Shirt purchased from Ali Edwards
So listen y’all there’s been a struggle going on in my heart and my life lately. And I haven’t talked about it here…well because I haven’t talked about much of anything here and also because I haven’t talked to ANYONE about it.
But I’ve been going over and over it in my head.
GRACE VS. ACCOUNTABILITY.
Specifically using the former as an excuse for the latter.
I’ve been walking a thin line between being gentle with myself and giving myself grace and not holding myself accountable or taking care of myself. I’ve used the give yourself grace, girl! line to give myself an excuse. Lots of excuses actually. Every excuse in the book on repeat. And others (meaning well) gave me the power to believe these excuses because every time I spoke about wanting to feel and look better someone told me “Girl, you’ve had five kids!” “You’ve had TWINS!” “Love yourself just the way you are!” or “Be gentle with yourself!”.
The truth is-
When you are taking care of everyone but yourself…
Eating whatever you want, whenever you want…without regard to healthiness or if it’s 10:00 at night…when your girls bake cookies and you eat six or when you make mac and cheese for your girls and then stand at the stove and eat what’s left in the pot (and it’s a LOT)…well then there’s a problem.
I couldn’t reach my toes. My hair was starting to fall out again. Yes. I’ve had lab work done. It’s not my thyroid or my levels of whatever. It’s my life choices, y’all.
My skin was getting bad again, I couldn’t take my wedding ring off of my finger, and I was waking up more tired than when I went to sleep. My back and hip and knee was hurting and I was having stomach issues and ocular migraines. I was having to take a nap literally every single day. And I was NOT being a very nice mama.
I thought I was good b/c I was going to the YMCA and taking group classes 2-3 times a week. Truth? Not enough. Not when I was undoing all of that work by eating whatever I chose (and I mean literally NO thought to what I was eating and how much of it I was eating) and drinking wine every night…yeah. Not much progress happening there.
Listen up friends. It’s not about a number on a scale. I will never be the same as I was at 25. I’ve had five children. I’ve changed. Yes, I know that thin isn’t the goal. And that muscles don’t equal a lower number on the goal. I’ve got all that.
I promise. I’ve got it. I have a very healthy relationship with food and a positive self image for the most part.
But that number? It does matter. A little bit. It matters because it is showing me right now that I gave up on myself about 11 years ago. And that’s not who I am. That’s not who I want to show my girls. I don’t want to tell them to pour themselves so much into someone else that they forget about themselves.
Here’s a hard truth. When I can’t keep up with my girls or bend over to tie my shoes or paint my toenails without my midsection getting in the way…when I feel like crap all the time..there’s a problem.
When I’m hiding (in photos, behind flowy clothing, literally in the back of the room)…there’s a problem.
But, you see, I have five little girls watching me. I refuse to count and restrict and obsess and scrutinize. Food is not the enemy. It’s not a reward or a punishment. It’s fuel. I forgot that. I lost that. I stopped caring about that.
It has affected me. My happiness, my mood, my soul. And it has affected my marriage, because the way you feel about your body has the power to do that. Those are hard words to type but they are true.
2 weeks ago I decided something had to change.
No more
- But I’ve had five kids!
- But I need to give myself grace
- But I need to be gentle with myself.
Yep. Those things had turned into deflections, excuses, pretty words. Nothing more. They were getting in the way of me taking care of ME. I had a choice. At 40 years old I could either continue to internally obsess, debate, excuse myself, and feel miserable OR change it. If I just continued to do nothing I figured I’d eventually just give up and decide that this was just the way I was going to feel the rest of my life. Slow and tired and unhappy and hurting.
Progress > Perfection
What am I doing? I downloaded Kayla Itsines’ BBG plan. It’s basically just circuit training/reminds me of my CrossFit days minus the competition. I follow it religiously. I also still take Body Pump and Spin at the gym.
As a FAMILY we have started making better food choices. Jimmy is making this change with me too and I’m so grateful for his support.
Whole, clean, paleo, whatever you call it… I mean honestly I am just PAYING ATTENTION to what I’m eating. For the first time in my life. And the change in the way I FEEL? Well it was literally almost instantaneous. I don’t think I ever ate breakfast. Or noticed that I was snacking on crap almost all day. It feels so good to just pay attention to ME.
Someone please tell me why it took me 40 years to learn this?
