it’s been six weeks today. not bad, but when i put that in context of what is
ahead of us, i sort of freak out.
so i can’t do that. i can’t look at this thing as a whole. i have to take it day by day.
by the grace of God i wake up each morning and make it through
one more day with the girls.
I watch Sadie begin to crawl, knowing he missed this with both girls.
I wonder if he will ever see one of our babies at this age.
I look ahead and imagine him missing her learning to walk, to talk…
and i think about how hard that must be for him.
I watch Harper get taller every day, watch her make sense of the world around
her with her neverending questions.
I listen to her when she wakes up and says
“‘Member Daddy? I ‘Member Daddy!” And she lists every single thing
they love to do together…(including DADDY TAKE ME IN CAR AND PWAY MUSIC WEAL LOUD!!!!) but i’ll let that one slide.
I lay in bed every night and hold my pillow thinking about him,
about the way he smells and feels, and how much he loves me.
About the way he is so protective of us, and about the cleft in his chin.
And every night I imagine the moment when we will see him again,
the girls in their yellow ribbon tutus, and me in some seriously cute,
way too expensive outfit.
I think about his face when he first sees us, and I think about Harper yelling “DADDY!”
and that is how I fall asleep every night.
I refuse to let that what if
invade my mind. There is no other option.