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Stephanie Howell

reading, organizing, shopping, momming too close to the sun. Home is wherever the Army sends us.

how does it feel?

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how does it feel to love him? yeah…that's a tricky one.

complicated.

you see,it feels like my safe place. you know when a storm is raging outside? thunder and lighting and torrential downpours? and you are inside under a down quilt with your favorite book?

that's how it feels to love him.

but it's also terrifying and uncertain. it's not constant. it's not usual. it's anything but usual.

how does it feel to love him?

it feels natural. like i was born to do it. born to be his wife. to hold his hand, to bear his children and his last name.

it feels prickly. uneasy. like an ill-fitting coat i can't wait to shed. the being apart. the fear. it feels uneasy.

how does it feel to love him?

like i'm the luckiest girl in the world.

some days it feels like i don't know if i can do it. i worry. i fret. i miss him terribly.

when i am getting ready for him to go it is excruciating. it's the worst part. i say terrible things, act grumpy, get mad for NO conceivable reason. it's a defense mechanism, you see. it's what i do. i see it coming and i despise it…but i do it regardless. seven deployments,coming up on eight, and i STILL do it.

how does it feel to love him?

it feels like a gift.

like a precious gift. one that isn't guaranteed to last forever.but what is? all i can do is cherish it. cherish our time and love him with every fibre of my being.

how does it feel to love him?

like a privelege. 

an honor.

and for him to love me in return? makes this life worth living. it makes this life beautiful. he has giving me this life i never thought i would lead. but oh how i love it.

that's the way i choose to look at it. the way i chooose to interpret it.

right now i'm in a weird place. teetering on the edge of "can i do this?" and "i am GOING to do this". dealing with a lot of emotions. writing these words is like a salve to my heart and my fears.

i am his and he is mine. and it is a gift.

xoxo

s

 

Comments

  1. I love all your posts, Stephanie, and this one is extra special. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with all of us. That’s an honor. All of us Lynches are praying for you guys! 🙂

  3. (((hugs))) from one military wife to another. Just ((hugs)). And thanks for your beautiful words. I am so happy for the love you have been blessed with, and the love you bless the world with. God is good.
    Love, Fontaine

  4. Gosh! You get me EVERY time!!! I absolutely love your posts….the are so true and heartfelt. I swear Stephanie, you need to write a book!!!!

  6. You and J have an incredible love. Thank you for sharing it with us. Whenever you write posts like this, I always want to be able to do the same, but I don’t seem to find the words. Or at least when I try, I’m not satisfied with what I put down on paper. Your words are almost as beautiful as you and J (and the girls, of course!).

  7. Beautifully said!! You have such a way with words! You will make it, however hard it may be. You have before and you will again. He’ll be home again one day soon for you all are what I’m sure he lives and strives for above anything else in the world. {HUGS}

  8. You are such a beautiful couple – inside and out. Thanks for sharing part of your world with us.

  9. Thinking of you, Steph. I am sure it is hard to see him leave. Like Tami said, he will be home again. Stay safe, Jimmy!!! Hugs to all of you!!!

  11. I’m not a militaty wife but an Air Force brat who endured many godbyes to my dad in all those years. I certainly understand the defense mechanisms in place now. I had a wonderful role model in my mom who was the strongest woman ever. Growing up I felt she could do anything. You are being that same role model for your 4 little chicks.
    Big hugs!!!

  12. I need to proofread better— should say military… I hope all the school work I have done in the last 3 hours does not have a bunch of typpos.

  14. Your posts are always so touching! Thank you for being a wonderful military wife and supporting a wondeful military man. My first thoughts were this: you’ve done it before and you’ll do it again. Not that it will be any easier, but you’ll just do it. If it helps at all, as a fan of yours, I am sad when J has to leave you and the girls as well. My heart aches. But you 5 women are far stronger than I will ever be and that cannot be the worst thing. My heart is with you all. And your blogosphere will be here to support you through it.

  17. such beautiful, honest, and raw words as you are preparing for this deployment. sending you love and prayers and cheering your whole family on!!!!

  18. You are SO strong and so is your love. Saying a prayer for you and your family that you will find comfort and peace through this difficult time.

  19. BEAUTIFUL post!! you ARE strong and you ARE doing this!! the picture of you and j is just lovely!! 🙂
    hugs and love, sweet friend!! xo

  21. You have me crying this morning. What a beautiful post. May God bless you all and give you the strength you need every day.

