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Stephanie Howell

reading, organizing, shopping, momming too close to the sun. Home is wherever the Army sends us.

I Am That Mom.

 

So you’ve probably seen the article by now. Most likely on Facebook (if you do Facebook) which is where I see it multiple times a day every day.

Dear Mom on the iPhone

It’s been around for a while (years) but for some reason it’s making a resurgence now and being posted again. A lot.

It’s so popular that there have been lots of responses and rebuttals.

This one might be my favorite. I like this one, too.

But y’all. It still irritates the ever-loving spit out of me every single time I see it posted.

So I figured I’d give you my perspective. And maybe it will make me feel a bit better.

source

Yes. I am often on my iPhone at the park. There are many reasons why. And they are probably reasons that not everyone would understand or guess.

Let me fill you in on a little secret. When you are a military wife, and especially one with a deployed husband…phones are your lifeline. Every time that phone rings? You FUMBLE to answer it. Those calls get you from week to week (and sometimes it’s month to month).

You use the phone to email photos of missed birthdays, first steps and lost teeth. You send videos of first words, school plays, and spelling bees. This is not an exaggeration. Jimmy has seen so many firsts (and lasts!) through video and photography.

When a hero is killed that phone is how you connect. You cry together, pray together, sit in silence together. You PRAY that phone will ring after long bouts of silence.

Now add in the working mama piece.

Emails to compose, blog posts to edit, calendars to fill, paychecks to deposit. All on the phone.

Now add in the grocery lists, to do lists, timers, alarm clocks, emails to teachers, etc.

All on the phone.

 

And why do I do this at the park instead of watching my little girl twirl?

Well first off…that doesn’t happen. Magical twirling in the sunshine that is. What really happens is whining

THAT BUG TOUCHED ME!

SADIE POKED ME IN THE EYE!

I’M HUNGRY? DID YOU BRING ME A SNACK?

I’M THIRSTY!

CATE LOOKED AT ME!

and on and on and on.

 

And you know what?

ALL I WANT IS ONE EVERLOVING MINUTE OF SILENCE. I want the four of them to PLAY TOGETHER for a little bit. I am tired. And I miss their daddy terribly.. And I want to take a minute for ME. To get my thoughts in order and breathe.

I want to pin a pretty dress to Pinterest and dream about one day getting to go on a date with J.

I want to write an email to him telling him how much I miss him.

I want to read a chapter of a book or practice an Italian lesson so I can learn to communicate here.

I want to look at photos that my friends (who are SO FAR away) have shared because I miss them terribly.

I have five minutes to get together a grocery list and the park is the perfect place to do it because the girls can entertain themselves.

All.Day.Long. every single day we paint and sing and read and watch YoGabbaGabba and make cookies and take bubble baths. And then we brush hair and clip toenails and brush teeth and do homework. We color, brush MyLittlePony hair, build with Legos. We dance, sing Frozen songs, argue, and laugh. We skip, practice play lines and songs, fall down and have to get BandAids. We drive back and forth and back and forth to post. In the car we sing some more and argue a lot. I have no privacy. No area of our home is sacred and safe from the “MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMMMYYYYY”. Not even the restroom.

 

So YES. I’m on the damn phone at the park. And sometimes during gymnastics and play practice. Because I believe that life will go on and my girls will survive even if I don’t watch them every single second of every single day.

I believe it’s okay to do things for me.

I believe they will be okay (and even flourish) because of this. I believe that encouraging independence and saying “I want to be alone” is OKAY.

I believe that you can experience life fully and embrace meaningful moments. AND that after the fact you can share these moments with an absent spouse via technology. They are not mutually exclusive.

And above all I believe that moms should stop judging other moms. It’s exhausting.

xoxo

S

 

Oh. And P.S…If you would like to encourage my girls to twirl magically in the sunlight feel free. But be forewarned…it will not end well. It will involve flailing limbs and a possible black eye on your end. Because they are, after all, Howells. Magical.

Comments

  1. Well said. Thank you so much for your thoughts. 🙂 that iPhone post makes me crazy as well. Have a lovely day and I hope ou get that elusive quiet moment.

  2. Amen, sistah! Especially like your last line. Why on God’s green Earth do women feel the need to judge other women?!? Here’s hoping you have a great day!

