or she is him. whatever. but i’m going with the rhyming thing.

if harper is my clone, then sadie is jimmy’s.

it’s amazing how much of him i see in her.

she’s introspective. doesn’t feel the need to blurt out every single thing that is in her mind. she lets things marinate. i always want to say “WHAT’S WRONG???” when she is quiet.

when she isn’t chatting.

but i learned long ago with her daddy that that isn’t the route to take. just let her sit. and think.

she got that from him.

she’s grumpy when she wakes up.

don’t even try talking to her. and the look she gives? oooh if looks could kill.

glaring at me through her bangs…i catch a glimpse of the teenage years and it ain’t pretty.

don’t you dare talk to her until she’s out of that morning funk.

she got that from him.

when she listens to music she just chills. really listens. doesn’t feel the need to DANCE DANCE SING SING like her sister.

just stares out the window and listens. she really enjoys music. and i get the feeling she appreciates it. whereas her sister doesn’t really take the time to really listen to it.

she got that from him.

she has a cleft in her chin.

loyalty and fierce love in her heart. but she doesn’t wear it on her sleeve. you have to work for it. and once you earn it, you’ve got it forever.

she got that? from him. big time.

she can be snappy. moody. but she also has a goofy, hilarious side. the side that only people who REALLY know her get to see.

she actually comes across as shy when you first meet her.

she can make me laugh until i cry.

she’s funny in a really witty way, which is surprising considering she’s only (nearly) three.

she gets frustrated really really easily. and when she gets hurt, bumps into something she gets REALLY mad. and yells.

the baby version of her daddy.

she got all of it from him.

he was my heart long before i knew her. and now she’s claimed a big ole piece of my heart for her own.

happy saturday!

xo

*first- thank you so much for each one of you opening up and sharing your hearts on my last post. i loved reading each and every response. thank you for your words of encouragement and advice.*

it’s funny that she is the most like me and she has the ability to drive me the most nuts.

nuttiest? nutsiest? nuttier?

anyway, she does.

She’s a typical first child. Just like I was (am?). She’s a little bossy, but we are nipping that bad boy in the bud. She’s a little mommy.

Jimmy laughs at us b/c oh does she ever frustrate me sometimes. And I frustrate her. He will watch us frustrating each other and die laughing b/c we are the SAME person.

she is a talker. just like me.

she can talk for hours straight. one big run-on sentence. without even pausing to take so much as a breath.

it’s exhausting. it makes my brain feel like it’s going to explode and fall out of my ears. and she got it from me.

she’s a klutz. i once saw her get caught up in her own limbs, twirl around, before falling over backwards and landing in a laundry basket.

i laughed so hard i cried.

she got that? from me.

She’s extremely sensitive. And high-strung. She cries at the drop of a hat. Big, gulping, i-cant-get-a-word-out sobs. Like her heart is breaking. It breaks MY heart.

She got that from me.

If you send her to get something for you? She can NOT get it. She just can’t.

Yesterday I sent her to get me a tissue. She came back with a trash bag. The other day I sent her to get Sadie a bath towel. First she brought me a baby diaper. !??!!? Then, she brought me a HAND TOWEL.

OH FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, it is exasperating.

And oh yes…she got that from me. Ask my mom. She’ll tell you. Definitely got it from me.

She’s a ham. Precocious. All the world is her stage. She’s always putting on a show, acting out something. Her personality is a little over the top.

And you guessed it, all from me. Her mama was *ahem* Tom Sawyer in her high school production of Big River.

I used to do “routines” on the trampoline to Jump Jump by Kris Kross and made my parents come watch. HAHAH!

thankyouverymuch.

She loves with all of her heart. And she depends a little too much on what everyone thinks of her. If she is doing the right thing, getting approval.

And we are working on that. Because I don’t like being like that. And I’ve worked hard to overcome it.

Yes, she got that from me.

She is fearfully and wonderfully made…

and she has the ability to make me feel fearful and wonderful all at once.

That’s my girl.

