as i watched cate sleeping last night i thought a lot about the question i get often.
“are you done?” i prefer this over “are you going to try one more time for a boy?”
b/c i think that’s just silly.
and you may think *i* am silly. or crazy. for even thinking about this right now. for even thinking about this during these days of sleep deprivation. these days of diaper after diaper, relentless wails and relentless, exhausting feedings.
how can i even think about that?
because i love them so much.
i love all of them so much. in different ways.
my heart has the capacity for so much love. my arms have so many hugs to give. my lips have so many kisses (and admonitions!) to give. my eyes have so many tears left to shed, so many looks to give jimmy over small heads. my feet have so many measured, dancing paces to make while i hold a sleeping baby.
the thought of doing something permanent so that there will be no more terrifies me. but some days i *know* i want it.
you should have seen me, 8 months pregnant with the twins, in the OB waiting room. there was a flyer for “permanent sterilization” seminars. and i stared that sucker down. thinking “oh yes. oh just you wait seminar. i will be seeing you soon”.
but yet…when my doctor asked me that question at my postpartum appointment last week, when he asked me if i’d like to schedule an operation, i froze. i had no answer for him…except for that i wasn’t ready.
but i just don’t know.
i NEVER neverevereverever would have thought i’d have four children.
before i had children, i was resolute. there would be two. only two.
i admire my friends who can say that after one. or two. “oh yes, this is it. we are DONE. no more babies for us”.
will i ever feel that way?
just as you aren’t ever ready to have a baby, are you ever ready to not have any more?
jimmy is such a wonderful father. i try to be a good mother.
these children are my life.my heart. my despair. my happiness.
i should probably stop.
who am i anyway, angelina jolie? i don’t have the same bank roll she does. if i did, this might not even be an issue.
i’m already 33 1/2. i want to be able to enjoy our retirement together, have some time for each other again.
i don’t know if i should stop. do i even have a choice? sadie came to us when we were not ready. not trying.
God knows my future. maybe i’m overthinking this.
i’m crazy! i should be DONE. i should be one of those women right now. the ones who can calmly say oh NO! when they are asked if they will have any more children.
i should be, and yet i’m not.
jimmy is not certain either. in fact, he is more an advocate of big families than i am. if you met cadet howell ten years ago, when i did…this would SHOCK you. jimmy howell wanting five children? HELL NO. i wouldn’t have believed it for a second.
but i also wouldn’t have believed that he’d be wearing a tiara, playing dress up or acting out tea party.
and now he’s the one who shrugs a gentle shrug, with a coy smile on his face when they ask.
and me? it varies. some days i may look at you with spit up in my hair, shirt on inside out, glasses crooked, dried tears of frustration on my cheeks and shriek NOOOOOOOOOOOOO like a banshee.
some days, i may say maybe.
and with this post, i’m off to check myself into the insane asylum.
b/c i’ve clearly lost my everloving mind.
xo
s