So why am I putting this out there? I guess it’s a way to hold myself accountable. And also connect with those of you who are struggling with the same thing.
Grace is being dang proud that I can only do ten pushups on my knees vs. not being able to do one a year ago. Grace is NOT allowing myself to wilt and become a shadow of myself meanwhile accepting that that’s just who I am now.
Grace is having cheat days and eating the damn cookie when my girls come to me with cookies they made. It’s NOT allowing myself to eat whatever crap I want because I’m a mom of five.
Have any of you ever realized you were using something as an excuse? How long did it take you to realize it and what did you do to change it? Please tell me I’m not the only late bloomer out there.
If you are reading this and you are in the same boat as I am…I want to tell you something. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. But it is IMPORTANT to be your best self and feel like your best self. If you want to change, I am 100 percent behind you and I won’t feed you excuses or make you feel bad if you say you want to be different. I won’t tell you to be kind to yourself or go easy or make you feel like you aren’t accepting yourself. Well unless you are talking ugly to yourself. You’ve gotta love yourself even when you are feeling yucky.
I have your back. Fully.
Whew! That was a brain dump.
Love to you all!
xoxo
Am definitely in the same boat.
I’m 43 and using the excuse that my body was going through changes, anc metabolism would be slowing …. uuuummmm nope!
Wow! Awesome Steph! My excuse is that my boyfriend literally puts the food in my mouth, but that’s all changing for me too! I’m working on high protein, low to no carbs, and not just sitting around snacking! I have a FREE gym at my development, there is no excuse (of being tired, having a stressful work day, etc.)!
Please keep telling us what’s going on in your world…we are going through the same thing! We should all work together!
Please share recipes and what is working for you… you described my sluggish, overweight, unmotivated life!
I love you. Thank you for sharing something that so many of us think about a struggle with all the time.
This is awesome! Unfortunately, I stress ate my way through my 40s and it is a lot harder to manage in my mid 50s! Working from home doesn’t help either. You’ve inspired me to start making some better choices. Thanks, friend!
I find it so hard with a spouse who travels and young children and jobs and a home to keep running to make time for myself. It is the MAKING time, not the exercise itself or the food itself, because on a good day, I don’t mind working out and I enjoy cooking. But, when you’re pulled in too many directions, there just isn’t much energy left over for making healthy choices. I got into some ruts while having preemies. Those years were devoted to them, and that sacrifice was fine for a time. But, with my kids getting bigger, I didn’t want my constant sacrifice to be a model for them. So, almost two years ago, I bought myself a pack of Piyo DVDs for my birthday. I started making time almost every day. There was no end goal except to feel better. And I do. I feel so much better, and my kids are watching me. But, it is a choice I have to make every day, that my health isn’t something to be overlooked. I’m proud of you, but I definitely think you will find that you are not alone.
“It has affected me. My happiness, my mood, my soul. And it has affected my marriage, because the way you feel about your body has the power to do that. Those are hard words to type but they are true.”
THIS IS ME, THIS IS US!! Thank you for sharing this. It’s so hard but doesn’t have to be.
Our children are older (18 & 21) so we have some flexibility with our schedules. We started bootcamp 3x a week a couple of years ago and what a game changer. We felt so much better, we had a happier marriage, we were so good! Then last November we sold our home (basically over night), bought a new one and have used it as an excuse to not do bootcamp anymore. So sad. We can afford it, we have the time but we have chosen to say “we love our new home and hate to leave”–so dumb!
It’s been SIX months since I have done anything for myself. Every day I make some crazy excuse. No more! I love Kayla’s instagram, been following her for a while. I think I’ll start her videos, too.
Good luck with your journey… it’s a life long commitment. 🙂
Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this. I’ve been struggling lately. I’m literally the heaviest I’ve ever been. So tired and foggy headed all the time, not sleeping well, the whole shebang. And like you said, I know I’m not 25 anymore and I know I’ll never get down to 118 anymore (not sure I’d even want to!) but that number does play a part in every day things. Like trying to fit into my jeans.
I just started working at a chiropractors office and everyone there is SUPER healthy so I’m happy I’ll have a great support team around me to knock brownies out of my hand 🙂 It’s hard when your SO works 12 hour shifts with an hour commute each way and you’re not eating dinner until sometimes 9pm. Add stress into that (with raised cortisol levels)… You know the deal.