Sometimes I can’t believe I had a part in making her. She is such a joy.

happy thursday!!

xo

s

as i watched cate sleeping last night i thought a lot about the question i get often.

“are you done?” i prefer this over “are you going to try one more time for a boy?”

b/c i think that’s just silly.

and you may think *i* am silly. or crazy. for even thinking about this right now. for even thinking about this during these days of sleep deprivation. these days of diaper after diaper, relentless wails and relentless, exhausting feedings.

how can i even think about that?

because i love them so much.

i love all of them so much. in different ways.

my heart has the capacity for so much love. my arms have so many hugs to give. my lips have so many kisses (and admonitions!) to give. my eyes have so many tears left to shed, so many looks to give jimmy over small heads. my feet have so many measured, dancing paces to make while i hold a sleeping baby.

the thought of doing something permanent so that there will be no more terrifies me. but some days i *know* i want it.

you should have seen me, 8 months pregnant with the twins, in the OB waiting room. there was a flyer for “permanent sterilization” seminars. and i stared that sucker down. thinking “oh yes. oh just you wait seminar. i will be seeing you soon”.

but yet…when my doctor asked me that question at my postpartum appointment last week, when he asked me if i’d like to schedule an operation, i froze. i had no answer for him…except for that i wasn’t ready.

but i just don’t know.

i NEVER neverevereverever would have thought i’d have four children.

before i had children, i was resolute. there would be two. only two.

i admire my friends who can say that after one. or two. “oh yes, this is it. we are DONE. no more babies for us”.

will i ever feel that way?

just as you aren’t ever ready to have a baby, are you ever ready to not have any more?

jimmy is such a wonderful father. i try to be a good mother.

these children are my life.my heart. my despair. my happiness.

i should probably stop.

who am i anyway, angelina jolie? i don’t have the same bank roll she does. if i did, this might not even be an issue.

i’m already 33 1/2. i want to be able to enjoy our retirement together, have some time for each other again.

i don’t know if i should stop. do i even have a choice? sadie came to us when we were not ready. not trying.

God knows my future. maybe i’m overthinking this.

i’m crazy! i should be DONE. i should be one of those women right now. the ones who can calmly say oh NO! when they are asked if they will have any more children.

i should be, and yet i’m not.

jimmy is not certain either. in fact, he is more an advocate of big families than i am. if you met cadet howell ten years ago, when i did…this would SHOCK you. jimmy howell wanting five children? HELL NO. i wouldn’t have believed it for a second.

but i also wouldn’t have believed that he’d be wearing a tiara, playing dress up or acting out tea party.

and now he’s the one who shrugs a gentle shrug, with a coy smile on his face when they ask.

and me? it varies. some days i may look at you with spit up in my hair, shirt on inside out, glasses crooked, dried tears of frustration on my cheeks and shriek NOOOOOOOOOOOOO like a banshee.

some days, i may say maybe.

and with this post, i’m off to check myself into the insane asylum.

b/c i’ve clearly lost my everloving mind.

xo

s

J asked me how many readers I have. And I truly don’t know! I mean, I can make an educated guess…sitemeter tells me a bit.

But I don’t think it includes subscribers (in other words, those of you who get my blog posts in your inbox and then don’t have to actually click on my blog).

Here’s where you come in. Leave a comment on this post. Well, If you want to. I’m not going to force anyone. Ha!

Tell me how you found me, or what you are doing this weekend, ask me a question you’d like answered, give me a topic you’d like me to blog about… or anything at all. Just say hi, if you are so inclined!

I’m so excited to meet all of you. I truly have the best blog readers in the world…so many of you say you never comment b/c I could never possibly read them all, and that’s not true!

I have my comments sent to my inbox and read each and every one of them.

And trust me, I need something to read on my iPhone when I’m feeding the babies all night long (sidenote: the iPhone has revolutionized nursing for me. HA!)

Happy happy Saturday! xoxo

1.first up, the winners from the giveaway:

Chloe’s Cuties Gift Card:

Box of Scrap Goodies #1:

Box of Scrap Goodies #2: