About a month ago something happened to me that I will never forget. What happened hurt me but it also tilted my earth on its axis and made me reframe and rethink so many things.
Let me give you a little back story.
In May I attended a military ball with Jimmy. This was a community event…basically a military appreciation type thing. Couples from the community sponsored military folks. The event was in a convention center and the way that it was set up is that there were 8 people at each table. Two military couples and two civilian sponsors.
It was a black tie event. I haven’t had to dress up like that in a long time. Not since I had Cora. I went through five dresses that didn’t fit until I tried this one and I loved it. I felt a little self conscious but I felt pretty. And I was so proud to be on Jimmy’s arm. And I was OVERJOYED to get to put on pretty makeup and get out of the house and have a special night.
At the event we were seated next to a nice local couple. The woman was super friendly and we chatted off and on all night. I’ve never met a stranger, and we definitely hit it off. I spoke a bit about my five daughters and the challenges military families face.
All in all it was a beautiful evening. When I got home the woman I sat next to friended me on Facebook and started following me on IG.
Some time passed and I went about my life. During this time I decided that I wanted to start making better eating choices. I hadn’t stepped on a scale in years and this wasn’t tied to a number. I just wanted to FEEL better and be STRONGER.
Literally the night I started eating healthier and exercising again, I got two Facebook voice messages from my new friend from the ball.
This moment will be vividly ingrained in my mind for the rest of my life. I was sitting in the van waiting for Sadie to get out of soccer. I had a new lipstick and sunglasses on and I was feeling so proud of myself for exercising. I clicked on the speaker icon and began to listen to the messages. I heard “I’ve been thinking about you” and I got a big grin on my face…I’ve needed a new friend for a while and it made me feel so special.
But then the moment spiraled into a nightmare. I’m going to copy this part from a Facebook post I wrote because the post was written in the heat of the moment and can convey my emotions much better.
On my first night of healthy eating I got a message from a acquaintance who also happens to be a MLM supplement distributor.
It was the most crushing and mortifying thing that has ever happened to me and I will most likely remember it for the rest of my life.
She said that she noticed that when she was sitting next to me at the ball I recently went to that my dress was really tight and I looked uncomfortable. She also pointed out that I seemed to be covering my stomach with a napkin because I was self conscious.
At this point she mentioned that she sold weight loss supplements and she would love to help me lose that weight.
You know what? I **was** covering my stomach. I’m terribly self conscious about it. And her saying those words to me was like a literal slap across the face. It was if she exposed my deepest secrets and attacked my worst insecurities.
At that point I closed out the message and did not listen to the rest of it. I don’t care to know what all she had to say. There was a second voice memo that I didn’t even open.
The worst part about all of this? I had it on speaker and my daughters heard. YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THEIR FACES. I have worked so hard to build a culture of body positivity in this family. And it all came crumbling down with that one message.
She devastated me. A special night (one in which I felt quite beautiful) now feels tainted and ruined.
Let me tell everyone something. Preying on vulnerabilities and shame doesn’t work. It’s repulsive and disgusting and predatory. Seeking out weakness and profiting off of it is GROSS.
Two days later and I’m still so mad I could spit nails. I’m shaking as I type this.
No one gets to comment on anyone else’s weight. What if I had a eating disorder and this triggered me? What if it triggered depression? I am strong and resilient and I have a good support system and I know better than to tie my self worth to this. But what if I didn’t?
If you are in direct sales and you’ve done something like this to someone you need to apologize NOW. No ifs, ands, or buts.
If you’re thinking about sending a message like this, don’t do it. Don’t. It’s eviscerating.
I’m BEYOND embarrassed to talk about this but I think it’s important to bring it into the light. Women should not be preying on other women’s insecurities in order to make a paycheck.
I have struggled with body image and self-confidence my entire life. I’d be lying if I said this didn’t take the wind out of me. But like I teach my girls… I’m using this to make me stronger. I deserve better than those ugly, damaging words.
So to recap. A woman I barely knew felt that it was appropriate to reach out via social media and tell me I needed to lose weight. And she wanted to sell me products to help me look better.
Oh, and three of these five beautiful faces heard every word.
Man. It’s now a month later and I am still teary just thinking about it.
Listen. I’m almost 42 years old. I know that her words don’t define my worth. But they effing HURT. Her words hurt and made me feel so much shame and embarrassment. I had a major setback on that night. I lost a piece of my happiness and my joy and became a little less me.
And the worst part? Friend after friend after friend has contacted me with their *own* stories of predatory sales tactics. From their FRIENDS. People using death, divorce, deployments, and post pregnancy bodies for financial gain. I’ve been HORRIFIED.
I have basically been turned off of direct sales for life. This isn’t an exaggeration. That’s how powerful her words were. I’ve also doubled down on loving and encouraging other women. Every day I speak loving and affirming words to as many humans as I can.
I don’t think my commitment to kind words can erase the memory of her message in my mind. I literally cringe every time I think about it. BUT. I do hope that my kindness can make others feel valued and loved.
That’s it for today. Sorry for the novel/brain dump…I guess I needed to type this all out, ha!
So what’s the point of all this? What’s my takeaway for you? Well, first of all, I want you to know that your words have power. Every single one of them. Your words have the power to brighten someone’s day or to take up residence in their tender heart and hurt them for the rest of their life. So choose wisely.
Oh, and if you’ve thought about trying to sell something to someone based on their insecurities and their pain..just don’t. Okay? And it’s never too late to apologize if you’ve intentionally or unintentionally done something like this.
Love to all of you- you are special and loved and important.
xoxo
S