Anywho, I’m taking back my health one day and one healthy choice at a time.
You are definitely not alone.
I am so proud of you for publishing this. For years when I discuss being my best self I get shamed for not being satisfied or not accepting who I am. So for a while I shut up and stopped sharing. I’m feeling over that completely!! Instead I vote we support and cheer when fellow women stand up and say I love myself and want to do good by me. For me. And be my best me. I say we throw parties when we achieve goals and we keep on reaching just a bit farther to rock on.
Nothing to do with perfection- but excellence in life sure does sound good. I like when I can say today I did my best. A LOT. Notice I didn’t say perfect or the best. Just my own best. Whatever that may be on this particular day.
Heck. Yes. Go girl.
Go, Stephanie! Proud of you and sending hugs. You can do this!
I’m a decade older than you and needing to get on the train with you. I read this blog by a woman who is a doctor at Grady Hospital in Atlanta and she once wrote that, “You lose weight in the kitchen and get fit in the gym.” Sad, but true. I have a sedentary desk job and have sedentary hobbies and just don’t move much. But no one else is going to exercise my body for me. I eat a lot of less healthy food for the convenience. If I don’t do something different, I won’t ever get healthier. Easy to type, harder to do.
This really spoke to me… I am also struggling with weight and fitness and how I feel about myself. Having had breast cancer four years ago I feel as if I should just be happy that I’m a survivor. But I am not happy as I am and I need to change. I am with you all the way
Ah, I just love you, woman! I so relate to what you are feeling! I’m a few years older than you, and strugggggled the past 15 years, to find myself more than 100 pounds overweight. And trying to keep up with my 11 year old girl. Impossible. In February I told myself the same things you did. Stopped with the bs excuses and forced myself to really look in that mirror. Joined Weight Watchers, then started learning on my own about intermittent fasting and getting off sugars. I’m down 110 now. And life is AMAZING. I look and I feel spectacular. I’ve got about 30ish more to go. So happy for you! Let’s do this! *high five*
and I add one more comment, everyone quit saying you can’t go back to your pre-baby weight, wedding dress size, whatever.
Why sell yourself short? You CAN do it..keep your head in the game and never give up!
Ladies, you can do it! I believe in you, believe in yourself <3
Good for you girl! Here I am at nearly 70 and overweight, a lot! I’m the fluffy grandma and don’t like many of those impairments you mentioned. I just need to get up and move more! You are inspirational. Thanks for reminding to just take the first step!!
I love this so hard. I have the same issues- having too much grace in some areas and too little in others. Accountability to myself has been slipping. Discipline is not great. I need to get clear about my goals and how my choices directly impact them!!! Thank you!
I love this and thank you for sharing.
Oh my how I’m walking right on this path also. I gave myself grace for thanksgiving and everyday since. I’ve gained all 5 lbs that I lost the week before at the beginning of my journey to health, again.
Thank you for sharing and being so real! I’m back on my healthy eating lifestyle again too. No excuses. Just healthier choices that get me to my goals.
I have lost 25 pounds since May, 25 to go. It is harder than it was the times before, but worth it. It becomes easier to make good choices, and I do allow myself a cheat cookie or glass of wine, but I make sure I REALLY want it. I have increased my walking from 30-45 minutes per day and even tho the weight loss is slow, the inches are making a difference visible. Grace is good, excuses and justification are not. Praying for you, sweet lady. We can do this!
Wow. It’s like you were in my head and wrote out my thoughts. Thank you for your honesty, candidness and bravery for sharing . It can’t be easy being so transparent to a faceless mass…but you are appreciated.
Just over two years ago I was where you are. I was the heaviest I had ever been (other than pregnancy), it was summer and only two pair of shorts fit me, I was tired all the time, and I just didn’t feel good about myself. That was my “rock bottom”. I signed up with Beach Body and did their program 21 Day Fix. It taught me what good foods to eat and in the right portions. My body and mind really changed once I began working out every day and eating healthy. I had energy, felt good, my hair & nails grew like crazy, my skin looked great, and I had my self confidence back. It was amazing to see results of the food I was eating. Working out is good for you, but I think the food you put in your body is most of it. As they say, “garbage in, garbage out.” Good luck on your journey!