  23. Your life and mine are so very different but they lead us to many of the same feelings with regard to our relationships with the men that we love. Thanks for expressing so beautifully what it’s like to love someone when that love comes with pain too – and more importantly, why it’s worth it for the right man. Never question your strength – courage isn’t not being scared. It’s forging on even when you are scared. And you have done plenty of that…that is strength.

  24. Well said and beautiful. Thanks for sharing your life with us. God bless you as you begin yet another journey. It will be difficult, but you have what it takes.

  26. Love your honesty about this. You are an amazing woman! Will be praying for all of you during this time preparing for his deployment and your time apart.

  29. I left a comment on facebook last night for this post, but I wanted to leave you another one!
    I just wanted to tell you THANK You again to your family and all the other military families for your HUGE sacrifice. Your daily struggles and life without your guy have got to be so very hard and I wanted to let you know I appreciate you and what you do to keep the home going and celebrating who your hubby is, because without women like YOU our men wouldn’t have anyone to fight for….THANK YOU!
    also, I am so proud of all you do, how you are just yourself and yet, so vulnerable. never change.
    tara

  32. this post has brought tears, I can’t imagine what I would be like to have my husband coming and going…it must be hard but you are so lucky to have him, he looks like such a kind and good man, he will be okay, not only do you pray for him while he’s gone, the rest of us do too 🙂 oxox

  33. you are so strong and i look forward to seeing what you do with this deployment… from scrapping, to fitness, to the best glass of wine… smoooch..

  34. I love the raw ho esty of your post. I have the utmost respect for what you manage to achieve while your husband is deployed. I will keep you n my thoughts as you triumph over the tough time apart.

  40. Just beautifully written piece, Stephanie, so much feeling, so much from the heart and so honest. Sometimes I read mushy stuff from blogs and I think: Oh yeh, sure thing!!
    I love this picture of a gorgeous and strong, young couple.

  41. Beautiful photo & beautiful honest post. Of course, you can do this, you are Wonder Woman. Praying for you all & Jimmy’s safety.

  42. Beautiful. I am feeling some of the same things – my husband works and lives in a different city during the week, and is only home on weekends. Saying goodbye is terribly hard!

  44. I love this post. Yes, I love all the scrapbooking posts but I can find those in lots of other places…i love your blog because of your beautiful raw emotion and pure honesty- i love seeing your family for everything it gives you and for what you put into it. It gives me something to hope for when the times comes for me to start a family, and its one of my favourite parts of my day reading it 🙂

  45. i am sad for you and jimmy and your precious family right now. just plain sad. my heart squeezes and aches when i look at that lovely photo. thinking of you both with the warmest regards…

  47. You are the epitome of strength and vulnerability. It is what makes you a truly special individual and is why you were chosen for Jay and why he was chosen for you. May you both continue to be blessed. You have many of us out here praying for you 🙂

  48. ugh…was thinking “J” and wrote how it sounds (“Jay”)…sorry for the mistake ~ yeesh!

  49. This is so beautiful to read!
    Thinking about how you are a tough and wonderful girl! Big hugs to you 🙂

  50. Aww. LOVE that photo. LOVE your love story. Hope you can feel all the LOVE and SUPPORT coming your way. Hugs and continued blessings to all of you. xoxo

  52. what a beautiful testimony of the love you two share. such heartfelt words steph…thanks for sharing them. thinking of you two as you prepare for this next deployment. you’re in our prayers.

  55. I love your real life posts – love is hard, beautiful, challenging, and so worth it – that’s life with my man and I wouldn’t change it – I thank God for it and him. Thanks for sharing with us.

  56. God bless you and your beautiful family Stephanie! I don’t know how the 6 of you can handle with that again and again. you are all heroes. xoxo

  57. Your beautiful, strong and brave….. Thank you for all your family does for us. (all of you!)
    prayers :0)

  58. Absolutely beautiful words. You are such an amazing writer, it makes me horribly jealous! Honestly, whenever I read your deeply compassionate posts about Jimmy, it makes me nicer to my own husband. I think “aw…look how much Steph loves him. I really should be sweeter. ” So, keep the good words comin’. 🙂

  60. What a beautiful way you have with words! I will pray for your family – together and while J is gone on this deployment. You are a strong and very loved woman and you CAN do this! I hope you have that photo of you and J as your desktop background – you look lovely!