  4. You are the best! Your blog is the best! I just know we’d be darling friends in real life. This is so true and I think you are right, it’s not about the actual thought of watching your kid at the park, it’s about the judgement. As a working, going-to-school mother, I feel that judgement a lot. I needed to read this today.

  9. You always post things at the right time when others need it. I sent this to my cousin. She said that all moms need to make copies and hand them out when someone says something. lol It should not matter to people what anyone else is doing that means they shifted away from their children to pay attention to you! Thank you. Grace

  13. I couldn’t agree me, these are the thoughts I had when I read that article. I’m with my son ALL day so I don’t need to anyone to make me feel bad for taking five minutes for myself while he is happily playing with other kids. I feel like I have to hide my phone when I’m at the park or others will judge, it’s ridiculous!

  16. I’m a mom closer to the other side of mothering, where all my children will be gone and hopefully I will be taking my grandkids to the park. Yes, I believe motherhood is the greatest and hardest job in the world. I have never wanted to do anything else and know that God gifted me with being able to be a full-time mom. It is also boring. You’re a mother 24 hours a day, and it’s exciting or interesting for moments at a time. Someone is being untruthful if they say that they are fully present to their children all their waking hours. Women need to give grace to each other and not find reasons to tear one another down.

  18. I love this!!! It kind of goes along the lines of don’t judge a mom for snapping at her kid for a seemingly “little” thing when you have NO idea the kind of day she’s dealt with or what is going on in her life.
    I had that happen at dinner on Mother’s Day. My pre-teen said something snotty to me for the 49534572908 time and I’d had enough. It was Mother’s day and yet for my entire family it was a regular Sunday. So I lost my cool, said something snotty back and walked off to the bathroom. Not my finest moment but it is what it is. Another mother who saw this looked at me & did that snotty sigh/laugh like she couldn’t believe how I’d reacted. Then she did it AGAIN when I came back.
    Sure, some parents are disconnected and don’t pay attention to their kids. But there are SO many more who just need 15 freaking minutes to be on their phone. Then again, some people will judge others no matter what.

  19. And as a side note, are people this judgmental of a mom who’s reading a book and “not paying attention” to her kids? Or a magazine? I’m guessing not.

  20. I only have two girls, my husband is not in the military and I don’t work from home… and I couldn’t agree with you more!!

  22. Thanks for posting this Stephanie! I a billion percent agree with you.
    While I can gather the basic concept of being “present” with our kids was the basis of that “mum on the iphone” blurb, the preachiness of it drives me nuts. And besides that, the fact it is targeted at “mum on the iphone” smacks of so much freaking sexsim and gender stereotyping it makes me want to scream!
    It’s like that viral video doing the rounds with the poet guy telling people to get off social media – again, it has a basic concept that is valid, but the whole fawning over what an eye-opener the video is, is really giving me the sh*ts.!!
    While there are people who basically do ignore their kids all.the.time (which is incredibly sad), or are deliberately neglectful or abusive (which is downright tragic), that is not most people.
    Everyone is different and parents their kids and lives their lives in the way they can according to their circumstances.
    So yep, after that ramble, I just wanted to say rock on. I love reading your blog about your time in Italy, and that you don’t sugarcoat the tough times either. Keep it up!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 Cheers, Lee

  24. Amen sister! Please lets stop the mom bashing! No matter who you are, or how you do it, this mom thing is tough. And we need to support each other! BTW, love the last part about your girls twirling, sounds like what happens when my girl twirls! watch out world!

  26. OMG – I couldn’t stop laughing because… I feel the exact same way!! Rock on, sister!!

  27. Do not let anyone judge you or make you feel inferior. You are doing the very best you can everyday often without any help or back up. All you need to do is to look at those beautiful happy little girls & know your best is more than enough! I wish we lived closer so I could help even for a little while.

  31. Well said…well said…
    If we spent half the time encouraging, supporting, and building one another up, ***just think***
    how much better off we would all be.
    🙂

  32. Bravo! Agreed so sick of the judgey McJudgements….no one knows the other persons situation or reason…..if we all can’t be supportive of each other as Mothers then what hope do we give our daughters.

