them that you don’t feel strong. You are strong for him. You always have been, even when it couldn’t feel further from the truth. You *feel weak. Which is OK. You *are Strong.

  104. Yes, it IS okay. All of it. Good for you for giving yourself permission to feel what you feel with no apologies. Adding my hugs, love, prayers, and support into this huge ring of caring to surround you each and every day. xoxo

  106. Sending hugs and more hugs. I believe He will get you through this. Have more pj days. Just be still! You will make it through! Keeping your family in my prayers, and your friends too! I know how hard this has been all you all, especially your recent friend’s loss! Please know that there are many of us praying for you all daily!

  111. Dear Heavenly Father,
    Please watch over Stephanie as she goes through this time without her husband. Give her the strength she needs to be the best mom she can be for her girls. Keep your protective hand on Jimmy as he is away serving his country. Help the girls to love their mom and each other. Be with all the families out there that are going through the same struggles as the Howell family. In Jesus’ Name I pray. Amen.

  112. Words are not enough, so i offer you prayers. For you, for your husband, for your girls. The power of PRAYER is very strong, so continue hanging on to that.

  113. Hi Stephanie. I only “know” you from your blog but i wanted to tell you that I have always admired your strength. You may feel weak but you are anything but. Trust in the Lord. Let there be only one set of footprints in the sand as he carries you through this rough time but know that you are so admired by so many of us for your courage and convictions. Sending you prayers and hugs.

  115. When you need other verses try Ps 27 memorized it and it has been my go to verse when I am fearful—and there is a lot for all of us to fear!
    Praying for you!
    Linda

  116. Hi Stephanie,
    I just discovered your blog this evening and want you to know how moving your “Army” posts are. I have read through several of them already. I am reminded of the same crippling fear, pain, and loneliness of my own time without my husband due to deployments. Having gone through two was the worst time in my life and once again, I am reminded of that old saying, “someone out there always has it worse.” I cannot imagine going through 8 deployments! I lived for those moments on the phone with him, the Skype sessions, the letters, and emails. They were the highlight of my day and I am sure you agree that they don’t last long enough! My husband was awarded the Purple Heart during his second deployment. I am blessed and grateful that he came home! You and your girls will be in my thoughts and prayers as you move through this deployment. I will pray for a safe return of your soldier. Thank you for sharing your stories; they truly are inspiring!
    Much love and hugs,
    Rachel

  118. Rachel, it’s so nice to “meet you!”. I am so very sorry that you had such a bad experience with the military. I really believe it is not for everyone and i am so very glad you were able to do something else :). Please thank your husband for his sacrifice and service. xxo

  121. You are stronger and braver than you think, and J knows this. Hopefully he will be back to you and the girls soon! But it is ok to scared, because it is a scary world out there! Your daughters will learn to be strong women by seeing their mothers example. And a pajama day is always a good thing 🙂

  123. Stephanie, what a moving posting….you and your family are in my prayers. God bless you, sweet one. I pray Jimmy returns home to your arms really soon!