9 years and nearly five kids into this motherhood gig…I can say I’ve learned a thing or two. I am NOT even close to being an expert. I still have NO idea what I’m doing. To be honest I’m making it up day to day, moment to moment.
Today I want to tell you what motherhood has taught me. These things might not work for you. But these are the truths that I’ve accepted. And some of them have been a bitter pill to swallow. Here we go. 🙂
1. If someone asks you “Is this chocolate?” don’t smell what they are showing you. Because it is never chocolate.
2. Don’t pray for patience. God will give you patience but will then test the heck out of you. Pray for grace or kindness. Or just pray that you won’t lose your ever-loving mind.
3. Try not to be a sanctimommy. Don’t judge baby leashes or moms who are letting their kids eat straight out of a box of (non organic!) cereal in the grocery store. One day it will be you and you will wish you could go back and punch your judgmental self in the smug face.
4. Sometimes you just have to say yes to staying in PJs all day, watching nonstop movies, and eating cereal for dinner. Ain’t no shame in the survival mode game.
5. Anything you say will be repeated back to you later. Don’t be surprised if you hear one of your kids say something, think “Where did she hear THAT and why is she being so snarky?” and then realize – oh….
I
said
that.
6. Nothing is ever going to go the way you planned it or imagined it. Just let it happen.
7. You are going to screw up. You are going to scream, lose your patience, lose your sh&*. You are going to cry and that is okay. Learn how to say “I’m sorry.” This is the best lesson you can teach your children. Tell them you are not perfect, that you messed up, that you weren’t kind, and ask for their forgiveness. Let me repeat, you are NOT perfect. They will understand and they will remember this later they they lose their sh&*.
8. Bribery is okay. Really. If you have to give your kid a tootsie roll pop to get through the grocery store in peace it is OKAY. Do whatever works for YOU.
9. Don’t ever judge another woman on her birth story, whether she works or stays at home, whether she breast feeds or bottle feeds. All of us are doing what is best for us and our family and other people have no right to judge or remark on that. Be supportive of other women and other mothers. If you see someone who is struggling, offer to help. Tell her she is doing a GOOD JOB. Just be kind.
10. Be gentle with yourself. Don’t beat yourself up. You are doing the best you can and tomorrow is a new day. Treat yourself with the respect and kindness that you expect and demand from others.
11. Choose your battles. Decide what is worth standing your ground about. Letting your littles wear a princess dress out of the house or allowing them to wear their shoes on the wrong feet for a little bit is not a battle. It’s just not.
12. Always say yes when someone wants to snuggle, hug, or cuddle. But you don’t have to say yes when someone wants to get in your bed. It’s okay to want to sleep and it’s okay to want to have your bed to yourself.
13. You don’t have to do it all. A school bought lunch is not going to permanently scar your child. Store bought Valentines won’t either. But if you want to do it all…then do it! Do whatever brings you the most joy and the least amount of stress.
14. Let your kids see you be silly.
15. Let your kids see you fail.
16. Let your kids see you pray.
17. Let your kids see you argue + make up.
18. Let your kids see you read.
19. Let your kids see you love their daddy. Hold his hand, kiss him, love on him. When they say EWWWWW tell them they will appreciate it one day.
20. Let your kids get dirty. Clothes can be washed and showers can be taken.
21. If you overschedule your kids they will be stressed and you will be stressed. Decide how many activities work best for you and your children and stick with this number.
22. Some days you will want to be anywhere but where you are. You will want to pee in peace, shower in peace, and you will want to be able to sleep uninterrupted. You will want silence instead of mommymommymommymommymommy You will need a break. When this happens it is okay to do something for YOU. This does not make you any less of a mother. This does not mean you don’t appreciate or treasure your children and their fleeting little-ness. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. Take care of you so you can take care of them.
23. Ask for help if you need it. Admit you are struggling if you are struggling. Reach out if you are drowning.
24. Take your children on adventures. These adventures can be to the park, to the library, to France, or to Italy. You can take them to Target, to the movies, or to the pool. Get out of the house and GO. You can do it. I promise. It will be good for all of you.
25. Get a planner. USE it. This will change your life.
26. Let your children go. Let them climb on their own and let them fall. Pick them up and kiss them when they fall and teach them to shake it off. Don’t hover, don’t overdo it. Let them fail and recover gracefully. This is one of the greatest gifts you can give them. Falling will teach them to fly.
27. Whatever you are going through is not the end of the world. Babies stop crying, children potty train. They WILL eventually sleep, lose the binkie, stop crying every time you turn on the vacuum. This is not the hardest thing you will go through. Every season changes and every day is a new one.
28. Prepare to feel love like you’ve never felt it. The kind of love that physically hurts. The kind of love that will terrify you and empower you and knock you right over. The kind of love that will simultaneously turn you into a raging mama bear and a melting puddle of goo.
Stephanie, what a wonderful post. You totally rock at the mom stuff, your children are blessed indeed to have you. CJ xx
Stephanie, thank you for this post so strong and true. You say what I think and when we see the faces of your children, we say that whatever mistakes and choices you make, the main thing is that children have the opportunity to raise, grow to move away and come back if they want. Fun, joy, tears and the taste of happiness. I love so much your way of mind, your sense of humor. Thanks so much.
Love it. Spoken so truthfully. I needed to be reminded of this.
Beautiful words! All so true!
Beautiful post! I especially love #2…..my kids are teens and I’m still figuring it out!! 🙂
So nice! The one thing I will add to the “Let your kids see you” series is “Let your kids see you love their father” (in whatever way that means to you, through touch or kisses, date nights, etc). A healthy marriage/relationship is SO important for children to see, and sets a good example of how their relationships later in life should be. Great post, I agree with everything!
Love this post! I highly recommend the book Losing Control and loving it for anyone with tweens/teens. My oldest was testing all the boundaries and my SIL recommended it to me. It really helped me on so many levels. Your girls are still little, but trust me the day will come when they will test you like you’ve never been tested before! And by the way, I’m reading A Man Called Ove and LOVE it!!!!
I love every bit of this & this is how I parent or try to parent. I wish you would include more of these sort of parenting moments on Instagram or blog. I remember reading about your parenting adventures, thoughts, experiences at the grocery store and those were the favorite parts of your blog because I was going through the same thing. I know you’ve added some kids since then so you may not have the time you once did but I just have to tell you that 🙂 I follow other moms with the same type of philosophies (thegraygang is one that comes to mind) and their experiences and views give me courage to get through those rough days of parenting! Knowing others are going through the same things gives me a healthier perspective on my own for some reason. It’s difficult sometimes in real life to find my mom friends who share those thoughts. Thank you for this post!
I’m a mom of one with one more on the way (due around the same time as you!), and I loved this post! I’ve been reading about your adventures in motherhood for awhile, long before I had my first, and I find you to be such an inspiring mom! Thanks for sharing your heart here!!
This is a great reminder, not just for people with children but even for people without. Some people are so quick to judge. These are also great lessons for life in general, you could replace some of the words with spouse or significant other. thanks for sharing.
amen! adding it now! i had that in my notes and missed it. thank you!
Wise, important words to keep in mind. As a mother of two teenage boys (one about to go to college in 3 weeks), I can also assure y’all that you will survive 9 straight weeks of colic, broken bones, “you’re not the boss of me” temper tantrums, fighting for special ed services, dented car bumpers, and girlfriend dramas, too. It’s all worth it. <3
My boys are 30, 28 and 24, and we just got back from a trip with them and their wife/fiance/girlfriend overseas.
Those early years living in Europe taught them the love of God, family, travel, adventure, laughter, togetherness, how to make do, support each other, give-and-take, learn, appreciate and thankfulness.
You are right when you say to get out and do something together (it doesn’t have to be overseas!). You will grow both as a family and an individual.
I used to second-guess some of my parenting over the years, but when I see how great my boys are as adults, I realize that all of it (the good moments and the bad), have molded them into really amazing men!