  34. Aww.. Michelle, that sucks. I wish people would just stay out of other peoples’ business. There was no need for that lady to behave the way she did. We have no reason to judge others like that. I have had that happen more times than I care to remember. I am fed up of it. I had a lady about a month ago give me crap for chewing my 16 yr old daughter’s butt for being disrespectful towards me. Her behavior, in my house, is not acceptable. Apparently, according to this lady I was to swallow it because that is just being a teen. Ugh!!! Needless to say, I kind of snapped back at that lady. My kids are spaced so far apart that I have been dealing with it a lot longer than I care to.
    Being a parent is hard enough without all the judgmental garbage from others. I totally agree with you, Steph. I am with my kids all.the.time. I am not a military wife. But I am a wife with a husband that works A LOT! So, essentially, I have raised my kids alone. There is nothing wrong with taking time for yourself.

  36. Love it! You’re the best! Keeping it real! My girls are grown but I remember oh so well the desperation I felt for a minute of peace with NO ONE talking to me! Didn’t have a phone then but I always brought a book to gymnastics and swim practice just to have time for me while they were otherwise occupied. Oh and they turned out to be two beautiful, socially graceful, gainfully employed college graduates with whom I have a wonderful relationship even though I “ignored” them some of the time during those crazy-inducing years. Great post!

  37. I am sure that your phone brings many joys to you and to Jimmy when he is away, but……people survived well without these phones for many years. My husband traveled a LOT when the children were young, but somehow we managed. I moved several times and really missed my friends. We used the telephone and snail mail to keep in touch. And we waited for 5 days for photos to be developed. Imagine that! LOL
    Yes, I was often bored when I sat in the park or at activities, eyes glazed over. I took my needlework to keep myself occupied, or I wrote letters or made lists.
    I am NOT judging mothers or anyone else, except for our “instant society”, where everyone wants everything right now. But maybe there is a reason that the post “Dear Mom on the Phone” hit a nerve…….it hit a nerve with me and I do not even have children at home!
    I am not saying that 100% of everything children do needs to be focused on, but we all know what a time-suck that phone can be as we skip from one site to another, one text to another, one e-mail to another…..and all of a sudden, an hour is GONE. Gone forever.
    I went out for dinner a couple of weeks ago, with 4 women my age, and during the long meal, no one used an iPhone. What an absolute delight!

  39. I raised 8 kids, his, mine and ours. It was tough, tough, tough. No phones or computers, either. Imagine taking all the kids grocery shopping, or just shopping. I could not do that even on a good day. Thankfully, his kids were of babysitting age so while I went to the store, I would take the baby with, maybe a couple of the younger kids.
    I am sure I was judged, well…actually I was for having such a large family and had the nerve to have one more. A litter, I believe that was said.
    Anyway, I enjoy your honesty and frustration at times. You are so honest about it all. I admire the modern woman, today. All too often they work while raising children. God be with them all!
    Keep it up, love your blog, lady. Thank your hubby for his service, too!!

  42. Sing it Sister! If only we all would spend our efforts praising, loving,and enjoying each other think how great it would be.

  46. If you can survive…they will thrive. Period. I am a big believer of the “until you walk a mile in their shoes” philosophy. You just don’t know, even when you are in it up to your eyeballs, if you are doing it right…you second guess yourself, worry, fret over every decision you make and don’t make. At the end of the day you collapse and thank God that everyone survived with all limbs intact. Not that you spent every single second making magical memories, but that you survived without your head coming off like a rocket and limbs every where. You try. Hard. At the end of the day, even when you lay there weeping in frustration and exhaustion you know that you tried your best, and sister that is absolutely good enough. Cheers to you for acknowledging what we are sometimes afraid to. That we are far from perfect, but we are giving it all we have and that is good enough for our family. Bless you and that wonderful family and all that you do DO chica.

  47. I so agree! Many people have reasons to be on their phone and no one should judge. My “thing” is that we always hear that families should eat dinner together each night. We don’t usually eat dinner together as a family of 5. My husband often works late or travels. My kids love their track, dance, soccer, etc. We are a busy family like every other family. But we all 5 go to all of the kids sporting events and academic awards together whenever we are all available. We also spend a month at the beach together. So although we don’t eat dinner together, we do plenty of other things as a family. Every family has their own family thing. Each family has different ways of connecting. So each family should celebrate their family time and not worry about what everyone else does. I love your post and completely agree!

  48. You should have added “and we used to walk 2 miles uphill each way to school in a blizzard” to your first paragraph.

  50. That article annoys the living crap out of me! It gets my blood boiling every time I see it. I love your response and appreciate you taking the time to tell the other side of the story.