A high five and a hug to you! Thank you for sharing – I love your authenticity and your transparency –
one of the reasons I love reading what you write. Sounds like you’re off to a fantastic start with a great and reasonable attitude and the support of family.
Thank you! I’m almost 42 & I’ve been struggling with this off & on for a few years. I’m a mother of three busy boys-14,11, & 4. My husband is a high school basketball coach & we literally never slow down. When we do get a night at home or a Saturday that we aren’t busy I collapse & do very little. My time is spent taking care of other people & I feel selfish when I take time for myself. This Momming thing isn’t easy! I’ve neglected myself for way too long. I’m trying, but I fall off the wagon way too easily, as soon as it gets hard, or I get hungry, or I don’t have time. This week I’m trying to watch my sugar intake & commiting moses of my calories to protein, veggies, & fruit. . I love sweets. Next week I’m going to add exercise back to the equation. It’s hard & we as Mom’s often put ourselves last. We have to do better. I want to feel good & to be around to play with my children’s children.
Yup. This was me in February. I had tried and failed at so many eating/exercise plans, but never found anything that really worked for me. I joined Orangetheory in March of this year and I give them ALL OF MY MONEY, but in exchange I feel like a completely different person.
Thanks for posting this – I am right there with you at 55! I’ve been at this for over 30 years. Hugs to you and now you’ve motivated me to get off my butt and do something for ME!!!!
Go Steph!!! You can do this. I believe meal planning is key and highly recommend skinnytaste.com for excellent kid-friendly healthy recipes.
YESSS! I’m so proud of you and have so much confidence that you’re going to make the progress you’re aiming for! As you know because I have shared it, I have been struggling lately with getting myself back into consistently focusing on fitness and healthy eating lately. Ever since the beginning of Summer when my Summer semester began and I then went back to working while in school. I had made more progress than I’d ever noticed before and then things just screeched to a halt. I miss seeing that progress and most of all feeling more healthy and confident than I ever had! I’m finally prioritizing myself again, and will not let anyone or anything (even Nursing school!) get in the way of that! We can do this!
Love you Stephanie Howell!
-Cary
P.S. I did let the nurses Wednesday night influence me negatively by getting in on their pizza party at the nurses station. AND one of the nurses told me “you don’t need to go to the gym”. THEY DON’T GET IT. *facepalm*
Yup. 100% I’v also been using that excuse about learning Italian even though I’ve lived here for 4 years now. I had to give myself grace when I was new here and had two newborns, but the truth is I could make time now if I really wanted to. It’s all about remembering to set goals for yourself. We’re good at that in our 20s – goals/plans/dreams of college/marriage/children/career/home ownership. But what happens when you check the box on most of those big goals/dreams? Complacency will bite us if we’re not looking. Thanks for that reminder.
Congrats! It took me 53 yrs to figure out you really are what you eat. I ignored that thinking i work out every day (and enjoyed it) i can eat whatever I want. Not true. I had many minor health issues i thought were normal aging process. Now that i eat mainly keto, paleo, whole real food, health issues gone. I dont stick to strict regimen, but do avoid gluten and added sugars. I cant tell you how happy and energetic i am. Biggest thrill was to get off depression meds. I wasn’t depressed, i was in a 24/7 food coma. The tiredness, brain fog, crabbiness, skin problems, weight gain and even aniexiety all from the food i was eating. GONE!!! i recently lost 30 lbs without starving and feel great. Never was able to lose weight before. Hope your journey is as positive and rewarding as mine has been. Cheers to you , it’s so hard being a good wife, mama and homemaker, but still take care of yourself. I dont think i could have done it when my kids were still at home. Awareness is key! Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for sharing. I turned 40 this year and it’s just harder now. I’m committing to go to crossfit every weekday in December and cooking meals from home (paleo), and not eating out.
I 100% have your back!!!
I’m literally on the same path right now with regards to my health Stephanie – you aren’t alone at all! I’m so glad you posted this, it really reflects what I’ve been feeling/functioning of late. In the last two weeks I’ve cut the excuses and stepped it up and stopped “phoning it in” with regard to my exercise. And I’m feeling good (even if the scale won’t.bloody.move!). Anyways, keep it up, and know there ars others on the journey too! Cheers. Lee in Australia. (@thisfarmrunner on instagram)