I love this post!
I’ve been reading your blog for years now and I’ve always been struck by how elegantly and perceptively you understand the hearts of your girls, and how you write about them in a way that so eloquently expresses your understanding and love. My relationship with my mother has always been good and full of love, but has never been particularly close or open – always somewhat guarded. My daughter – my first – is 2 months old. Please know what an inspiration you are to me starting out on this mothering journey and trying to determine how to be the kind of mother I hope to be – freely loving, inviting the hard conversations, and fully knowing and always appreciating my daughter’s heart.
I adore this!
Number 11: True all the way into their adulthood and the hardest thing to do when they are teens. BUT I never ever hesitated to tell them what I was thinking even if they got to chose their way or my way. Because I want to tell people that I never had any regrets. I never wanted to say, “I should have said something, I should have warned them, I should have taught them….”.
Despite the fact that saying no is really hard to do (esp. to a teenager) I was ok with being the worst mom on the planet (in their eyes) as long as I kept them safe, taught them responsibility, and prepared them for their future life as an adult. Basically, never apologize for being a mother. I suspect your obvious love for your children will make up for any imperfections. Keep up the good work Mom!
(I should also add, that more than once my boys were glad I said no because they needed a good excuse to tell their friends. Interesting that they wanted me to be the fallguy).
Love your thoughts – so true. The pictures are beautiful!
amazing post Steph!
I’ve never even met you, but i just love you! That is all. 😉
Love this and love you! Missing you lots these days.
This is wonderful and every one of them is true! I have a co-worker that is having her first baby in about a month. I’m going to have her go read this.
One of my favorite posts from you, EVER.
LOVE this!! You have said so eloquently what I believe, thank you for posting it.
I have been enjoying following your journey for a while now. This is such a beautifully written post. Despite years of hope and prayers, I unfortunately have not been blessed with children, but somehow your post has still touched me deeply. Thank you.
It is NEVER chocolate…ROFL….loved that one!! Such a great post Steph!
I’d say you have a lot more figured out then you give yourself credit for! I appreciate your parenting posts. They help this no kiddo gal know what to say to help my friends. It’s funny how you really don’t have a clue when you don’t have babies of your own. Oh, btw, you’re doing a GREAT job with your littles, that’s why God is blessing you a fifth time.
Love reading your blog. Keep hating your thoughts. They make me smile
Stephanie, thank you so much for this post. I have read it over twice and I will be reading it over again. I needed this reminder, even though my kids are much older than yours (13 and 15). One of the bullet points I cringed at because it is something I have such a hard time doing. But I will definitely be working on changing that because it is a big one.
I love reading your blog because it puts a smile on my face. Looking forward to seeing the new baby and twists, turns and happiness that life will bring you.
So true. Today we are doing a number 4 😉
My favorite post ever. Love this and now want to give you a giant hug. xx.
You are amazing and your gals are so very lucky!!! Big Hugs.
RE: #8:
Its not bribery- it’s positive reinforcement.
It is if you do it after the fact – to reward the good behavior. 🙂 I’m doing it before any good behavior occurs. Hence the reason I jokingly called it bribery, haha.
Sent from my iPhone
LOVE your comments on Motherhood! Laughed, cried a few tears and totally got each one!
Have to tell you I have followed you for years and gotta tell you….YOU ROCK!!!
Thank you so much for this post! It is exactly what every mom needs to hear sometimes. You may not be perfect, but you are an amazing, creative and loving woman!
Hi again from New Zealand. Just been catching up with your wise words and wanted to say well done. This is inspiring to read and ever so real. Enjoy the last months of this pregnancy and take care of yourself.
A little message for Candy…she can’t be the worst Mother on the planet because that is me!!! I always told my, now adult children, that I was the worst Mother in the world, but would always love them. No matter what they did, how they challenged me I would and will always love them. Seems to have worked as they are all fine adults, raising beautiful children and doing that well too.
Blessings to you all
Thank you! Just Thank you for this post…. that is what I needed to read at this exact time of my life! Thank you so much!