  54. Well said! I actually commented back on the woman who wrote it’s blog post a while back. No one knows how much time you spend with your children on a daily basis. I spend all of my time with my kids. I am a teacher so they ride (fight and yell at each other the whole way) with me to and from work. They are at school. I am home with them all evening. My husband works weekends, so I am with them on my own on weekends. I think we all deserve a break when we can get one. I said something along those lines to that lady. You said it more eloquently. Ha. Have a great day, and use your mobile device until your heart is content 🙂

  55. Right? And with the Kindle app or the library’s ebook app, I probably AM reading a book when I’m on my phone.

  56. Right on. I’ve been a full-time, at-home mom, a work-at-home mom with kids at home, and now a work-at-hoem mom with kids in daycare. Even when I’m NOT watching my kids’ every, single, damn movement and breath every, single, damn second of the day and slowly dying of boredom in between moments of pure love and joy, even when it’s a day when they’re both in daycare instead of at home, I spend time doing my own thing. It’s not just because I need it — lord knows I do — but because THEY need it. My two boys need to see a mommy who loves to work and read and write and use her brain to do things that don’t revolve solely around her family so they can grow up to be two men who love and support their spouses when they want to work and read and write and use their brains. They also need to learn how to play by themselves, with each other, with kids they just met at the playground — with anyone except me or their dad. While they really are the center of my universe, they are not the centers of everyone else’s, and it’s a good thing for them to learn.
    Hope J takes care and is back with you soon!!! xoxoxooooo

  59. Can not agree more! I talk to him on Face Time in the grocery store, during PTA meetings, and whenever he calls. My girls are fine as well. They play. They laugh. All good. That is my time. Agreed. Never said better.

  61. giggling over your P.S. 🙂
    love your words here Steph…especially as a homeschooling mom, my kiddos get me all.day.long. every day. so i don’t feel guilty using my phone at times. and other times, i recognize when it’s taking too much of me and i put it down. balance for me. 🙂 and generous compassion towards others. (praying for you while J is away, sweet friend!)

  62. This is exactly where I am and how I feel! I have been that mom on my phone or with a book at the park because I needed 5 minutes to myself. We need to stop judging each other and acting like we have all the answers, I work harder as a mom than I ever have/will at any other job and there are times where I just need to find me again even if only for 5 minutes at the park.

  63. I might look like that Mom. I’m at the park with a precious 2 year old that I babysit while her parents work. I’m on the phone if her mother texts to find out how her daughter’s day is going. I’m using my phone to take a picture or a video to send to her mother. I’m invested in making sure the daughter has a great day and that her mother knows how she is doing. I might even be on the phone with one of my teenage children. Even though they might not be at the park with me, I’m still available for them.

  64. I had boys and Boy Scouting and Little League etc. I did not have a phone in those days, but I did a lot of reading, chatting, and was sometimes distracted. But I always stayed and sometimes helped out. I mean I was present. Totally unlike so many other parents who dropped off, disappeared, figured they were not needed. So not true. Just showing up is what the child wants. Just being there if they hurt themselves. In fact during baseball my son was hit square in the mouth. He was covered in blood. The dads were stunned. But it was mom, me, who ran to the child, picked up the child and then ran to the car to get immediate transport and medical care. The dads watched with their mouths open. Sheesh.

  65. NAILED IT! Deployment day #2 here and you made me laugh so hard I almost, well….I better go potty now! (I’ll bring my phone in case it rings)
    Thanks! You’re the best.

  66. I totally agree. We don’t need to cater to our children’s every waking moment – how else will they learn some independence, self confidence & to respect other peoples time? My kiddos know that I love them to pieces & love to be with them. But sometimes Mommy just needs a moment of peace & quiet. If I can zone out for a few moments & refocus, I will be in a much better mood to listen to “Mommy!” a few hundred more times before bed 🙂

  67. I agree but little by little I’m getting to the point where I don’t really care what anyone thinks except those I love. Leaving facebook was a biggie for me. It sucks that I miss the good but there’s so much negativity that it was well worth it.

  69. Amen girl. nobody ever knows why anyone does what they do. they would have to walk a day or two in someone else’s shoes. I have learned as I have gone through our situation that sometimes things aren’t as they seem and never to judge others. life is hard, life sucks sometimes and we all just need to support one another.
    xoxo
    tara

  70. Just be yourself and don’t give a thought to the judgy Facebook moms. They need to get off FB more. My daughters are teens, I was a stay at home mom w/ a husband that was gone long hours. If I didn’t ignore the bickering here & there or just veg out for a few minutes w/ a magazine or book I think I would have gone crazy. Had there been iPhones when they were little, I am sure I would have had mine out at the park!
    My girls are confident & independent and know they are well loved. Sometimes now all 3 of us are on our phones when we are together!
    Enjoy your sweet girls and take time for yourself when you can get it!

  71. Totally love this! I know that leaving my two boys to play, fight, negotiate is part of learning. I am there when they need me, but I don’t have to be by their side constantly. I recently found a great post via Facebook that is of a similar nature… here’s the link if you’re interested… http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bunmi-laditan/im-done-making-my-kids-childhood-magical_b_5062838.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false
    Love always connecting with you via the blog world x

  72. I forgot to add earlier that I don’t get the “twirling” part of the lady’s comment. I have three girls. They only “twirl” when they are at dance class and have to. They don’t twirl at the park. They fight! Or act wild and run off in every direction. Or want something to eat. Or need to go to the bathroom. I don’t know any mom of girls that has a joyous twirling time at the park. Most moms of girls I know wanted to pull their hair out after an afternoon at the park. And I commented about dinners above. Our “family” dinners were always so stressful when the kids were little. I need this, I don’t like that, etc.! I was so stressed out by the time dinner was over! The most fun dinner for me is when it’s my husband and I alone at a restaurant (which we can’t afford with having three kids in countless activities).

  73. Like everyone else, I just HAD to comment. 🙂 As an active duty US Navy Sailor married to my husband, another active duty Sailor, I’m behind you 100%. He just got back from a 9 month deployment where I was a single parent to our now 2.5 year old. I DON’T HAVE TIME TO JUDGE THE REST OF THE MOMS EITHER!! Those articles make me mad too. I’m sure my neighbors think all sorts of tthings while I sit in my driveway on my iPad, but I honestly don’t care. (Thank goodness I don’t live in base housing or the gossip would REALLY fly!) We are all fighting battles as moms. Why can’t we all be on the same team?!? Thanks for your amazing words. I got your back, sister!!!

  74. Very well said Stephanie! I was a single mom for many years and I can’t get over how quickly others can judge. Have you walked in our shoes? Do you know what we go through at times…your girls will flourish because of you and not what others think. hugs!!

  75. I love to read your posts. So real, raw, genuine and funny as ever. I often think of a world where women support each other without judging. Talk about a force of nature! Thank you for sharing the flip side.

  76. Not exactly on the same topic with phones and such (more on balancing motherhood in general), but perhaps this article might be slightly more fitting (and then again, who knows, maybe not). 🙂 It resonated with me.

  78. I love how you write. You’re so right on point and your words permeate in my heart as I read. I love it. You do so much with your girls. I really respect you because I’m a lazy mom when it comes to entertaining my kids. I need to be more selfless and be creative with my kids. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I agree with you about judging other moms. Judging has no good ending anyways.

  79. I have to say, my heart sank a little when I saw the title of this post. Thinking “oh for goodness sakes, would y’all just leave this woman alone and quit criticizes absolutely everything she ever does and/or doesn’t do”. Steph – you are one of the most amazing mothers out there! You put your life on this blog each and every post and share with us the most amazing adventures that the Howell Family is experiencing as they happen. I for one think you are incredible! Hopefully you are able to shrug off the critics cause they will always be out there and poor them – they don’t get to share in your adventures the way the rest of us do – they twist and turn something and try to make you out to be something you’re not. Keep doing what you’re doing – we all love you for it!! xo

  80. Thank you for writing this Stephanie. That is exactly how I feel most days and I only have two little girls :)And I could not agree more, moms need some time for themselves to recharge, to put things in perspective, to gather the last little pieces of patience to be able to shower their children with love again. I truly believe that a happy mommy equals happy kiddos. So we have to look after ourselves to be able to lovingly look after our little ones!

  81. Totally totally totally agree. Couldn’t put it any better. You are an inspiration and amazing women. I love reading your inner thoughts. Thank you for being you 🙂 x